I had a relationship that was like abusive like abusive dude narcissist um it got really ugly and it it really warped my brain to where I thought everything was my fault and it took like years of therapy to get that out of my head um m20s I was in my mid 20s and then I was single for a while and I also dated a lot of just losers like guys without jobs or ambition and I think I told myself like you know if I this up it doesn't matter if she's a loser anyway mhm but I actually couldn't I never actually reacted that way right the way I would react is like not even this loser wants [Music] me I know where's my wine right now never never actually were but it was a lot of therapy and then you know I I cuz I was in a place for my entire 20s when I would not have been open to a secure man like my husband like a secure why because of that because I was I because I'd be so worried about messing it up yeah I I I you get addicted to you know the pizzazz that an untreated mental illness can bring to the relationship you think that that's love where it's the fighting and the Pat and this and this and that you think that that's love and it's it's not it's like an addiction ultimately I would be addicted to the drama of these relationships and then I went through all this therapy I got out of the relationship and then I was I you know my husband I met him and I didn't like him at first and I talk about this in the book too I was like like he's got a job you know he seems like he might calmly work his way through a disagreement instead of having us like blocking and unblocking each other on Instagram like boy cuz you think that would be boring and it actually isn't like it's actually also very fun but I had to get to that point which took a lot of a lot of work and self-awareness of what I was doing and seeing these past relationships for what they really were which isn't love wasn't my fault I'm not unlovable it's like these guys that's all they have is to make me feel bad about myself so that I'll accept these things so you had a good upbringing right mhm yeah so where where do you think