the Vietnam War it's over your John's just begun a new HBO original limited series welcome to the world of spycraft strap in from executive producers Park Chen wuk and Robert Downey Jr what are you concealing based on the Pulitzer prizewinning novel by Viet ton win what if I told you that I was a communist spy how did you become this the sympathizer streaming April 14th on Max subscription required welcome to the Afterparty a tsf network podcast a mixtape of purposeful encouraging and fun content from across all our shows who are part of our podcast Network I'm Heather cook head of advertising and Partnerships and I'm Mandy Hernandez the project manager we are glad you are tuning in today friends today's episode is from The Unexpected podcast with one of our dear friends Hannah love and it's called faith family and career with her husband Shay Mooney this episode is all about Hannah and Shay how they dive into some awesome ways to began the New Year not only as a married couple but also as parents how to balance family career takeaways from 2023 and we discuss the busy year ahead it's a good one y'all so enjoy welcome to unexpected with Hannah love it's a New Year babe it's a new year I thought I'd put a poll out last night uh probably did it a little too late um we didn't have as many answer or questions as I'd like to but I've got a healthy list of things we can run through um but we are going into the year and I actually wanted to do an episode where we sat down with a fam um but as we know Branson didn't happen this year um not yet anyway weather and illness struck so um instead of sitting down with a fan bam I am going to sit down just with you talk about stuff for the New Year talk about family talk about um stuff that we do and practice in our lives and just uh healthy way to kick off our year in our marriage um and our family so that's what we're going to be talking about today that's what we're going to be talking about hopefully this mic is working yeah found this mic uh we've got a real hodg Podge things set up going on here but I think it's working I'm looking audio being recorded that's promising but I digress I'm using a lot of new words digress is one of them that's fancy yeah the first time I've used it this year okay yeah we've got about an hour before we have to pick up aser from school so let's get going we're going to get right in and I think what you just mentioned while ago is a good place to start um cuz I think as couples you know a lot of people ask us how do you guys juggle everything at once and you know we've got tour coming up all these things at once how do we prioritize our marriage our family time and all that and I think you touched on it while ago but uh one thing that we got to do um a couple weeks ago or whenever it was that we sat down we try to do this every year and kind of have a husband and wife wife meeting together that's a lot this is the first year we've done it we've had good intentions years past but this is the first year that we actually sat down and um wrote it down we've had we've had the discussions in years past and we wrote it down we we basically sat down and did goals for the year but more than goals we kind of did these listening prayers and just said Holy Spirit what do you want from us this year what do you want in our marriage um I think you've got your note book there you can share a few of the I mean we wrote it down so you've got the exact questions that we we ask and we just did some listing prayers and listen for what we felt like holy spirit was saying to us um for each of us and for our marriage and for our kids in the new year yeah I don't know what I wrote down in there or the questions but I think the main goal is that I'd like to talk about okay is how important you think it is to do this to sit down and to actually you know plan out your goals and ask God like all right what is what is this year supposed to look like and I think that is like dive into that as far as like you know why it's important to do that and to sit down while I try to open this notebook that is leather bound okay boled do you want me to hold your mic or you got it I think I got it we're going to see okay um no that's so important and I think writing it down is important too sorry that I'm made you do that um my handwriting is not that good but you know the stats prove that things are statistically more likely to come to fruition if you put pen to paper and write them down and so that's why this year I was like let's write them down and that way at the end of the year we can come back and see um if we adhered to what we felt like we were supposed to be putting first in the year um and what God is calling us to if we did good or if we didn't do good or um or or if we got to see his uh his hand working uh I did this on December 22nd so this was right before um Christmas but going into the new year I did write down a lot of my goals uh for this what is now this year um and some of those were less time on my phone more communication with Hannah read my Bible and or a book for at least 20 minutes every morning and night uh main goal is to lead our home in 2024 um and that's been a big thing for me is just leading um and making sure that I'm the one that's kind of leading the charge in all these things um but that's kind of what I wrote down but I'm also looking I wrote down for a few days actually of the year I'm not good at journaling but I try but this one's pretty if you want to hear an excert an excerpt excert are you going to read me an excert yeah this is a pretty good one uh this was December 23rd sitting by the fire with Hannah she's looking extra spicy today she's she's most fun when she has a bit of an attitude boys are playing in the playroom Hannah is looking at Facebook market place at everything from mini Lux cabinets to Polaris Rangers there is even a military truck in there as I real as I write this I realize how horrible my handwriting has gotten wow and my goals for that day where patience slow to anger read 20 minutes and talk to Hannah more that's what I wrote down there yeah you know it doesn't always have to be something that is uh groundbreaking groundbreaking but I do think that um you know writing something down and having a goal in mind is very important I agree with that and just thoughts cuz I know like reading that back that's very funny to read that was what was on my mind that day you were looking extra spicy apparently hilarious um but I think uh also one of the biggest things for me to come and I know that we're kind of all over the place here as far as what we're talking about because I think you have that written down actually there but um I see it here uh my main goal uh for 2024 and these were just some things that we wrote down uh of asking God what what do you want for our marriage in 2024 um and some of the things you wrote down we lighting the way for our boys uh into dark into the darkness leading with light um and I think that my main word this is two words but is slow down yeah that was your word for the year that was my word for the year and you know as we come up upon 2024 and all that that holds already it's a little daunting to even look at the schedule it's pretty overwhelming it's very overwhelming because we've got you know the tour coming up at the end of February for me and I know it's like this for you I often get very overwhelmed with looking at the schedule we're not schedule people we're not schedule people we live by the schedule um but one of the fun things that we say around here is that um like we just go by what we're told kind of which is terrible but um especially when you do what you do in an industry like this a lot of things are mapped out a year two years in advance even um routing is already mapped out you've got teams of people who have planned all of these dates um I usually don't know where you are