The Sam Hart Years

foreign [Music] good evening thank you for once again accompanying me on this journey this evening I'm going to order discuss the Sentinel heart ears I wasn't old enough to really see how my mother was with her other husbands but I knew does she love Sam Hart and 18 as if her fantasy of our dream of having a family with him like she wanted was coming true I think sometimes particularly for narcissists the beautiful things that she built with their hands often times she destroyed with her feet and I think that she just never turned two quiet and peace with other people around she needed drama and turmoil and because of that I'm the polar opposite I don't like drama I don't I don't like turmoil um I enjoy watching telenovelas I don't want to live one and so she loved having her life like that all right argument that just were senseless she was always strong-willed but there's a slight difference between who she was while she was with sand and before sand and who she became after Sam she still had all the same qualities as she has now she's never been easy but she did try to be a just person and she had more of a conscience then because if she felt that she had done someone wrong it may take a couple days but she'd come around and admit her error and ask for forgiveness this late stage iteration of her she says forgive me only to be smart she doesn't say it um in a genuine sense of the word I remember we would go shopping and we'd have to rely on because it was of the utmost importance to her that he was served a hot meal after working all day she would wait until the car pulled up the driveway to fix his plate and put it on the table is the key is turning the door now foreign leave the paper in the dining room which we only use for a special occasions and sit down to his hot dinner it was mandatory that everyone sat at the dinner table and discussed our day I don't know where fell apart because Hayden like me he tolerated me um for her sake and I don't know whether he was faithful or not the only thing I know is that he went to work he came home right after work on time he put his check in my mother's hand no money was missing uh no vacation days that weren't expected were used so I don't know again unless he is cheating during his lunch break I don't know where he'd have time to do all of this cheating and I guess because of that she began to think that he was cheating with someone at the job now she didn't tell me this I learned this later um we're reading the divorce decree it seems that once she got it in her mind that he was cheating with someone at the job she started calling not This Woman's home she started calling the company harassing this woman yelling uh so that everyone could hear her if there were parties that they would go to she would show out and make a scene she begin instead of having discussions she was always a yeller she was always a fighter and I don't know if I mentioned in previous chapters that enter youth she was an extremely violent person so um now she likes to say well no one no one has ever told me that and I'm like I bet they did because if it was something that really wasn't important to them why are they going to have to fight you to tell you a truth that's going to serve you if you don't want to hear it that's on you so I'm sure there were a lot of truths that she wasn't told simply because people didn't want to get into a fist fight with her or worse thank you she then started um there was this um married woman and I mean all the women in my neighborhood were married so um except for one neighbor the process tree she was divorced I believe everybody else in the neighborhood I grew up and they were married families um she started accusing this woman harm ing it and then it started going down the list and the same family member now I don't know if she said this or that family member's face but the same family member that she in later years would accuse of sleeping with Nick she was telling me that that woman was sleeping with sin so now the arguments are becoming more frequent she is waging a gorilla Warfare type style of argument and in that I mean she would if he went if they were having an argument in the kitchen and he wanted to let it cool down a minute and go he'd go to the family room she'd follow him to the family room and get up all on the man if the man got up went to the dining room she went to the dining room if he went to the bathroom she went to the bathroom everyone upstairs she went upstairs with this I I dare you to put your hands on me so I can send you to jail because she knew the power that she had in playing victim and calling the police particularly calling the police on the black man and she always played that to her advantage now I think now that I'm talking about it I think what may have become a contributing factor to her unraveling a little bit was the fact that the men got involved in politics and so that allowed him some connections uh with other people that then was able to sort of in a sense come back to her trump card that she always tried to have and use and play um it took some of its power away and my mother is not a materialistic person for the sake of materials but she is in the sense of power she uses everything for power and Leverage anything that you do for her you're never to speak up because to do so would mean you didn't do it clean good heart but she can name for you alphabetically and numerically all the things that she has done for any human alive and she does I don't know if she does it to them but I know because that's all she'll sit and talk about what she's done for this one what she's done for that and what she's done for the other so the marriage started going south I begged her to go back to school because she never had a chance to go to college or go to high school she finished high school as a matter of fact in my town and I begged her to go to college the mortgage at that time is lower than any apartment that I've ever had to pay for in my life it was so low that it's sickening she could not find a job and if I'm not mistaken so I don't want to get the exact number wrong but I'm going to say it was less than this but I'm going to say it was less than six hundred dollars a month now use that for frame of reference less than six hundred dollars a month and she could manage that on her own that is why she lost the house that I grew up in because when they divorced she had no plan she just let her anger rule her and because she was ill-prepared she didn't sit and look at the differences between her in his previous wife his previous wife was college educated she had her a very good job and at the time that he divorced his previous wife they had minor children that were nowhere near the age of 18. I was 18. when they got divorced and she was nasty to me because I was around and she could take all her anger out on me and when she wasn't taking her anger out on me she was playing Betty Wright morning noon and night and drinking Christian Brothers and when she was playing video she was playing it one saw over and over and over again as far as the stereo would allow it to be played and I am a Betty Wright fan and I think I am just to the point where I can almost hear the song pain again of course when she tells the story she tells the story of how I want it to live on campus and because I wanted to live on campus and wouldn't stay living at home she lost her home because it's never her fault if you listen carefully to any story she tells you're never going to hear her say I messed up it was my mistake the only time that she'll say that she has made a mistake it's loving too hard giving too much trusting too much on doing too much it's never in a true sense of this occurred in life and it was my mistake I messed that up to hear her tell it she has single-handedly no she does give God credit she and God have single-handedly brought her to the life that she's come to live put the food in her mouth giving her the money in her bank account to allow her to be comfy now I cannot speak on what she did before I was born or before I had the use of reason but she worked at a record Making Place she worked at a uh and what I mean by record like vinyl records um she worked at and that was like six months or so six months to a year she worked at Arc she worked for the New Jersey foster parents Association and if I'm missing another one God forgive me but those are three jobs the mortgage has to be paid every month and she has had not one but two homes you can feel I am not Sam Hart's fan again that man just tolerated me and Ethan not being his fan I have to give credit that is working hard my mother's frugalness and my mother's experience with as she would say squeezing the Buffalo off a nipple allowed me to have a comfortable life that I had allowed me to have the education that I had um and you have to be grateful and you have to give credit where credit is due you can't sit and talk about the negatives without giving what the positives were I was never a Nick fan but I didn't have to be that was her husband but I know he worked hard I know that that allowed her to have another home later in life um right not too long after she divorced Sam um and she's been a foster parent that's not a job because the stipends is to be used to care for the children so that's not income I try to live my life with gratitude and I try to as I said before be thankful for what people have done because people don't have to do anything for you and I don't think she's going to see that I think she will leave this earth being the victim being bitter and angry because I transitioned and deprived her of her grandchildren that she feels she was old bitter that her cousins came up north and left her down set foreign that she didn't have the family that she thought she should have [Music]