karoga shark [Music] media from Springfield where cats come with a side of fries and your choice of sauce this is valid whoa Patrick too soon let's hit [Applause] this maybe Trump isn't totally crazy for one he hasn't been texting me incessantly like my crazy ex-girlfriend Norma but it turns out maybe perhaps possibly people are eating cats in Ohio seems like the local police had to deal with a real life Catwoman minus the leather suit and plus a whole lot of crazy which reminds me you know who has a lot of cats rhymes with zoraa are you shocked of course not a 27-year-old woman decided to take playing with your food to a whole new level when she allegedly killed and started munching on a neighborhood cat talk about a ferocious appetite the 9911 calls suggested our fine feasting friend might have been dealing with some shall we say extracurricular substances or mental health issues I mean who Among Us hasn't craved a little Meow Mix when we're not feeling our best in the end the woman got slapped with charges including animal cruelty and disorderly conduct looks like her catatonic State landed her in some serious trouble let's hope she finds a new hobby that doesn't involve the neighborhood pets maybe try knitting I hear it's perfect for stress relief let's check in with Springfield's chief of police Clancy wigam who shared this statement via Hank aar's Twitter Springfield police chief clany wigam speaking how can I help you people are eating dogs you mean like hot dogs oh cats Mr cats is eating hot dogs n people are eating dogs and cats people are eating dogs and cats in Springfield are they good I don't know Hank that bit was funnier when Bob newart did it back in ' 64 looks like we've got ourselves a real pearl of a conspiracy theory Brewing vice president kamla Harris is apparently channeling her inner James Bond with some high-tech bling who knew pearl earrings could cause such a stir I haven't seen This much fuss over jewelry since Mr T decided to become a minimalist now a German tech company icebox Sound Solutions has decided to join the party they're saying Harris's earrings look suspiciously like their Bluetooth devices that's weird but here's the kicker they've offered make a pair for Donald Trump too they're just struggling with the color apparently Orange Is the New hack maybe they should consult with Trump's spray tan artists for some color matching tips Trump said they had a rigged show with somebody that maybe even had the answers I mean I'll be honest I watched her talk and I said you know she seems awfully familiar with the questions in the end it turns out Harris's earrings are probably just regular boring old Tiffany pearls but hey why let f s get in the way of a good conspiracy theory right at least it's given us all something to talk about besides the actual debate Dana White decided to throw his hat into the political ring or should I say political octagon the UFC president was too busy with his Contender series to even watch the Trump Harris debate however white showing off his psychic abilities predicted the debate would be a three-on-one matchup against his buddy Trump white was completely oblivious to Trump's claims about Haitians eating dogs and cats in Ohio when a journalist brought it up Dana's response was about as coherent as a fighter after a knockout in the end white refused to disclose any advice he gave Trump before the debate probably something along the lines of hit him with a chair when the ref isn't looking Trump is at it again playing his Greatest Hits Locker up the sequel this time he's broadened his target audience from just Hillary Clinton to well pretty much anyone who ever disagreed with him it's like he's trying to turn the justice department into his personal Oprah show you get an indictment and you get an indictment everybody gets an indictment Trump's latest performance on Truth social which let's be honest is basically Twitter with training wheels included threats to prosecute anyone involved in what he calls cheating and skull duggery in the 2020 election because apparently losing an election fair and square is now considered scal dugery who knew Trump Trump's also been sharing posts showing his political rivals in jumpsuits I guess in Trump's America orange really is the New Black it's like he's designing a new line of prison fashion move over Project Runway Trump's campaign says he just wants to prosecute anyone who breaks the law you know like those pesky election officials who had the audacity to count all the votes the nerve but here's the kicker Trump seems to think this is all fair play because of his own legal troubles it's like he's playing the world's pettiest game of tag you're indicted so buckle up America if Trump gets his way we might need to build a few more prisons or maybe we could just convert Mara Lago into one big jail after all Trump does love his goldplated everything orange jumpsuit with gold trim anyone and Don when you win just remember I said nice things about you every day any listener to this show knows I had your back all the way you have great hair and big hands remember your friend's Donald and friend number one is M Davies Trump the handsome trillionaire and the man who once claimed he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose voters has announced there will be no more debates and Don when you win remember it wasn't me saying you were a coward who got your clock cleaned I saw the 86 to3 polls and we both know you won that debate Trump's declaration that there will be no more debates with Harris is about as surprising as finding out that water is wet I guess when your debate performance is rougher than a cat in a washing machine running away seems like a solid strategy it's the police political equivalent of taking your ball and going home if your ball was made of fragile ego and spray tan now while parts of this program are made with the help of AI the AI hasn't lost its mind with this one this one is somehow real President Biden remember him don't worry he doesn't either Biden decided to try on a new look and it's redder than his usual blue that's right our commander-in-chief was spotted sporting a Maga hat and for a moment it seemed like hell had frozen over and pigs were flying this fashion FAA or stroke of bipartisan genius depending on how you look at it happened in Shanksville Pennsylvania Biden was chatting with firefighters when he engaged in the political equivalent of a jersey swap but before you start thinking Biden's pulled a political 180 faster than a spin class instructor the White House assures us it was all in the name of unity because apparently nothing says let's all get along like borrowing your arch rival signature accessory next thing you know I'll be wearing friend of the Pod merch I feel like there should be one more story here hey producers did you write one more story no can I leave okay good bye