day today I usually don't know where I am when I'm there so I think it gets really overwhelming for people who are not type a um to know that ahead of time you your days are already planned and advanced for you um especially when you're a seven on the indogram so you love fun and like excitement and you love having something to look forward to but when it turns into something that you feel like you need to do it's not necessar it's a job it's not necessarily like you know amusement parks every weekend yeah and mostly I think at this point in our life for you the sad part is missing home and missing family um when you are gone which and the healthier that our relationship has gotten and just our relationship with Home and this now being very opposite of what it used to be as far as me coming home to rest when I was on the road it was like that's almost I don't want to say it was my happy place but it was my Escape um but now that being very opposite being in a very healthy place of like when I'm when I'm away from home for like a couple days I start to really resent whatever it is that is taking me away from home and I think that that's a very normal thing but I you know my goal is to really take things slower in every aspect of not looking too far ahead cuz you'll never be able to live in the future cuz when tomorrow gets here it'll be today you know and you can never live in those moments you can look forward to them but taking each moment as they come not stressing about that you know that is what I struggle with the most and it's not bad to look forward to things you know because that's part of my personality is you know Finding you know little moments of like I can't wait to do that but it's also about really managing those expectations and feeling like okay but right now is really amazing and like just enjoying those moments as they come rather than looking forward to them and there's two sides of that coin to there's looking forward to stuff and there's also dreading stuff which I can get that's my biggest stressor I think is looking ahead and being like H I got to fly to LA or I got to you know do these things that I really don't want to go do and it may not even be the thing itself but it's just the like the getting there it's the travel it's the whole situation of like going and being away and it's kind of like having homework you know when you like do you remember like school or college and you're like man I've got a paper duw Tuesday and if I could just get that paper done but then you have another paper on Thursday and it just kind of like in your brain you just never have like you start to stack these papers up mentally and they just it's like having a to-do list a mile high on your desk that you're like I don't even know where to begin with this to start to process it and I think that that is really just the only way to and I've been doing a lot better with it um as far as not really stressing about things that we have in the future I mean there was so many anxieties especially on like the last tour we did where I mean besides just the overbearing obvious elephant in the room of having Co around you know and that being just a thing and we were kind of the first to go out and do it and there was just there was always something with that that was always like they were one of like a very few like a handful of people that went out during that time yeah that actually finished I mean it was something like you know there was 50 tours that were supposed to go out and we were one of nine that actually finished it crazy which is wild but there was always something with that to like stress about but in the midst of that you know Dan and I have talked you know very in depth about this about how like you know we were not in a healthy place and we it it was the tour was just us like trying to get by yeah which was which is sad now to look back on but it was just like everything was coming out us so fast that it was like you know in our personal lives in our relationship with each other all on all accounts it was just like everybody was just kind of holding on well when you're on a roller coaster and the moment picks up all you can do is hold on until the thing slows down right yeah we were just not that was our life that was that was the feeling of just not being in control and and what what made me sad was that tour was so incredible and I just remember that last show that we had like walking off stage and like being pretty bummed out even though it was like one of the best shows we've ever played you know and it was like I I hate that for us but that's also like you have to that's life regret that's that's life and now I'm just very thankful that we have this opportunity now to go out and to do it again and to go into it and both of us are in a really good place and so that is like I'm very excited about that well I think not to cut you off but I just wanted to tie in that a lot of people actually ask about boundaries um and about balance balance is the right word um just in balancing tour marriage um God like all of the I mean they're all like you know big parts of our Lives that's what that's that's what our whole lives revolve around so the balance of how do you do that and be healthy and I think we've lived through a couple of years a lot of years of doing it not so healthy um and then we've been really candid over the last couple of years about some of the stuff that we've gone through in our marriage and that was like personal life mixed with your schedule and like career life um so if y'all didn't catch those there's a one episode and a two episode and last time was about your health journey and how that's really bled into to um where we are now and the fact that we're even sitting down talking about oh we prayed through um our new year and we're going to listen to what God wants for our new year and these are the things that we're going to try to apply to bring balance to all aspects of life um so I'm really proud of you for that and I'm proud of us for all the work that we've done I'm proud of us as well not to plug us but not to PL not to plug us but to plug consistency consistency and discipline and discipline I think that like I mean the biggest thing probably that I've learned through all of this is learning obviously having consistency in your life you know no matter what that is even if it's something small like all right I'm going to get up at this certain time or I'm going to put down my phone at this time like whatever it is it just having those those boundaries and it's like boundaries probably isn't even the word for what I'm talking about here specifically it's really more like making sure that you have those routines set in place like all right this is going to happen every day like little things that we do like I go to the gym every day we both go to the gym and it's like it's a little thing but it's it's an hour of our day and I know that every single day no matter what even if I don't feel like it like that's where we're going right and I think setting those things in place that are kind of anchors throughout your day and throughout your week it just starts your it changes the whole routine of what what you're going to do for the next you know six days of your week and making sure that those little things are things that are healthy and will benefit you not only you but your family because going to the gym I mean it's it's a blessing that we're able to go and that we're healthy and but our kids are seeing that our boys are seeing that they're seeing Daddy get stronger and you're doing this because not only is it helping you physically and it's going to help you be here and around longer for the kids but you're setting that example up and there's also crazy stats about like a boy's life and like how much long longer a man will live based on the physical health of his father yeah um