Have I Got News for You S67 E7. Jason Manford. 17 May 24

[Music] oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening welcome to have I got news for you I'm Jason Manford in the news this week at airport security one man regrets getting tety with staff as he's LED off to have a full body cavity search in Northampton the culprit behind a Spate of vending machine thefts is finally trapped [Applause] down and in ashon underline Angela Raina slips out the back way as police try to interview her about her housing Arrangements on Ian's team tonight is a comedian and former newsreader one of whose earlier jobs was working at the same radio station station is ktie Hopkins it was his job to tell her when the sun had gone down and it was time to come out of the coffin please welcome Glenn Moore on Paul's team tonight is a labor MP whose childhood ambition was to be prime minister and has therefore made several appearances on this show nice try but I don't think the public are going to make the same mistake twice please welcome Jess Phillips MP so we begin with the bigger news stories of the week Paul and Jess have a little look at this Prince oh I can't stand color red can't stand red wi um gu is Prince Charles and Camila this is oh this is a color red again I can't stand color red everywhere I go is a color red why is this red I can't stand color red uh so Charles weld the first official portrait of himself as King by artist Jonathan yo yes do you reckon the artist turned up open his box and he was like I've only brought red I've only brought red the fingers do look really unflattering I know that he famously has sausage fingers yeah but they've really accentuated they're the only thing you can see apart from his face what do you make of it from an artistic point of view though from from the art world what do you think of it as a piece of art it's it's a bit freidy it's a bit bacony it's a bit it's not bacony it's sausy but they've been out and box spot people they found out what the general public think this is some people being bothered by a BBC reporter yeah the the red is quite disturbing oh man it's pretty pretty red looks kind of like a massacre or something here it's very red that is quite red indeed yeah that's unusual that's what the people think what observation was made by times art critic Laura Freeman I don't know but I mean it presume to be something other than it's red which is what everybody says she said that blending the figure of the king in with the background was a clever way to disguise those big ears what suggestion did King Charles come up with regarding the portrait burn it according to Jonathan yo Charles suggested including the butterfly which entering stage left there you can see it uh what's the life expectancy of a butterfly sure couple of days in [Laughter] it you did that I didn't do that in other portrait news yes why is Australia's richest woman mining billionaire Gina Reinhardt not happy there's a portrait of her she doesn't like yeah it's got to be that isn't it and to be fair she's right [Applause] wow back to the Royals what else has the king revealed this week oh new warrants new warrants yes not for prince Andrew though h no Royal warrants the winners and losers have been announced do you know which company had its warrants renewed Benson and hedges Benson and hedges is that gone as well no I don't know I just assume I just remember that adct oh I presume they're against that sort of thing I would say well definitely Charles is not wrong I think he's gone to malra light du of malra light probably it's a company that possibly irritated the king at one point in quite is it the Parker Pen there you go the pen Parker Pen the stinky ink pen yes here it is [Music] I love the way that Camila took over yeah which is sort of what's happened in the last couple of months anyway right bye darling I'll sign everything go royal warrant Gordon's Jin they've actually renewed The Royal warrant on Parker pens um oh Camila Parker Pen there we go thank you very much very go here's their letter of thanks who didn't get a sausage walls sausages no no it was a butcher shop near Balmoral Castle lost its Royal warrant owner John Sinclair was baffled saying they'd fulfilled an order to balal just days before the Queen's death in 2022 think that might be your answer John in a week what did the king not have time to do didn't see Harry who came over for some reason I can't remember Invictus games oh was it the invictor games but I mean they were in the same city at the same time I'm often in the same city as my dad and I don't go and see him I mean like I mean not every day maybe he's going to pop in another time have you written a book about him called I hate you no I don't hope my dad just um I think Charles saw David Beckham instead yeah that's right no offense to my own son I would do the same and do you know what they ched about was it football NOP tattoos I've got the Edinburgh tattoo bees bees the chat about bees bees where did Harry go next Nigeria that's right yeah he went on a royal tour oh well that prince who emailed me they went on what wasn't a royal tour no it's just but it looked a lot like a royal tour Megan did make a motivational speech as per um what did she tell a group of students she said her daughter AET had