The Handmaid's Tale Chapter 46

foreign part 15 Knight chapter 46 I sit in my room at the window waiting and my lap is a handful of crumpled Stars this could be the last time I have to wait but I don't know what I'm waiting for what are you waiting for they used to say that meant hurry up no answer was expected for what are you waiting is a different question and I have no answer for that one either yet it isn't waiting exactly it's more like a form of suspension without suspense at last there is no time I am in disgrace which is the opposite of Grace ought to feel worse about it but I feel Serene at peace pervaded with indifference don't let the bastards ground you down I repeat this to myself but it conveys nothing you might as well say don't let there be air or don't be I suppose you could say that there's nobody in the garden I wonder if it will rain outside the light is fading it's reddish already soon it will be dark right now it's darker that didn't take long there are a number of things I could do I could set far to the house for instance I could bundle up some of my clothes and the sheets and strike my one hidden match if it didn't catch that would be that but if it did they would at least be an event a signal of some kind of Mark my accent a few Flames easily put out in the meantime I could let loose clouds of smoke and die by Suffocation I could tear my bed sheet into strips and twist it into a rope of sorts and tie one end to the long end of my bed and try to break the window which is shatter proof actually go to the commander fall on the floor my hair diseveled as they say grab him around the knees confess weep implore no light to miss started cabora dorum I could say not a prayer I visualize his shoes black will shine impenetrable keeping their own counsel and said I could noose the bed sheet around my neck hook myself up in the closet throw my weight forward choke myself off I could hide behind the door wait until she comes hobbled along the hall burned whatever sentence Penance punishment jump out at her knock her down kick her sharply and accurately in the head to put her out of her misery and myself as well to put her out of our misery it would save time I could walk at a steady Pace down the stairs and out the front door and along the street trying to look as if I knew where I was going and see how far I could get red is so visible I could go to Nick's room over the garage as we have done before I could wonder whether or not he would let me in Give Me Shelter now that the need is real I consider these things idly each one of them seems the same size as all the others not one seems preferable fatigue is here in my body in my legs and eyes that is what gets you in the end faith is only a word embroidered I look out the Dusk and think about it being winter the snow falling gently effortlessly covering everything in soft Crystal The Mist Of Moonlight before a rain blurring the outlines obliterating in color freezing to death is painless they say after the first chill you lie back in the snow like an angel made by children and go to sleep behind me I feel her presence my ancestrous my double turning in midair under the chandelier in her costume of stars and Feathers a bird stopped in Flight a woman made into Angel waiting to be found by me this time how could I have believed I was alone in here there were always two of us get it over she says I'm tired of this melodrama I'm tired of keeping silent there's no one you can protect your life has value to no one I want it finished as I'm standing up I hear the black van I hear it before I see it blended with the Twilight it appears out of its own sound like a solidification a clodding of the night it turns into the driveway stops I can just make out the white eye the two Wings the paint must be phosphorescent two men detach themselves from the shape of it come up the front steps ring the bell I hear the bell toll ding dong like the ghosts of Cosmetics womans down in the hall worse is coming then I've been wasting my time I should have taken things into my own hands while I had the chance I should have stolen a knife from the kitchen found some way to do the sewing scissors they were the garden shears the knitting needles the world is full of weapons if you're looking for them I should have paid attention but it's too late to think about that now already their feet are on the dusty rose carpeting of the stairs a heavy muted tread pulse in the forehead my backs to the window I expected stranger but it's Nick who pushes open the door flicks on the light I can't place that unless he's one of them there was always that possibility Nick the private eye dirty work is done by dirty people you I think I opened my mouth to say it but he comes over close to me Whispers it's all right it's Mayday go with them he calls me by my real name why should this mean anything then I say I see the two men standing behind him the overhead light in the hallway making skulls with their heads you must be crazy my suspicion hover is in the air above him a dark angel warning me away I can almost see it why shouldn't he know about Mayday all the eyes must know about it they'll have squeezed it crushed it twisted out of enough bodies enough Mouse by now trust me he says which in itself has never been a Talisman carries no guarantee but I snatch at it this offer it's all I'm left with one in front one behind they escort me down the stairs the pace is leisurely the lights are on despite the fear how ordinary it is from here I can see the clock it's no time in particular Nick is no longer with us he may have gone down the back stairs not wishing to be seen Serena Joyce stands in the hallway under the mirror looking up incredulous the commander is behind her the sitting room door is open his hair is very gray he looks worried and helpless but already withdrawing from me distancing himself whatever else I am to him I am also at this point a disaster no doubt they've been having a fight about me no doubt she's been giving him hell I still have it in me to feel sorry for him moita is right I am a wimp what has she done says Serena Joy she wasn't the one who called them then whatever she had in store for me it was more private we can't say ma'am says the one in front of me sorry I need to see your authorization says the commander you have a warrant I could scream now cling to the banister relinquish dignity I could stop them at least for a moment if they're real they'll stay if not they'll run away leaving me here not that we need one sir but all is in order such as the first one again violation of State secrets the commander puts his hand to his head what have I been saying unto whom and which one of his enemies has found out possibly he will be a security risk now I am above him looking down he is shrinking there have already been purges among them there will be more Serena Joy goes white she says after all he did for you Cora and Rita president from the kitchen core has begun to cry I was her hope I failed her now she will always be childless the van waits in the driveway its double door stand open the two of them one on either side now take me by my elbows to help me in whether whether this is my end or a new beginning I have no way of knowing I have given myself over into the hands of strangers because it can't be helped and so I step up into the darkness within or else the light and that is the end