and and so those feel like small choices to get up and work out one hour a day but you are impacting the life of all of us you're you're impacting the way that you lead us the way that you're showing discipline and the way that our boys are going to see you living your life and that's the model that they have to go by yeah I mean I just you know I've been reading a bunch of I I don't want to say I'm reading a bunch of books but he's reading a really important book now lot of books tell him what book you're reading right now um I'm reading up I'm reading a a book by Dr James doson which um we love Dr doson I've you know grew up listening to like adventures and odyssey and which he created um but I just a a really great you know has a lot of great books about parenting and fathers in particular uh and the impact that they have on the home uh and obviously there's all different kinds of there's so many you know single mom single dads there's there's all kinds of variations of you know how you raise a child and you know not knocking on you know any of those that can be done you know in a healthy way but absolutely looking at you know the impacts that that fathers have on on their kids is wild I mean there was a stat in there that he was talking about and the book is called raising Bo raising up boys raising up boys and it was talking about a big um promotion where they went to into prisons and they let for Mother's Day they did this promotion and it was like you can write a letter to your mom for free and we'll send it out and the whole deal and they had like and don't quote me on the numbers here but I think it was like 200 and something thousand inmates that sent letters to their mom and it was a huge success uh the main point and it was such a success they had to go back and get more letters they had to go back to the factory and get more cards and and all these things and it was just a big success and so they were like let's let's do a repeat of this on Father's Day this would be amazing and not one single inmate sent a card to their dad uh and it was and it's just the statistics just you know line up with that with all different kinds of things of if a boy doesn't have a dad to look up to there are all kinds of Father fig or father figure doesn't have that in his life you know there are there are consequences that show themselves throughout history you know you can just look at you know the history of the world and since they've been collecting statistics it just lines up you know when the father's not in the home and it's just a and it just all that to be said it really showed me of you know our boys are watching me very closely and it you know a couple years ago this would have been a very overwhelming thought because it was like it's not fair you know and I was just in this very feel and sorry for myself kind of mentality of like you know I was just not in a good place um but now that I'm you know looking back and moving forward and I've really been pushing myself and you know to be a better father and I think the main thing that I had to ask myself is is you know what do I want for our children you know and what kind of future do I want for them and what am i showing them because they're obviously listening to us but the main thing for fathers out there like they're watching us yeah period it's not like 90% of the stuff and I'm throwing that that is not a correct that's not a real stat but it's like just to say a lot of percentage of the things that they learn are not just you telling them stuff they're just simply watching you and I I have watched that good and bad play out in our kids lives I watch it in Asher and I watch it in Ames and like when I was in a much healthier place and some of the you know with with ases and I see some of the things that he is he deals with much healthier than than Asher even does because Asher didn't see me doing that you know and handling it and obviously I'm dealing with the repercussions of that and moving forward we've been really been working on that you know with Asher and stuff but it's just it's crazy how much they learn through just your behavior and the way that you react to things and that was a very sober thought to me moving forward of just like what do I want them to learn because if I want them to learn this then I have to do it myself and so that was just a kind of kick in the pants of like I've got to I have to do these things if I really want this future for my boys right and so that's been the biggest Factor cuz you know obviously you know I had this career to look after and that I really you know I do respect that you know and I I I know that I've been given something that not no one has you know being able to have a career and get to do it with one of my best friends in the world and get to do that is incredible you know and I'm very thankful for it but when you start to dive into trying to really be a healthy dad and being there it's like everything else takes a backseat right you know and it's like but I also think that you know for the boys like I really want them to see as well like you know working hard and chasing after your dream that is also important and so I also want to make sure that I am putting priority on my career and my relationship with Dan and all these things making sure that that is also at the Forefront of like hey this is also this is very important to Dad and working hard is is important and showing up and doing the things that you were you know that you said that you do is very important and that's what I'm I'm really proud that like Dan and I have gotten to this place where like you know we both have a common goal we might not agree on everything but we have a common goal and we love what we get to do and and working through all that I know that like Asher and Ames and Abram they're going to see that even if it's further on down the line of of I'm really proud of the work that Dan and I put in you know to be able to continue doing this band in a really healthy way and in a bigger way like I'm very proud of that yes you know because you should you know you don't I I feel like as I was getting to a healthier place it was kind of like oh yeah like this is the band doesn't M I was trying to tell myself like the band doesn't matter because I you know I've got I've got my family and all these things and like that is that is true to a sense of like that my family is the most important thing but I think it is also very important to show your kids like also hard work you know and doing these things and having a career is important to Daddy for this reason you know and I think that it's important to show uh them that i' also work hard in that you know well I feel like this is probably a good place to say this is an encouragement um maybe to the Millennials out there I saw that again I don't know the number but it was it like really struck me that there were there were some researchers that went out and said that Millennials Millennial dads are more handson than any other generation MH um than any past generation of dads and honestly yeah like that if You' asked me this a couple of years ago I might have been like no way because that was just where we were um but across the board I can see the work that you've done but I can also see the work that parents our age are doing and I don't know if that's just an a general um more of an awareness that we have now of like the impact that we have on our kids like we're all becoming parents or have been parents for a while and we're doing the work and ourselves um but I'm just really kind of Blown Away at that statistic I mean that's every generation in the past that we have on record right that yeah you guys are becoming more Hands-On um and I also think that that plays into like how much the workforce has changed yeah um people can they don't have to be denied to find job 925 job I don't know