said to her when I look at you I see you in me uh is that right right yeah girl it's pretty good for a 2-year-old pretty good isn't it it just makes me feel my own children were a bit thick the idea that a 2-year-old said that she said something with the word poo in it and then long that's what and if she didn't then take your kid to see a [Laughter] psychiatrist wrong with them finally what did Sue and Judy get up to on a lovely day out at the British Library oh this is the attempted attack on the Magna car isn't it just stop oil that's right um something about how the magnar stands for various freedoms and rights and those freedoms and rights are being affected by the climate situation but that's as much as I know I think they were trying to get inside the case really how big's the case I mean it's and how big were they well i' they suffocate they haven't thought this through they haven't thought it through it's one of the best attempts to get into a box you've ever seen in your life I have a watch of this yeah we must just stop oil this is how bad pollution in London is they're 30 so this is the portrait of King Charles unveiled this week according to the sun artist Jonathan yo said he was nervous about the unveiling I don't know why Charles didn't like it he could get Kate to tickle it up in Photoshop Jonathan yo is an accomplished Royal Portrait Painter but I'm happy to say he's no Ralph Harris Jilly Cooper was given a Dame Hood this week Charles hosted the investor ceremony at Windsor Castle where Jilly Cooper was honored nervously hesitantly she knelt trembling before the proud mon no Jil [Applause] stop Ian and glad take a look at this that's some Tory voters just going through and rishy or Kier st's predecessor can see kier's head but nothing else and that's the future richy sunak has got a new approach this week saying if you don't vote for me there won't be someone like me in charge when War breaks out I think this is what used to be project fear and he's now saying there's Russians there's Chinese there's North Korean there's Iranians you know who knew and therefore we should vote for him I literally can't understand what he carries on he's got load of money and like houses all over the place yeah so is Angela Raina oh yes it's the same Angela Raina and richy suak exactly the same it's a principle Jess it's not about quantity about honesty dealing with these matters the week you announce a tax Freud inquiry one of the people is coming entirely clean about the tax I'm please come be clean about it why did you go so high then with your voice because because I in yeah he said don't let K starma depress you into voting for him K is going to actually excite you with his Sixpoint plan yeah used to be five but inflation terrible here he was in full flow yesterday if you can't pay your bills if you can't buy a house these are huge changes friend little thing um that's a strong man we need in a time of crisis wasn't there an interview where Obama was being bothered by a fly and he caught it oh yeah then there was that Boris Johnson one where he then tried to chat up the fly yes um Kier is he as much of a right laugh as he seems he's funner than rishy sunak he told me to [ __ ] off the other day did it yeah cuz I was showing a level of sympathy to rishy sunak I was like I am starting to feel a bit sorry for him and he was I'll [ __ ] off Jess fair enough yeah he did try a little Zinger against rishie in prime minister's questions this week he was planning to call him Tech bro let's see how well it went Mr Speaker he must be the only Tech bro brother in the who can't work a t card or send an email you want to die don't you K's not had a great week cuz rishy sunak has been able to make some quite good jokes about who is this completely awful person who's just joined the label party who used to be you know in the Tory Party 5 minutes ago it does give you leverage was that depressing Jess yeah a bit depressing yeah anyone else you wouldn't like to welcome there's no way I can do this without it being lious so good let's go it's the room I'll tell you what I'll do it in Parliament because then I'm safe what do you think about having Natalie Ali as a as a colleague I find it problematic considering what she said about the victims of her ex-husband who was sent to prison for sexual crimes you got her to apologize for I did get her to apologize I don't know that she would say it in those terms uh but that's how happened [Music] did she vote for you this week with your motion she did vote with my motion and we won by one and so people say to me yeah there you go people say oh it was Natalie alix's vote that's not how mats Works uh if you're going to clap clap thanks what is Richie sunak encourag everyone to do grow their own vegetables grow their own vegetables V labor he says we're become a too reliant on foreign fruits and vegetables so do you want to play a little game the male produced a handy guide to what foods should be eaten if you're patriotic right you red white and blueberry a big boo for no and a cheer for yes okay that's what we're going to go for so here we are fried egg on toast and a glass of milk yes proper British yeah ham boo it's boo we foreign yeah avocado on toast patriotic or not patriotic yeah exactly foreign foreign b b when did