Coworkers can be Idiots

we were playing a game at work where you name countries beginning with each letter of the alphabet a for Albania B for Brazil Etc R comes up colleague says Argentina we were checking out Google's street view of our office my coworker jumped up and said I'll go stand out the front see if you can see me on air my God where do you work in it my coworker tried to explain to me that mice don't have bones I heard two people in the lunchroom at work it's my birthday oh happy birthday how are you still older than me girl 18 thought that pasta was harvested from the ocean floor like some sort of saltwater grass one of my co-workers just got her first iPhone and I was explaining to her how backing up to the cloud Works her response oh what happens to the data when it rains though coworker food tastes better after you eat it I have 17 bottles of perfume cuz some people don't even have that many toes how do you type a capital 4 this sounds like a Yahoo answers question uh that'll be 4 years next May we'll have lost him uh yeah I'm okay I'm okay in the English language if a word starts with a Q it is almost always followed by a u oh yeah uh what about crosson I bought a venus fly trap for my desk at work one of the women who works in HR came over to my desk and stared at it for a long time looking confused eventually she asked where are its eyes sh he's sleeping the accountant at my for for company was challenged to name at least one member of The Beatles after 5 minutes he said John Voldemort lass at work said she didn't believe in gravity he thought 50% off in a product meant it costed 50 bucks less no matter the price is Japan in the European Union she thought the countries in the UK were England Wales France and Middlesboro a manager at a company where I used to work asked me to send her a file so I emailed it as an attachment 5 minutes later when when she was done looking at it she asked me if I needed it back just last week I had to explain to my boss that me having two computer monitors does not use more internet coworker now partner had to explain that wind isn't made by trees that the first of a month isn't always on a Monday she wouldn't believe me and told me my calendar was wrong polar bears are not from Poland that the printer is not in fact low on cyanide dubstep is not a band oh squ is my favorite song of theirs that ice wasn't alive Jesus yeah to to be fair I had previously convinced her ice was alive someone in my old office thought King Kong was a true story what do you mean I need to charge this thing it's supposed to be Wireless guy at work AR his laptop not turning on you want to know something weird I'm taller than my mom yeah I'm taller than my mom too no you don't understand she used to be taller than me my coworker refused to believe Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones was little person in real life she was convinced it was CGI trickery the whole way through oh don't get me started on that show the girls at my old job used to watch that I to explain that dragons weren't real to which they looked up from their computers shot me withering looks and unironically said uh Matt obviously dragons used to exist uh why do you think they used to have Knights back then we had to make a site visit saw a sign that said 65 miles to the site and I said something like oh cool got an hour left worker asked how I knew that I said well as soon as we're traveling at 65 mph with 65 mil left in our trip that's about an hour give or take she said that's not how that works how fast you're going doesn't have anything to do with the time it takes to get there how fast you're going doesn't have anything to do with the time it takes to get there bro my wife's color blind an old coworker of mine was convinced if she wore all blue that my wife wouldn't be able to see her my gen Z coworker had no idea what a thesaur was his best guest a dinosaur we had a girl declare in a te- room full of people that her husband didn't believe in Gods he was oh what's the word an anesthetist I used to work with a woman who was absolutely convinced that spiderwebs were made from human skin why do the crossings beat for blind people but blind people can't drive I met a girl who tried to warn me about drinking water that had been boiled because she said it boiled away the hydration and you'd still die ey of thirst if you just drank that this is the first thing I thought of since I have it pinned to my wall why can't is the vacation calendar on SharePoint read only what you typed makes no sense call me that I understood what it meant I just wanted to give my boss a hard time jeez did he even really been far even has decided to use even go want to look like we complained to our it worker that the system is running really slowly she told us to send her a screenshot didn't realize you could increase the size of web page he had Google open on like a quarter of his screen and pulled out a magnifying glass to see it better laptop was overheating so she ped water on it in the last two weeks within 5 minutes of this guy touching a computer it's died motherboard and two hard drives he's the technological harbinger of death skull emoji a guy I work with said that a football referee runs over the distance of a marathon during a game I pointed out that a football game was only 90 minutes long and that the marathon record was just just over 2 hours so uh that would be impossible he said it was possible because a football referee changes Direction a lot during a game and it all adds up one girl told me she didn't believe in the Mongols because they seem a bit farfetched blowing balloons up with my own air you know no gas Etc prior to a party no no no don't blow up the balloons that fall to the floor blow up the floating balloons what we need to use helium for that no you're just not bothering that's what it is dude stop being an [ __ ] just blow helium for a yeah I mean that's absolutely true if a balloon sinks like that we all know it's because helium is a state of mind so drink your wine and get your head in the zone yeah now blow up that balloon and if you think that you're blowing helium then guess what mate once you've tied the not in that balloon you will have breathed helium because you can do anything with a positive attitude I saw a tattooist I worked with tattoo laugh now cry ladder across a guy's chest I worked with a guy decided to look for a propane leak on the forklift with a lighter didn't work with him after that took the wrong coffin to a funeral an old co-worker named James we worked at McDonald's and were're both 16 one time while mopping the lobby he for some unknown reason decided to chase a number of customers around with the mop yelling I'm going to get you he he was fired on the spot I keep picturing him at a job interview so why did you leave your last job my last job oh yeah why did I leave um new guy was told to wear oven mitts to carry a very hot hotel pan guy said don't worry I'm strong proceeded to burn his hands and forearms and drop $300 worth of product did he think the purpose of the mits was to make weak people stronger this guy he always tried to hide at work to avoid working one day I was looking for him and I stepped into the bathroom I noticed a shoe print on the back of the toilet and I look up one of the ceiling tiles is pushed a little to the side I climb up there and this [ __ ] is hiding in the ceiling one of the lifeguards was really hung over so we took a [ __ ] in the pool we didn't have to open up for the day well no now that's a stroke of Genius and finally my coworker at the bowling alley had to walk down a lane where a group of very young children maybe 4 to8 years old were bowling to retrieve a ball that had stopped in the gutter about halfway down to the pens when he' picked up the ball my other coworker told him to go walk it back down to the children however this guy had it in his mind that it would be best to bowl it back down at the group of small children instead you say small children I say larger pins [Applause]