I think there's a lot of things that go into that but I think the overall awareness that I think one of the things one of probably the main things that's like a contributing factor would be this generation like our generation and the generation kind of behind us it's really hard to not see a a bigger scope than our parents did just because I mean social media and there's good and bad things that come from that but I think that there's like this realization of like man the world's nuts you know it's it's crazy it's crazy out there like you never know what's going to happen tomorrow and I think that being aware of more things at once that's one good thing that comes from that is kind of this realization of like okay I have to get this together and I have to put my priorities like where they really you know lie because you have and and also I I credit our parents as well cuz I think that you know we always say this quote of you know your your ceiling is your child's floor and I think that you know some of the work that like I think about my dad um I have an amazing relationship with my dad but I'm I spend way more time with my boys I get to and that is a very unique situation like I I have the I am so lucky to get to do something that like I love every single day but my dad loved you know construction he you know grew up he has a construction company and I did that all growing up and he and I spent a lot of time with him it wasn't that I didn't spend time with him but he worked a lot and he was gone a lot and I think that you I he he was not able to spend as much time at home as I get to which is obviously such a blessing but I think that what I learned from that was my work ethic you know and like and working hard and seeing him do that and see him treat people right you know in that space and like and be very respected in that Community he has a lot of regrets of like I wish that I if I could go back I wish I could do this but you he wouldn't have been able to do that I mean we wouldn't I wouldn't have had the opportunities that I had to be able to come to Nashville and all these things of like right you want you want more for your kids than you had for yourself right that's every parent and I think that that you know us being in this position and a lot of us in our generation is credit to the hard work that our parents put in and so I don't want to say that they just didn't realize it then there just wasn't really the option to be home more you know and but I just think that you know there there is a sense of that of the realization of the bigger picture being able to be seen a little bit easier nowadays with social media and all the craziness but along with that comes just a myriad of other problem you realize that to an extent you're competing with the world for the ear of your child yeah it's your voice vers versus you know the world's voice and right now we live in this bubble where our kids are small and and they only hear what we say to them and um the people that we allow them to be around and the the school system that we allow them to be you know in and those are all choices that we make specifically and we have to pray about because let's be honest the church and the school and all of these outside entities are just supplementation of what they should be getting it home from us first because if we don't fill them with the truth and with um knowing who they are and reiterating that then when they get out in the world it's what so many adults face today every day even us we're grown and if we let it the world's voice can become so loud yeah that we get lost we get confused we get distracted and we forget who we are and what God says about us yeah like it's deafening if you just step foot outside and by outside I mean like open up your phone and start scrolling you can lay there for four hours a night I've done it and you kind of come out of it and you're like whoa yeah it's it's crazy and so for this brief window of time we have have the honor and the privilege of getting to mold and shape our children according to like what God asked us to at least that's that's what we're trying to do hey it's Kaye quo for Price Line ready to go to your happy place for a happy price well why didn't you say so just download The Price Line app right now and save up to 60% on hotels so whether it's cousin Kevin's kazoo concert in Kansas City go Kevin or Becky's Bachelorette bash in Bermuda you never have to miss a trip ever again so download The Price Line app today your savings are waiting go to your happy place for a happy price go to your happy price price line I think the biggest thing for me is like you know Finding peace that's why I think that you know having being in a healthy Place ourself we can genuinely say like I you know obviously our kids are going to go through their own search for the truth they're going to go out there and they're you know everybody does you know that you have this moment in your life where it's like yeah this is what your parents said right but now I'm going to figure it out for myself yeah this is I'm GNA I got to figure that out for myself I was always that way yeah um and but now something that I can really say with conviction is like I've I've been in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and experien of these things but I've never you know you can you can believe in God or you can not believe in God that you know there's people out there who obviously have their own beliefs on everything but there's something that I could could never deny when it came to God where I was like I will never find peace like that true peace true peace and I've tried everything I've tried alcohol I've tried you know all these things where it's just like you try to quiet the noise of your head and it's like I've never had peace like this than just being in a healthy place and having a relationship with God there's no other replacement for me and it's like if you don't believe me like try try it yourself you can knock it and say that's crazy and you're you're Wild for even believing in God but it's like I don't care there to lose yeah what do you got to lose it's kind of like you know Jesus Revolution you you see this whole generation of kids that are searching and you know there's all these psychedelic drugs and they're just like trying to find something and and that was kind of how GES Jesus Revolution was born because because because people were asking questions they want to know they wanted that piece and they were chasing it in all these different ways um and these things sound like crazy sometimes in our that's what like it does but history repeats itself and so here we are and I feel like we could be on the brink of another revolution of an Awakening of this generation because I don't know in the history if there's ever been a generation that's been more lost and more inundated with the noise of the world yeah which is a great transition into what you know another thing on our list that we talked about was noise yeah and and what we mean by noise is like anything that distracts you distractions and there's just so many distractions and that's another it I mean distractions they can they can be disguised as good things but if those things are taking the place of God things you like you just might need to rep prioritize yeah and there's all kinds of things that like you know I'm I'm trying to implement this year in my life at some point and a lot of them have to do with just like my phone yeah of just like this smile like it just it steals so many of my hours the day that I'm just like man what a great tool but also what a dangerous tool that we have it's like we're sitting here recording a podcast and recording a video that people are going to watch on their phones you know it's like there it's such a fine line of you know of healthy information and ways that people can get better