we stop calling it an avocado P you're ruining my game oh sorry let me just play this game I think the producers got there before you all right I I apologize King prawns yeah from Asia Bo I mean I'm going to get cancelled for this cont going Asia boo anyway I could play that all night I've got to move on so this is Rishi sunak starting his election campaign meanwhile the Tories have been trying to undermine the defection of Natalie Ali to the labor party with one source revealing Eli was con considered for a government job first by Liz truss when she became prime minister in 2022 eventually it was decided she wasn't fit for such high office and no was Natalie Elfie this week Dominic Cummins gave the ey newspaper his first major interview since leaving number 10 which began for some Dominick Cummins is a Visionary I'm God I thought his vision was terrible time now for round two and inspired by the new Royal portrait we've commissioned our own artists to paint some news stories so fingers on buzzers for the painting spin quiz here's your first one so this is the Donald Trump trial Michael Cohen who used to be Donald Trump's fixer is now the uh trying to fix him in another way and there's going to be a presidential debate Joe Biden's insisted that there's no audience and uh also that when it's not your turn to talk the microphone will be turned off which I think could be and also it's going to be grand entertainment because Donald Trump is seriously losing it he made a speech the other one of his rallies he complimented the late great Hannibal Lector that's right and also he said from his favorite film The Silence of the Lamb along with his other favorite film star war lost in power magnificent six do you want to see the clip go for it here we go Silence of the Lamb has anyone ever SE The Silence of the limps the late great Hannibal Lector is a wonderful man he often times would have a friend for dinner remember the last scene excuse me I'm about to have a friend for dinner is this poor doctor walked by I'm about to have a friend for dinner but Hannibal Lector congratulations the late great Hannibal Lector you could trace Donald Trump's hold over supporters by looking at the people in the background like three or four years ago they were all cheering now they look completely confused is he just into every baddy from every movie so it's the great shark jaars we love him because he's great and he's [Laughter] white this week 81y old President Biden and 77 year-old Donald Trump agreed to a televised head-to-head debate yes just two men two microphones one defibrillator all right fingers on Buzz teams last one here we go for the Masterpiece uh right this is Tottenham versus Manchester City I think and Manchester City were playing at Spurs and Arsenal are challenging Manchester City for the title it was thought that a lot of Spurs fans wanted their team to lose to stop Arsenal from winning the championship that's exactly right yeah could you explain again the Royal Engineers were playing the Corinthians that's a proper match proper match yes before the game what did Australian manager of Spurs and POA kogo say to journalists who asked him if he thought the home crowd would actually want to lose the game to stop Arsenal winning well he said no I I don't I just I don't think any true Spurs F why is he talking in a South African accent he said I don't think any true football fan would want that yeah he said please don't tell me that's your world if it is you need counseling I understand rivalry but I'll never understand anyone wanting their own team to lose to which a Spurs fan immediately tweeted I want us to lose so badly on Tuesday that we get an Arsenal Club statement afterwards reporting us for match fixing the to fans switched Allegiance from their own side to Man City shamelessly supporting whoever seems likely to win who' do that eh time now for the odd one out round just one between you this week they are Van Halen tax lawyer Daniel needle the national cyber security Center and Bambi thug bamby thug is a very well-known singer this week who plays for Tottenham no she was on Eurovision she was the Irish entry yes and there was trouble she had messages hidden in her tattoos oh did she she Isle isn't she yeah um is that right that is correct yes well done and who's he he's a lawyer he's a tax lawyer and he often goes on Twitter and breaks down the actual tax law for people uh to understand he did like a prank involving red Wayne go on it was like a way of checking if people read through do like reading through terms and conditions that he basically put like a free fancy oh yeah in the middle of someone just a CFA rdit and I think it's only just been claimed yeah that's correct that is correct well done Van Halen's the odd one out why is that they're famous for asking sort of like bowl of Smarties but having all the red ones taken out yeah Van Halen said the only reason that they did that was to make sure that somebody had read it so those two are in she's got h of messages the national cyber security don't hide messages when that's actually what they should do that bang on yeah yeah there you go they've all hidden in information apart from the national cyber security Center which openly advertised the door entry code to visitors anyone got an idea what