my parents have been together 35 years now and uh they got together very young actually my mom was well my mom was young my mom was 16 and my dad was 24 there was an eight 8ye age Gap and now my mom's got to an age where she's starting to lie about her age she's starting to take two or three years off it and some women do this trying to make themselves out to be younger than they are and my dad had to take it to one side he went listen love um you you you can't do this uh you know I'm on dodgy territory as it is and uh you take through years off your life I'm going to get a phone call off of Jimmy savle police like I don't need it you know my mom will be in a mood with my dad if he did something to annoy her in her dreams in her dreams he'll wake up already in trouble just blinking awake she be sat over him all right think you're funny do you what what they do run around on the elephant with Robbie Williams and that blonde yeah well I cared all the shoing with me one arm and me flipper what are you want about why do people do it why did they tell you the dreams your brother does it all the time oh G I had a dream last night you were there but it w you and uh like it were at your house but it w your house I think I don't even give a [ __ ] about your real life if I'm honest I don't mind the stuff you made up in your sleep she's terrible at technology as well she'll text you like in the middle of the day ring me all in capitals like ring me and you ring her back straight away don't you cuz your mom and you love her you want to know what's going on ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring welcome to the O2 voicemail I think well how can that have happened we she just had it in her hand I've seen her move she don't move that fast the only explanation is she's gone ring me send you go I'll do his heading for half an hour that I'm sure that's what they live for sometimes and they do do me eding but I keep them around cuz they're good with the kids and oh they are they are good I've got uh got three little girls who's who's got who's got kids give us a Cher if you got kids yeah some is there is anyone I've got twins has anyone got twins few of you there you got twins there yeah lovely how old are your twins five lovely man are four so we're you're at the same age as roughly the same age as me where you started to hate people with one kid haven't you you got to that point yeah you see him in the Park oh there we SP hand yeah oh God piece of P it's hard is it why are children getting up so early and why is no scientist trying to fix that [ __ ] that's what's doing my Ed that's the one question I ask myself every morning quar pass takes daddy daddy daddy look it's quarter past 6 I don't love you till 88 all right I mean 8:00 a.m. not not the age of you r that the ass four more years you get a cuddle no why are we getting up so early my kids are like old people they get up theread early go downstairs and fall asleep on the couch I think what are you doing you have no business at this hour you have no jobs You' have no errands You' have no opportunities to do anything at this time no friends no appointments you've no business at halfast 6 in the morning being awake if the kids knew the shitty hours we had to keep for the rest of our lives you have 5-year-olds go he just wakes up at half 7 with a cup of C D takes it out you all that playing it yeah I've started to hate the sound of Bird song bird song the most beautiful Majestic noise in all of Nature and when it starts every morning I think to myself shut your little beaky mouths you Fey bastards or I will poison the trees I hate you so much and don't let me put you off bu way don't let me put you on there are some brilliant things about being a parent a't there that's one person yeah there is like you'll back me up parents is there a greater sound on this Earth than the sound of another parent losing it in the supermarket it's brilliant is it it's minding your own business right how about enough yes you have we're going home my love it love it and don't get me wrong that's not me reveling in someone else's Misfortune I don't like the fact that they're struggling what that noise confirms what it means to all the other parents in the supermarket is that it's not only us who don't know what they're doing it's not only us who are winging it every day and of course you're winging it don't worry about it some people are so hard on themselves why is my child not crawling yet he's one why is he not talking properly yet why is my kid struggling with a gcses why I can't my daughter drive yet why is my son in prison whatever it is it's not always your fault that's all I'm saying I have a very simple rule that I live by if I get to the end of the day and they're all still alive I think nice one well done me because that is hard enough as it is sometimes is it like I'm going to jump off here Daddy can I play with these knives I put my finger in a plug these little suicidal bipolar midgets wrecking your house and then you're out on yourself come on now come on it's hard enough as it is without you giving yourself stick the smacking thing is weird though isn't it don't you think it's weird I I see I never got smacked as a kid so it seems like an odd thing to introduce to my children like these little creatures that look a bit like me who love me more than anything in the world with the big Disney princess eyes just to sort of slip it in the day do you know what I mean that seems odd I'm massive compared to them it seems weird to do that I realized that's not when you do it like I realized it's cuz you're in the middle of an argument or they've been naughty or you're stopping them from doing something like I know it's not not just cuz you're bored you like oh it's now on tell we she go smack the kids like I know it's more serious than that and when I say I didn't get smacked as a kid don't get me wrong there was always a threat of violence my parents weren't hippies they we're just going to talk to Jason see if we can talk him out of being naughty like that never happened my dad used to work long hours you know he'd work all day and then he'd come home and give you bollock and then go do his second job in the evening that was it and my mom would use that she would use that against you you know this mystery figure you know every s often you'd be messing around fighting with your brothers you just appear at the door like a phantom you you wait till your dad gets [Music] home well is it going to be any scarier than that devil voice she just scared I just had a poo in me pants just so you know you wait till your father comes through that door when he's on night some I like to go to bed in the meantime cuz I'm only six and I would wait all morning waiting for me dad's key to enter the loot just so could get down there given the full defense before the prosecution waited in but you never got down there before your mom cuz she slept in the hallway with her eyes open just waitting for him can't stop that and she be telling him everything you get to the bottom step too late you're like oh you [ __ ] grass and then my dad was amazing he wouldn't even tell you off he wouldn't even tort you for about an hour every time you w near him he would just stare at your soul through your skull and breathe really loudly out of his nose with rage I'm sorry Daddy I'm still allowed to live here ter e