but there's also in the midst of that there's just so much crap and it's like I don't know I I I sometimes you know feel guilty because it's like you know I'm I'm I'm contributing to that of what people are like probably being distracted by but at least it's like it's truth and I know that it's stuff that well the world Chang my life everything right so the the bit that we can do like the part we can play can be just like putting out there real truth which isn't my truth and it's not your truth no it's the only truth I just here's the thing I think with this year there there's just so much crazy stuff going on in the world and it's it's wild but you know all of us you and I do not have all the answers you know but I think that sharing things that have personally impacted us which everything we've talked about today is things that have we have seen have changed our life I mean my life completely changed a couple years ago you know and it's why like I stopped drinking and that was not really even my intention to be like I'm going to go fully sober yeah but here I am like I've had like you know a couple glasses of want in the last two years yeah it's it's coming up on two years this summer which is just just like amazing just flies by but it's not like you know I wasn't even trying to do that but I just found that getting rid of that distraction getting rid of that thing in my life what it what that bread were so many good things and it was just I don't know I think that it's really important for you know people though to hear kind of our story and what we've been through because you know we're all we're just trying to lead a healthy life and find peace and find truth and we want to be really I think the biggest thing for me is you want to find peace in the moments cuz I think that everyone's like oh we can do this and you get these things in place and we could start this and we could do this company and we can start this business which we can get excited about I mean the moies we'll get fired up we're dreamers and I think that making sure that and all that stuff is fine I think it's a blast like you know you and I have talked about wanting to renovate a house for fun like do these things that are you know not only just like Investments but we think would be really fun sure but there's also this there's also the flip side yeah of the time of the time well and this is my I think my thing for the year is God is really calling me to like come deeper but also wisdom like that just keeps popping out to me and I just want to make sure that everything I do I I do it with a with wise choices and with discernment um and even like the house thing I think you know we could do it and if you want to like write a pros and cons list it's like we have the resources but do we have the capacity like we could we literally could do it but what would that cost us in terms of our time what would that cost us in terms of like our stress levels with like making more decisions when we already have a loaded year you know like is that the wise choice when we have three littles yeah and like shorttime with them so it's just that stopping and asking that that's major for me in the last couple of years has just been stopping to say hey I should pray about this I should ask Holy Spirit like yes or no and like the more you work that muscle the easier it is to hear that voice of like maybe that's not maybe that's a weight right now like not a no just like a pause I mean we've got some going to stand by for the hurricane that's coming outside one thing I do want to ask you or I do want you to talk about before I fly yes before you fly away is I have a lot of um women who ask about relationships ask about husbands um and one thing I'm so thankful for you for is your transparency um and you've been really honest and vulnerable I I think for a lot of men that can be hard to be vulnerable about things that um that paint you and not the greatest light but but you've done that and um I think you've changed lives and I think you will change lives because of doing that but I've had a lot of women that ask like how do you make your husband lead the house you know and that's not a i I couldn't make you do anything and if you go back and you listen to parts of our story like I truly had to come to a place where I gave that and you yeah to God and you had to make that choice but I think a lot of women want to know what can they do to Spur their husbands on because hypothetically their husbands are working hard they're working N9 to five jobs they're coming home they're tired they don't have energy to play with their kids they don't want to be nagged about taking out the trash and doing the work that you know the moms like they don't have the energy to do that that outdoor you know what I mean yeah no 100% I mean I think there's a pretty easy answer to it I think how do you get there is my question I I think you get there by you get there by yourself for one thing yeah that take that with a grain of salt I mean you would you would have never you wouldn't have been able to right get me there convince me uh to be a better leader or to get my life together nothing I could have said there's nothing that you could have said or done I had to come to that place and I think that there's obviously like you know there was a couple times where I was just like I really felt like dang I'm I'm not doing a good job and that was like I could tell because you know you you didn't tell me in words but like I you know I knew I was not doing a good job and I think that that you know that weighs heavy on a dad and but it's just really hard because I you know you would just hope that obviously their you know wife would be prayer is a big one because I think you know I have a Praying mama and a Praying Wife and I know that that influenced it um because that you know ultimately I I had to hit this rock bottle moment to be like I can't I can't continue on this path because I know where it leads I've been going on it for a long time now and I had to get to this place where it was like choose like either go this way and you know I don't want to use heavy words like divorce or like you know these things that are scary but it's like that's where that leads I know where that's going like would you say that you would write a pros and cons list and say what's the most important thing to you in the world like what what do you value more than anything yeah I think if the wife did that it's a little like no no no no no I'm not saying a wife I'm saying for husbands oh yeah I'm like if if they honestly sat down with themselves wrote out a list and looked at it and then said now what has to change to make that a reality for sure and I and I think that there's you know it's really tough to say for like you know different situations with different people you know I think for me like you never gave me necessarily an ultimatum but I knew that there was one in place you know what I'm saying if after time it was like you can't I knew it was an ultimum it was it was the reality of if you keep living this way I will continue to distance to distance myself from you I just the ultimatum being I knew what the I knew what the result would be and it would just be furthering us like not being close right there would just be more problems I just I knew where that road LED you know it's like I didn't want that and and I feel like most husbands they don't you know it I I can't speak for all husbands but I just know that like there's a point where it's like you start asking yourself really hard questions of like what am I doing you know like can I I don't want to I don't want to keep doing this and feeling like garbage and knowing that like when my wife is ticked off of me knowing that she's it's warranted you know what I mean like you can tell yourself you can feel sorry for yourself for like a while but you