-Let's get to the news. In a new interview
with podcaster Lex Fridman, former President Trump
acknowledged that he lost the 2020 election
"by a whisker." Luckily for Trump,
nobody heard it, because it was
on Lex Fridman's podcast. [ Laughter ] In a new interview,
Hillary Clinton gave Vice-President
Kamala Harris advice for her upcoming debate
against former President Trump and said Harris should
"bait him." Oh, good idea.
You know what she should do? Show up as a Black woman.
[ Laughter ] Former President Trump
held a rally on Saturday and said he would eliminate
the Education Department. It's part of his new
Every Child Left Behind program. [ Laughter ] Former First Lady Melania Trump
announced last week she will release
her first memoir. Wow! When did she have the time
to write a book? Oh, right. Always. [ Laughter ] The Taliban recently released a new 114-page manifesto
restricting women's rights. They're calling it Project 1025. [ Laughter ] Today was the first day of
Google's second antitrust trial, where the Justice Department
is seeking to break up the company
due to its control of Internet searches. For more on this story, Bing it! [ Laughter ] And finally, a man in Michigan recently won free wings
for a year at a local bar by chugging 24 ounces of ranch
in just 13 seconds. But it sounds
like that guy is headed for
some free wings anyway. [ Laughter ] Vice-President Kamala Harris and former President Trump
faced off tonight in their first and only
scheduled presidential debate. And if it went anything
like the last one, that's probably
why you're still awake. [ Laughter ] That's right. Vice-President Kamala Harris
faced off tonight with former President Trump in
her first presidential debate, while Trump was still hoping Biden would show up. [ Laughter ] Ahead of tonight's debate, Vice-President Kamala Harris
reportedly prepared by debating an adviser
playing former President Trump wearing a boxy suit. So, thanks to David Byrne
for his service to our country. [ Laughter ] [As Trump]
You may find yourself... [ Laughter ] ...living in a shotgun shack,
it's true. Where's my beautiful car? [ Laughter ] [Normal voice]
According to ABC News, candidates were not allowed
to interact with their staff during commercial breaks in
tonight's presidential debate. Said Trump, "Oh, it's like
4 a.m. there anyway." [ Laughter ] In a new interview, former Republican presidential
candidate Nikki Haley defended her support
of former President Trump and said, "We can either vote
based on style or we can vote on substance." Alright, no one's voting for him
on style. He looks like he's wearing two
sky dancers from a used-car lot. [ Laughter ] Former first lady Melania
Trump announced last week that she will release
her first memoir. And there's something
familiar about it. [ Laughter ] It'll come to me. The Taliban recently released a new 114-page
manifesto of laws, including a ban
on women's voices in public. "But there's some bad stuff
in there, too," said JD Vance. [ Laughter ] In a new interview,
film director Ron Howard, who directed
the movie adaptation of Ohio Senator JD Vance's
memoir "Hillbilly Elegy," said he does not support former
President Trump, adding, "Also, could you describe me as 'Apollo 13' director
instead?" [ Laughter ] Done, like, a lot of movies. Residents of several
New Jersey towns have reportedly complained
that they can smell a foul odor that is reminiscent
of cat urine, as opposed to what it
usually smells like -- human urine. [ Laughter ] What's that? The audience is asking for one
more joke on this news story? [ Cheers and applause ]
I'm done. I'm done. Okay. That's right. New Jersey
residents are complaining that they can smell a foul odor that is reminiscent
of cat urine, which sanitation officials
assured them was just Staten Island
marking its territory. [ Laughter ] Election day is now
less than eight weeks away, which is also not
for nothing about how long it takes
to get your passport renewed. During last night's debate, Vice-President Kamala Harris'
campaign held more than 1,300 watch parties
across the country as opposed to the last debate
where we all attended can't watch parties. [ Laughter ] Ahead of last night's debate, former President Trump won
the coin toss, saving him the trouble of getting
the Supreme Court involved. Last night's debate was hosted
by ABC news and simulcast on Fox, CBS and NBC. Although, NBC,
haven't we done enough? Second Gentleman
Doug Emhoff and Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro
attended a Pearl Jam concert over the weekend
in Philadelphia. "Wow, that makes me feel old,"
said Pearl Jam. [ Laughter ] The FBI said in a new report
this week that cryptocurrency fraud increased
last year by 45% to 145%. A lawsuit was filed
this week against the makers of Trojan Condoms that claims
their products are not safe because they contain
forever chemicals. Wow, so whether you use
them or not, you're going to have
something forever. [ Laughter ] And finally,
"The Wall Street Journal" recently published
an article titled "Dear Men,
You're Eating Too Much Meat." They also published
a rebuttal titled "Dear Women, I Said,
I'll Be Out in a Minute." Tuesday night's debate between
Vice-President Kamala Harris and former president Trump was watched
by a reported 67 million people and then rewatched
by at least one. "Get him, Kamala!" In a new interview,
former independent presidential candidate
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said that Vice-President
Kamala Harris won Tuesday night's
debate in terms of her delivery, polish, organization,
and preparation. But he did say that
Trump had the best recipe ideas. OpenAI C.E.O.
Sam Altman reportedly met with top officials
today at the White House. God, imagine trying
to explain A.I. to Biden. "Hey, I'll be honest, fella,
I just learned the fax machine. Somebody puts a piece of paper
in a different place. It comes out the same piece
of paper. It's the same piece. It just looks like the
same piece of paper. See, you slow down
with your A.I., because right now, it's fax
machines, the future." In a new interview,
Ohio Senator JD Vance criticized Taylor Swift
for endorsing Vice-President Kamala Harris and said she's
a billionaire celebrity who is out of touch
with most Americans. And, yeah,
he knows what you're thinking, but he's not a billionaire. Ohio Senator JD Vance
was in New York today, but only until he saw
our massive, childless woman. [ Cheers and applause ] Ohio Governor Mike DeWine
yesterday rejected former president Trump's claims that Haitian immigrants
in Springfield are eating household pets, but he admitted
that some sickos in Cincinnati were caught putting
chili on spaghetti. According to the latest numbers,
more than 337 -- excuse me -- 337,000 people visited vote.gov
through the custom link shared by Taylor Swift in her endorsement
of Vice-President Kamala Harris, which means Democrats
are finally pulling in that coveted
12-to-16 demographic. According to a new survey, nearly 1 in 4 young adults said
they do not plan on having kids, while the other three said, "You think I have time
for a survey?!" The Institute for Human Anatomy released a new
YouTube video titled "The Fracture You Don't Want --
Penile Fractures," raising the question,
which fracture do I want? Campbell's Soup Company
announced this week that it intends to drop the word
"soup" from its official name. And you know what that means -- they're finally getting into
weapons manufacturing. Oh, good.
That's a good graphic. According to a new ranking, Hawaii is the happiest state
in the country, also, not coincidentally,
the farthest away from it. And, finally,
Carnival Cruise Line confirmed last week that its
ship, the Carnival Spirit, struck an iceberg
off the coast of Alaska, but added that the vessel
did not sustain any damage. The iceberg, however,
now has Norovirus. That was the monologue,
everybody. Here we go!