-Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself. Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show"! You're here. You made it.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for watching. Well, guys,
tomorrow, in Philadelphia is the big presidential debate
between Vice President Harris and former president Trump. Which, of course, means tonight
is presidential debate eve. [ Laughter ] So if you don't mind, I'd like to tell you
a classic bedtime story. [ Cheers and applause ] "'Twas the night
before the debate, and all throughout Philly, Kamala said she was preparing, and, Trump, well, not really." [ Laughter ] "The Democrats were hopeful
for how they would fare as long as Kamala didn't do
the Joe Biden stare." [ Laughter ] "Republicans were eager
to take on the veep and told Trump to make sure
his ankle monitor didn't beep." [ Laughter ] "Kamala considered all the
things she could say, like, 'At least at my rallies,
I can play Beyoncé.'" [ Laughter ] "When Trump plays a song,
he asks, 'Why do they sue me?' He just got a cease-and-desist
from Shaboozey." [ Laughter ] "On Dasher, on Dancer,
on undecided voter. Just remember, in two months,
all of this will be over." [ Cheers and applause ] That's right. Tomorrow is the first
presidential debate between Harris and Trump. Today, President Biden called
Harris to offer his support, and he was very reassuring. Biden told her, "Listen, the worst that can happen
is all the Democrats unite and kick you off the ticket." [ Laughter ] Actually, the White House said that Biden's looking
forward to watching the debate, which is exactly what
he did last time. [ Laughter ] The debate is being held
in Philadelphia. Yeah. Today, Trump climbed two
of the Rocky steps and was like, "Yo, Melania, almost did it! I'm too tired.
Let's go down. Let's..." [ Laughter and applause ] Of course,
both candidates are very busy with last-minute preparations. Right now, Trump is trying
to decide which shade of bronzer -- "Jack O'Lantern
Orange or Burnt Corn on the Cob? I don't know."
[ Laughter ] But I saw that Trump's
team doesn't call his practice "debate prep." They call it "policy time." [ Laughter ] Then, after policy time,
it's tummy time and then a nap. That's the way it works.
[ Laughter and applause ] Tummy time.
"My neck is getting stronger." Some more election news --
over the weekend, former vice president
Dick Cheney endorsed Kamala Harris. Yeah, it was nice -- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] It was nice for Cheney
to have a change of heart that wasn't an actual
change of heart. [ Laughter ] You know
these are strange times when Dick Cheney and
Barbra Streisand are voting
for the same person. [ Laughter ] Well, over the summer, Louisiana became
the first state to mandate that the Ten Commandments
be displayed in every public school
classroom. Wait. What?
I can't do this joke. That news is almost
three months old. Yeah. Oh. -James.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Wait. What?
-We'll take it, Jimmy. We'll take it.
-What's -- What's going on? What's going on? Michael Che, Colin Jost!
[ Cheers and applause ] Wait, wait, wait.
What? What are you guys doing here? -What are we doing here?
-Yes! -We don't know.
-Okay, but... -No, but the news
you were talking about, it seems old to you, Jimmy,
but we've been away all summer. -We missed you guys.
-There's been so much news that we have not been
able to joke about. -Yeah, so we were wondering, would it be okay
if we told some of those jokes from the summer right now? -All right.
[ Cheers and applause ] I think we should do it. -We didn't have a chance to.
-Let's do it. Okay. Here we go. This summer, Louisiana became
the first state to mandate that the Ten Commandments
be displayed in every public school
classroom. -Wow!
Every public school classroom. My only question is,
what's public school? [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -It's a -- never mind.
Yeah. In July, Donald Trump chose Ohio Senator JD Vance
as his running mate. -Well, I guess you
can't dodge every bullet. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -How about this?
There was a report this summer that the best cities in the U.S.
to retire are Minneapolis,
Orlando, and Cincinnati. -Yes, while the worst city
to retire in is once again
Elder Abuse, New Mexico. [ Laughter ] -I'm not familiar with that. -It's good schools,
good schools. -Oh, they do? Public? Private?
-Great. -Well, I saw
that Kendrick Lamar hosted a massive Juneteenth concert
in L.A. -Which is weird
because I thought it was Drake who liked the teenths. [ Laughter ] -Wow.
-He likes the teenths. -Finally,
this actually happened. An Indiana court ruled
that a taco is a sandwich. -A taco is a sandwich?
That's it. Build the wall!
-Oh, my God! [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you for dropping in. Guys, stream
their stand-up special, "Colin Jost and Michael Che
present New York After Dark," live on Peacock
this Thursday at 9:00 p.m.! They're back. Brother.
Thank you, bud. -It was great to meet you.