get to this place where you just kind of feel like crap and you're just like I'm this it only goes one of two ways I either like go and I can live this life and be an immature like you know with no good decision making and like just continue down that path you can go that way or you're going to need to make some changes and I think that that was you know kind of where I got to where was just like I know where this road is leading like I I can't keep doing this and keep feeling this like having no peace and kind of turning to you know Al I don't want to say that I was an alcoholic but I I think that that was like one of the things that I Ed to like cope to cope yeah you know and it's like it was also in a time when it's like our tour got ripped out from us there was like a lot of there's a lot going on you know it's like you know I also try not to like Harbor guilt toward myself and like resentment toward that side of me but there you know that was just that's how I felt at the time and it was just like I had the decision to make whether or not to just like I could stay that way and feel sorry for myself and go down that road or I had I knew I knew what I had to do to change right and it started for me with just my physical like all right I know that you know me drinking and turning to these things I know that that's not helping that's making it significantly worse I can't sleep I my anxiety is through the roof I'm having panic attacks it's like all right let's maybe try not doing that you know and I pulled that away and putting discipline in my life and replacing the things that were not helping with things that helped and it was like I think that is kind of the biggest thing for people trying to look you know make a change and ultimately I'm trying to answer your question as far as what wives can do but I think that someone when they want to make a change they think okay I'm going to do this and then everything will just you know be okay with the world no it's like losing weight it's yeah it has to be very incremental and and if you think of it like this this like kind of changed the way that I thought about really everything you're either going One Direction or you're going the other and I don't mean that like off I mean just like you're either getting better or you're not and there's not like there's no you're either consistently getting better and it whatever happens in between there like I screwed up and you know ate the wrong thing for a couple night like but it was like I was going this way and that was it like we're it's only up from here like I'm going to work out I'm going to get my life together and it was just sure there were variations but once you have those disciplines in place and you're going the right direction it could be 1% better if you get 1% better every day you're getting better you know it's not a complicated thing where it's like just get a little bit better make make make this decision make one right decision you're going to make some other ones in you know it you know that are not so good but the difference in that is like my life before was like one bad decision after another and even even when I did one good decision you're going this way you're going up well you verbalized to me one time that um that it was a little it was overwhelming to you like the weight of it of of changing of doing better of even um because for me we had that conversation of I didn't go into this wanting to be the leader of our family right yeah and and so for you and I just kept clinging more and more to the Lord and to the word and like leaning on that and I think it made you a little resentful and also you told me that it it made you feel overwhelmed like you couldn't live up to that and so you didn't want to yeah um and I've talked to other people and they and they say gosh that really like that resonated yeah um cuz it's a it's a it's a tall order right to look at where you're at and then to see where you want to be and you're just like for a lot of guys it's like well I can't do that she doing great she's doing fine so let's just let her do that yeah and and it just becomes this overwhelming thing where you just like rather than fail at that too right I'm going to just give up because I think guys especially men can can get to that place where it's like well if if she thinks I'm a piece of garbage I might as well really be a piece give it a run you know I I think that's like obviously not healthy but I just think a lot of guys feel that way where it's like you know you get to this place where it's like well these are unrealistic expectations that you're putting on me and so I'm just going to go the opposite direction of where you want me to go and I think that you know it's really tough because if I wouldn't have decided it for myself I don't think there's anything that you could have said to change my mind until I got to that place where like I was on the up and up and I was like okay how can I get better then I can ask you what are some things that I can do that would you know help our relationship and communication and it's all those things at that point your wife can you can be you know drop drop your pride and be like all right how can how can I get my wife to once you once you start viewing your wife as your helpmate and your partner and the person that you signed up to literally do life with instead of the person that's trying to attack you or put you down because I think even in the early days part of it was Pride right I can say that honestly so everything that I would say even if it was coming from a place of Love felt like an attack yeah um yeah because you're you're embarrassed and I think men they want to be the leaders they do well and that's how God designed it and and God if we want to talk about this for a minute God also designed um women to submit to their husbands and the way I look at that is the woman stands next to her husband does you know Eve came from the rib of Adam we came from the side We Stand By Your Side and we become one um but you are the head and you do lead the family and I was I have like a line written in my phone right now for an episode just about husbands and their choices that they make and Naturally by default whatever choices you're making leads our family you not drinking makes me not drink not that I was ever a drinker so whatever your choices are they're they're going to bleed down into your wife so that's why I'm saying even like that's how God designed it you are leading us with every choice that you make and the desire I think of every woman heart is to have a husband who leads the family yeah I mean that was the desire of my heart and then I faced a time a year ago where I had to apologize to you and be like hey I'm sorry because I haven't even given you the space to do that yeah I also know um that what the word tells us and what God's heart is for marriage ultimately is supposed to point us closer to him in that relationship we the body of Christ we are the the bride of Christ and he is the groomsman and he will come for us and so the the what's the word I'm looking for the um yes the institution of marriage is meant to reflect that yeah and to teach us to go deeper and it's sanctifying you sharpen me you cover the places in me where I'm weak and I cover the places in you where you're weak and I think that now in our healthier place we can see that now without feeling attacked and so now when you come to me and you verbalize something instead of getting defensive about it I understand that you're just covering a place in me that you see needs work yeah right and you've become so much better at that too like I can point something out to you and you're like I'm sorry I'll do better yeah which is like crazy if you told me that two years ago I'd been like no that's not my husband yeah well just I mean life just gets better too you know it's like I