the code for the door was 1 2 3 4 it was 1 2 3 4 oh my husband who worked on many building sites said if you want to ever get into a building site it's always 1966 19 and what happened then it's the anniversary of the Battle of Hastings what are the top password choices in the UK do you think password password's up there one two one two one two do you know what it's not keep that yeah shall we do the top 10 of most popular in the UK all right here it goes all right number one is 1 2 3 4 5 6 number two is 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 number three is password 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 is in four quiry at number five for you letter fans 1 2 3 4 5 is 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 is 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 90 sneaky let me in at N9 and then out of nowhere it's football at number 10 [Applause] that's absolutely brilliant that makes me love people there's a lot of people quickly changing their password to home rid how did the security Center defend their actions we're stupid they said it's the code they give to journalists as it's all most of them can remember fa FL FL so you're quite right Dan needle hid a reward on his think tanks website for anyone who bothered to read the terms and conditions a 10-year-old bottle of red bordo worth 35 quid I found it says on my contract I won't bring the BBC into disrepute yeah but you've never signed it though have you baroness Mo went after him yeah try and stop him saying that she'd basically ripped off the entire country and then taken the money and transferred it to a private Family Trust well that didn't stop you saying that did it so well done rock band Van Halen demanded M&M's backstage but with all the brown ones taken out it was actually a test lead singer David Lee Roth explained in his Memoir if I saw a brown Eminem backstage they didn't read the contract guaranteed you're going to arrive at technical error that happens to me as well is it yeah and I got here today and was brown M&M's in my room there I was absolutely Furious about it and just what did Irish Eurovision entry Bambi Thug try and hide Ian said tattoos yeah what M on the tattoos it was the word ceasefire It Was Written uh in the ancient Irish writing known as AUM let's have a little look at that it is right on the side there coincidentally an ancient stone bearing AUM script was dug up this week by a man in centry here it is oh I mean is it augum or someone just hit that with a spade a lot Graeme senior had been clearing out an overgrown flower bed he said I just saw this thing sticking out and thought that's not normal back to your vision what happened during finland's performance oh was this a blo with no trous ah he was brilliant yeah that's right one of the performers climbed out of a giant egg wearing tiny denim shorts and then accidentally exposed himself gram in Coventry she said I just saw this thing sticking out and thought that's not normal time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication wood turning magazine and we start with British cheesemonger causes controversy after suggesting what British cheesemonger causing controversy after suggesting free with two women who try to steal the magnada that is right isn't it uh the actual answer is British cheese Monger causes controversy after suggesting you dip your cheese in coffee oh no his mind cheese Monger Edward Hancock has developed a goua that is best enjoyed with black coffee according to Edward chunks of cheese should be immersed in the coffee for 30 seconds then removed after which bits of coffee cheese or chofe are left at the bottom of the C along with the rest of the coffee and the cheese right next one here we go if you're having problems with what you are not alone paranoia if you're having problems with Solitude I'm not sure you're going to get it guys premature adhesive solidification yeah true we've all been there we've all been there happens all the time nothing to be embarrassed about that no no um finally your teenager is more likely to what than what be younger than you wank then [Applause] study that is true no they could do both the rise and fall of the Russian Empire Julius Caesar is it more likely to do like oh you're going to sh answer now uh more likely to call you basic than a plonker all right so the final scores are Ian and Glenn three Paul and Jess have eight on which note we say thank you to our panelists in Hislop and Glen Moore Paul Merton and Jess Phillips and I leave you with news that after performing a successful sellout show in Paris Keith Richards and MC Jagger celebrate by letting their hair down at a local nightclub that could be the two women from the British museum there it at labor party headquarters in the queue for the canteen someone bumps into West streeting with a tray of cucumbers and at lid election fundraiser it appears organizers may have misjudged the number of attendees as the lunchtime sandwich platter is put out good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] murder they hope is a scream a very Northern who done it with an Allstar cast press red to watch now on I player and the comedy continues in Cork here on BBC 1 back to class for Connor in young offenders next [Applause] [Music] [Applause] w