[Music] karoga shark [Music] media from the national Constitution Center in Philadelphia home of tonight's debate this is ballot that's right and man I hope we keyword stuffed that episode title enough welcome new listeners let's hit this all right folks buckle up for the political circus that's about to hit Philadelphia it's debate time and we've got all the juicy details for you for all you SEO Surfers who went for my clickbait the debate is at 9:00 p.m. Eastern on ABC thanks for the download don't worry there'll be two commercial break so you can refill your popcorn and grab another drink you're going to need it now where's this showdown happening at the national Constitution Center in Philly yeah that's right they're going to argue about who should run the country in a place dedicated to the document they're both probably going to ignore irony anyone but who's brave enough to referee this match none other than ABC David mure and lindsy Davis these poor souls are first timers for a general election debate but hey they've survived primary debates mure even managed to interview Trump after he became president without spontaneously combusting so that's something want to watch this train wreck tune in to ABC or if you're one of those cord cutting Millennials you can stream it on ABC News live Disney Plus or Hulu hell they're even simoc casting it on other networks it's like they want everyone to witness this spectacle now here's where it gets spicy after weeks of bickering like toddlers they finally agreed on the rules Harris's team wanted hot mics probably hoping Trump would pull a crazy moment live on air but Trump's Camp insisted on the exact same terms as his June debate with Biden you know the one where they treated the candidates like unruly Toddlers and put them on mute now get this Trump in a rare moment of doesn't matter to me Zen said he'd prefer the mics on but his team went n we good it's like when your mom says you can have ice cream but your dad's already promised you broccoli Harris's team eventually caved faster than a sand castle at high tide they wrote to ABC practically sobbing that their star prosecutor would be fundamentally disadvantaged by not being able to interrupt Trump mid-sentence because nothing says presidential material like constantly talking over your opponent right actually I take that back I think you can become president by talking over your opponent but wait there's more the debate's going to be as quiet as a library on a Sunday morning no live audience that's right folks no canned laughter no awkward Applause no drunk uncle in the back yelling you tell him Donald it's just going to be Harris Trump and the sound of America collectively face palming Jimmy Fallon joked ABC will Air the Trump Harris debate while Fox News will just reair the one with Biden Steven colar joked to figure out who gets which Podium and which one goes was first or last they flipped a coin and Trump won the coin toss thank God otherwise we'd have to listen to months of coin denial so how have both sides been getting ready for tonight's debate in one corner we have kamla Harris Hol Up in a historic Pittsburgh Hotel probably surrounded by more policy papers than a government printing office she's treating this debate like it's the SATs cramming every possible two-minute answer into her brain I hear she's even hired Philipe Rey to play Trump poor guy I hope they're paying him Hazard pay for that gig meanwhile in the other Corner we have Donald Trump who's approaching this debate with all the preparation of a guy who shows up to a potluck with a bag of chips he bought at the gas station on the way over his strategy feel it out because nothing says presidential like winging it on National Television Harris is over there with her team probably color coding flashcards and practicing her I'm speaking face in the mirror meanwhile Trump's idea of PR is watching Harris's convention speech from his Vegas hotel suite I guess what happens in Vegas becomes debate strategy and let's talk about these prep teams Harris has got Hillary Clinton giving her tips because nothing says Fresh Approach like advice from the last person who lost to Trump right Trump's got Matt Gates and Tulsi Gabbert in his corner it's like he's assembling The Avengers if the Avengers were well Matt Gates tulsy Gabbert and Herby the robot Trump's team is worried he might come across as too aggressive you think they're telling him to be happy Trump instead of mean bully Trump because apparently those are the only two settings on the Trump a meter Harris is trying to paint Trump as a rich guy who only cares about other Rich guys bold strategy Harris I'm sure no one's ever thought of that before thanks Hillary and let's not forget the moderation drama Trump's got beef with ABC News especially George Stephanopoulos whom he's nicknamed sload opoulos I got to hand it to Trump his nickname game is still strong kamla Harris's team is apparently throwing a fit worthy of a toddler denied a second scoop of ice cream over debate rules they inherited from Biden they're worried she'll be handcuffed by these rules because nothing says I'm ready to lead the Free World like complaining about the debate equivalent of mom said it's my turn on the Xbox let's break this down shall we Harris's team thinks she's a stronger debater than Biden wow wait to set the bar High they're particularly miffed about the muted microphone rule apparently they think this will shield Donald Trump from direct exchanges with the vice president because we all know how well Trump handles being directly confronted right he's famous for his calm measured responses to criticism Harris's team fought hard to change these rules but ended up having to accept them begrudgingly I can just picture them stomping their feet and holding their breath until they turn blue very presidential meanwhile Trump Trum in a move that probably shocked even his own team said he'd be fine with unmuted mics it's like he's daring Harris to engage in a verbal cage match bold strategy cotton let's see if it pays off for him Trump's quoting Mike Tyson about getting punched in the face I guess that's one way to prepare for a debate though I'm pretty sure the Secret Service might have something to say if it comes to that well folks it looks like we've stumbled into the manliest of manly controversy since the great real men don't eat kiche debate of 1982 that's right we're talking about straw gate 2024 Jesse Waters Fox News resident expert on all things masculine because nothing says tough guy like a prime time cable news slot has blown the lid off Tim walls' shocking lack of testosterone the man used a straw to drink a milkshake I know I know try to contain your gasps of horror according to Waters this is why women don't love walls because as we all know nothing gets the ladies going like a man who can chug a milkshake without the aid of cylindrical plastic it's basically the modern equivalent of slaying a woolly mammoth but wait there's more it wasn't just any milkshake it was a vanilla ice cream shake the audacity the tan suit of Milkshakes real men as we all know only consume milkshakes made from the tears of their vanquished enemies preferably served in a hollowed out Bulls horn now some might say this is is ridiculous that perhaps we should focus on oh I don't know actual policy issues but those people clearly don't understand the vital importance of milkshake consumption techniques in determining the leader of the Free World so what's a real man to do when faced with a milkshake well you have two options one unhinge your jaw like a snake and swallow it whole or shoot it with your gun and catch the droplets in your mouth because nothing says presidential material like wasting perfectly good dairy products in a display of firearm prowess in the end we can only hope that walls learns from this Grievous error maybe he can redeem himself by arm wrestling a bear while reciting the Constitution or perhaps he could prove his masculinity by oh I don't know focusing on actual issues that affect the American people portions of today's program were made with the help of AI but even the AI couldn't make up a story as stupid as the milkshake