think that you know watching over the last seven years you know our relationship and all the hardships that we've had to go through it's just there's something so incredible and something incredibly rewarding about working hard on your marriage and really like putting in the work yeah and now it's like I look back at all like the fights and the whatever like that we went through and it's just like what a what a fun Journey you know what I me I mean it feels like it's Su at the time hundred years yeah but you know it really sucked at the time but it's like now it's just like I don't know I have a life partner we've been through some stuff together you know what I mean it's like I think about the same you know with Dan it's like we went through some stuff together but now like being on the other side of it like what a black and how much deeper that connection is and like how how much healthier it is to like have have fought and won the Battle of ourselves you know what I mean where it's like that's hard work to like admit when you've done something wrong or like work on something that makes you feel gross because we're all prideful and we all think like oh I didn't I didn't do anything you know it's like well you did and you might not have even meant to do it like that is marriage like that is being like all right I didn't mean to do that but when you start to look back on it it's just like it doesn't matter if you meant to do it like you made that person feel a certain type of way right and that was that's and that's wrong I think the most beautiful part to me is that our kids especially Asher is old enough now to like really see us and I'm just really thankful that even though he saw a lot and and not a lot but like he he saw the unhealthy version of us um I don't think he'll remember a lot of that and am and Abram you know like they they're coming into it they goty in better time days we're not we're not perfect by any means but but just the willingness I think to work on hard things and not to run um we're set we're doing it for as much for us as for our kids we're setting them up so that they know like again our our ceiling is their floor I think to to wrap a lot of this stuff up I think that it's really important you know for people that are looking to maybe have a better marriage or just whether it might be you know physical like you want to get healthier mentally physically spiritually whatever it is I think that the danger of you know trying like because we'll go through these things of like you know in the New Year like I'm going to have a New Year's resolution and I I think that resolutions it's not that they're necessarily bad but like they're always pretty unrealistic expectations that we put on ourselves not always right but I think that some people are like all right I'm going to I'm going to do this or I'm going to I'm going to not drink all January and I'm not going to do these things and it's like sure that's like cool and healthy but like what do you what do you want you need to ask yourself like what do you want what is the end goal like do you want to feel better do you want to cut down on your alcohol or you want to cut down on these things it's like you the way that I truly made a change it was not cuz I've done a million times I've done like the whole 30 or the whole things it's like so you want to lose weight for 30 days then do the Whole 30 if you want to not drink for 30 days don't drink for 30 days but if you want to make a change and you're like I'm going to I'm going to do this you just you make the life change and you say all right I'm GNA give myself six months to do these things and to change my my my attitude about this I'm going to change my habits and if you do that for six months you might not keep all those things like if you're trying to stop drinking like maybe you don't stop drinking forever but if you give yourself six months you're going to have you're going to have an answer of like whether it makes you feel better or not also be a long enough time that you're like I don't really want to go back to that cuz that was a lot of work six months is a good marker to like to do anything and not that you need to put those parameters on like I'm going to be a good husband for six months you know I think the point that I'm trying to get across is that if you want to make a change you don't need to put like 6 months if you need a number is a good marker right because then you can kind of by the time you get there a lot of those things you've a lot of The Kinks get worked out right but I just think that you just have to start was going to be my original point of just you have to start with something start with something small if you're trying to lose weight if you want to kick off with a Whole 30 or whatever it is like so be it but like have plans after that like have six months planned after that of like this is going to be my Kickstart whatever it is it's going to jump start you want to know the Bible more read one page a day like something attainable something you something very attainable like you want to work out go do literally just anything go do something go walk go whatever and then like that'll Lead You Down that path of discipline because once you can do something consistently it doesn't really matter what it is like you're going to see a change in yourself I think for me too the more important point isn't even like what do I want for the new year it's like God what do you want for me yeah for sure yeah and I think that's why it was important that this year we sat down together um and of course we ask God separately our word or what you want from each of us but also we ask like what do you want from our marriage this year like what do you want to see in us what do you want from this partnership that's really what it is like what do you want what it is and and it's also it's it's not even about us right like the year's not even about us if we're living for him if we're living for the kingdom then like we need to be asking what more can we do because I want to go to heaven one day and be like well done you did everything I sat before you to do that's what I want yeah and so I love that we started the year that way I think anyone could do that we're still like in the first couple of weeks of January it's going get so well we're gonna do it um I love that we started that way and I love that we intentionally asked um about each of our boys too because what's beautiful about it is each of us got like the same response like in our hearts in our Spirits about what what we need to pray and how we need to pray for each of our boys individually and that's like a guide for the year of how we want to pray over our boys specifically for them and how we know that God wants us to pray for them and I'm excited to do that and then to see the fruit of that so that's an encouragement for Mary couples to begin their year um and really quickly I think we've answered a lot of these so I'm just going to read off a couple and say what we have hit said do y'all set New Year's goals yes we do we do we did this year we'll see where that gets us we'll read those back at the end of the year see how it worked um two versus three kids I mean I don't want to to get into a long thing here I think I pulled a lot of people while pregnant with Abram so at that point you know we were already committed yes but I pulled a lot of people about the one to two children versus two versus three and I heard I heard from most moms that 2 to three is nothing compared to the one: two cuz one: two really blows your mind yeah you're doubling it you're doubling it if you think about it in numbers yeah more is your you're actually doubling it and then a third one is just that's 33% 33% that's no big deal just welcome to the party yeah and a four honestly I mean 25% that's nothing another baby's on here but I feel like