-Oh, so nice to meet you. -[ Laughs ]
-Where are we going? -Well, switching gears,
according to a new report, Elon Musk is on pace to become the world's
first trillionaire by 2027. And people are worried that,
once he becomes a trillionaire, he might get weird. [ Laughter ] Some business news. I saw that Red lobster
is exiting bankruptcy and will operate
their restaurants. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. I don't want to say
how they're saving money, but it's not good
that the "lobster" is now in quotations. [ Laughter ] Hey, this is fun. Earlier tonight,
"Wheel of Fortune" premiered its new season
with Ryan Seacrest as host. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] They obviously wanted to give
the show a fresher feel, but it's not just
"Wheel of Fortune." I think "Jeopardy!" is trying to
seem younger and fresher, too, but I'm not sure they're
going about it the right way. Just check out some
of these new categories. First, there was
"Famous Zaddys." [ Laughter ] Then there's
"Skibidi & Potpourri." [ Laughter ] Then there was "European Simps." Next there's
"To 'Bae' or Not To 'Bae.'" [ Laughter ] Then there's "Literary Karens." Then there's
"Dictators with Rizz." Then there's
"U.S. President Body Counts." And, finally,
there's "Biblical AF." Anyway, I just --
it seems desperate. I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. [ Cheers and applause ] Did you guys hear this? Billy McFarland just announced
a date for Fyre Fest II. -Oh.
[ Audience groans ] -Yep, Fyre Fest II.
It's called the debate. [ Laughter ] Guys, get this -- cantaloupe
sold in multiple states have been recalled due to potential salmonella
contamination. The CDC said,
"You know that part of the fruit salad
you always throw away?" [ Laughter ] "Keep doing that."
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] -Whoo! Finally, guys, it's Monday. It's time for "WePost."
Here we go. -Whoa! -♪ WePost ♪ ♪♪ ♪ WePost ♪ -Welcome to "WePost." This is where we, as a group,
decide something we should post on socials. I'm gonna show you
five different posts, and we're all gonna vote on whether you like
each one or not. And you all have
voting clickers at your seats. Yep, you can vote
for all of these, you can vote for none of these,
whatever you want to do. and we're gonna see
the results live. Higgins, Roots,
you all have clickers. I'll post whichever one gets
the most likes from all of us because it's not a me post,
it's a we post. -Oh.
-You guys ready? Here we go.
This first post is... [ Laughter ] It's like, "Who is she?" All right, thumbs up,
thumbs down. Let's see what you did.
Votes are in. Let's see the resul-- Whoa!
Not bad. Good start.
That's a good start. This next one's not bad. Yeah.
-Not bad or not good? -Uh...let's see.
It says... [ Laughter ] "Honey, it looks like
a clown wig." [ Laughter ] All right, let's see
the results on this one here. That's what I'm talking about! [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow! ♪♪ Damn. -I'll do this last one
just for fun, but that's gonna be
the winner. All right, here we go.
This last one is... [ Laughter ] That's not bad, either.
-Come on. -Ah!
It's gonna be tough. It's that or Airbnb, I think. Meatball --
-This one's good, too, though. -It's pretty good.
You're wearing white pants. -Yeah. -All right.
Let's see the results. No! That's right.
We got it. Airbnb is the winner. This one right here, number 4. I'm gonna post this
during the break. If you happen to see it online,
give that we post a repost. We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots! ♪♪ -[ Rapping indistinctly ] ♪♪ -Uh, guys, just a quick mention
that this Friday is the golf matchup
everyone is talking about. It will be settled
once and for all. That's right. I'm talking
about the Cardigan Classic. I challenged -- I challenged
DJ Khaled to a golf match. [ Laughter ] He looked like a fun guy
to play with. And he's really into golf,
and so I challenged him. I don't know him that well,
but I went, and we played in Lake Tahoe,
and it was unbelievable. It was so fun. And it was -- it's ridiculous. But it's going to air
this Friday at 11:35 p.m. It's an hour of fun, of real intense golf
and serious business. -Serious golf.
-Yeah! I mean,
the winner gets a red cardigan. -Oh.
-That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Spoiler alert! -Is this the only one
you're gonna do? You think you're gonna do... -Another one?
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
That's good. That's it right there. [ Cheers and applause ] That's good. Uh, guys, what a great show
we have for you tonight. She is a legendary,
legendary actress who is getting incredible
reviews for her new movie, "The Substance," which is in theaters
nationwide September 20th. Demi Moore is here tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Come on!
-Come on! -Come on. Unbelievable show tonight. You know her from
"The Knick" and "Bad Sisters." She now stars in the new series
"The Perfect Couple," which is currently
the number-one show on Netflix. Eve Hewson
is joining us tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] Big show, great music. -Oh, come on.
-My fave, great music. St. Vincent is here tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Big show. I'm sorry if I --
if I seem a little distracted. I'm still thinking about
this nightmare I had last night. Or should I say my Tonightmare? [ Thunder crashes,
woman screams ] I was alone, lost
in the middle of a corn maze. It was getting dark,
and I couldn't find my way out. ♪♪ I started to panic. I turned left and then right
and then left again. And then I tried to jump.
But all I could see, far off in the distance, was a sinister-looking
scarecrow. I jumped again!
But the scarecrow was gone. And that's
when I heard a rustling nearby. No, it was right behind me. No!
It was right in front of me. The scarecrow was alive,
a-and it was made of bone! I-It reached its skeletal hand
toward me a-a-and -- a-a-and gave me two tickets
to Jimmy Fallon's Tonightmares, an immersive haunted-maze
experience right here
at Rockefeller Center. It opens September 20th
through Halloween. Get tickets. Go to
JimmyFallonsTonightmares.com. My nightmare has become
your reality. We'll be right back with --
Aah! [ Smooth jazz plays ] -Stick around. We'll be right
back with Demi Moore. [ Laughs evilly ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