someone's missing like I don't want to stress you out but in God's time whatever God wants I don't care but I just feel like someone along the line you know we'll see yeah I just got my baby weighed off oh wow and so we'll talk about that okay so um okay I think we've touched on this but how do how do we make marriage a priority while Shay is touring I think I can safely say on my end that that's where a lot of my stress has come from in the last few weeks cuz I just mentally know that's what we're gearing up for um it's important for me on my end to make sure that our boys have routine at home and that it feels normal uh because our life is anything but normal so for me it's like school um I don't I'm not going to jam-pack their schedules with like camps and like stuff to fill every hour I'm not I'm like come home be children we're still in our precious like baby years Asher's growing out of it but I'm I'm cherishing that time and I'm not going to rush it I'm just not that's what I can do for them at home yes we'll go out and see your shows that are close to home or close to here or look fun but no we don't travel every weekend I just I don't want want to it's actually a lot of work for me yeah I think people were like man you like do you must like the boys come out all the time and it's like I'm like my go the biggest thing you go see one show you've seen all the shows you've seen all the shows you've seen it you know and it's like you and not that you don't enjoy it like I love you honey but I'm good you've been seeing you've seen already like 10 rehearsals as well and so it's like for your kids it's a lot to go out is their bedtime when you even go on and I'm like what a night for me you know some people can do it and I think it's great I think it's awesome um and I think when Asher gets a little older and even right now when if he's out of school I'll take him and I'll H pop on the bus oh and the boys love the bus they love we actually take the bus to Arkansas in the summer just cuz it's it's a good time but also I think it's also a nice break like when we get in that routine and we're doing it well I think it's nice cuz you can like cuz I don't have a normal job I'm not leaving during the day like when I'm here I'm just here all day but then it's like not that we get sick you need a little time to but then for me I also have to Gear Up To Have and someone ask if we have help absolutely uh we don't have family here which is maybe the hardest part um but we do have someone that is just like family to us um she's our nany but I just call her family and we love her to death and our world could not carry on without her um but that's that's it I mean when there's only one of me here and we need to drive for school pickups and um and babies here napping like there just has to be more than one bodies um in the house um and even for my mental sake I have to get out and like walk or work out like I just I need I need that and so I'm really really thankful that we do have help we're really blessed in that um I'm sad that we don't have grandparents that live nearby so we can like send them to you know Grammy and Papas or n and pops but but that's we're rambling now we are but that's make it work people ask so I was just people ask okay um how have you found other Godly couples to do life with yeah we will let you know when we find those people no I we actually Shay has a Bible study group and I have one and they're totally separate and they're totally different like mine's for women his is for men totally different thing um that's one thing that I think that right now in this season of our life we're living in a bubble we just don't have the capacity I have obviously to have like some of my friends that are very close that I see like as much as I possibly can yeah but in all reality and that's like I mean just being fully transparent like right now trying to get together with other families is really really hard it's really hard because and it's and I don't regret that at all I feel like right now we're in this season that like we're just we're raising our boys and we're having fun here and we'll go we go do things like birthday parties and things but like as far as a regular like we're not antis coming over like n we just it it's actually quite hard um even like in this industry a everyone is moving and shuffling around like to even catch people um in the industry like in our sphere of like people we know that do the same things it's like you know ships Crossing in the night that you even get to see them have good intentions have great intentions you know like people like let's get let's get the kids together and it's like yeah for sure and it's like well that that night doesn't work and they're like oh yeah yeah we'll get together and then 6 months goes by and you haven't talked to that person it's the the way I see it the season of life that we're in we're living in a bubble and the true friends the OG friends the ones they get it and you might talk to them once every 3 months and it's fine because they're they just love you they're your friend it just be like that sometimes okay the very last thing I want to say is people ask about dating and friendships and the one thing I will say that is super super important even though it's not like we have a raging friend life right now um I'm totally okay with that cuz I'd rather invest my time in our kids but um the people that you keep around you is so important yeah like the keep the the people in our lives they like I would rather I say this all the time but I would rather have four quarters over a 100 pennies any day I would rather have four solid friendships four people that I can call in the middle of the night and ask them to get on their knees and pray and I know they're going to do that I would rather have a handful of people like that in my life that I could trust my children to um and just and have that and be secure in that and be like well you have to know that you become what is it the five people that are around you or the four people that are around you yeah like the median you Med become the people that you the most around the most that that you spend the most time with and it's like yeah you know it's like I there was times in my life where I was like no wonder I was not killing it you know and I think that that is just important if there is a nice way to be like maybe you could like limit your time with you know sure so and so sure I'm afraid to like call an imaginary name cuz someone out there is going to be Nam that you know I'm really thankful again babe that you sat down with me today at we were supposed to have like a deep dive Family Talk I was really going to get into some topics um but this was the most unprepared we barely got this set up again you can probably tell we're not planners just by this interview um but I did want to sit down and I'm thankful that you're always willing to sit and be vulnerable and share um and again if you haven't caught the first episode and the second episode um Shaya start at the beginning of how we met um the first few years of our marriage and then the second part is really your health Journey where that begin um and this just an update this is an update this is this is just part three and we'll probably have four or five or something down the road I don't know okay it was a lot of fun to be able to sit down with you I love you you here's to getting 1% better in whatever we do every day onwards and upwards 2024 it's going to be a great year let's go all right party people if you're interested in hearing more from Hannah and Her show just look up unexpected with Hannah love in your favorite podcast listening app and hit that follow button for more episodes and while you're at it make sure to click follow on the Afterparty feed so you don't miss an episode join us back here tomorrow for another episode bye [Music]