Gutfeld! 8/29/24 - Greg Gutfeld FULL END SHOW | BREAKING NEWS TODAY Aug 29, 2024

[Music] [Applause] very good very good very very yep all right I could see four of you that would be perfect in my van happy Tuesday everyone according to a new report the Harris campaign is asking reporters who they think comma should talk to and already PBS has suggested this hard-hitting journalist meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg admits that the government pressured Facebook to suppress covid-19 content If Only They had suppressed this [Laughter] instead the parents of the dead Trump shooter have hired a top Pittsburgh Law Firm apparently they answered an ad asking if you have ever been injured on a slanted roof doesn't it sound like that students returning to many schools are facing bans on cell phone use during the day making it even harder to arrange time with teachers for sex the concern comes after a study found that the average teenager receives 273 cell phone notifications per day and those are all just from this guy James Carville says a more Humane country would have institutionalized RFK Jr by now well that's rich coming from a guy whose daily breakfast consists of three mice and a side of chipmunks look at him look at him look at him I say Taco Bell is offering its restaurants the option of not serving breakfast meaning beloved menu items like breakfast burritos and crunch wraps May no longer be available it's part of their new plan to prevent people froming themselves before [Laughter] noon the cast of Baywatch reunited this week for the premiere of a new documentary about the show David Hoff and Pamela Anderson didn't show up but the rest United for a group photo at the [Laughter] event and a man who claims to have the world's largest penis says it costs causes him to get dangerously lightheaded when he gets aroused fortunately doctors can Pro [Laughter] [Applause] all [Applause] right oh keep clapping terrible keep clapping all right monologue time this story will make you madder than the view without their morning oats in a letter to the house Judiciary Committee Mark Zuckerberg admits that the Biden White House quote repeatedly pressured Facebook to remove posts that didn't tow the party line during the covid-19 pandemic for example you could be censored for an opinion the White House didn't like perhaps it's something completely crazy like wondering if the Wuhan virus might have come from the Wuhan virus lab I know how could that happen crazy right of course all this was under the guise of curbing misinformation but we knew it was just to shut us up and now Zuck admits that we were right he says quote in 2021 officials from the Biden Administration including the White House repeatedly pressured our teams for months to censor certain covid-19 content including humor and satire he continues I believe the government pressure was wrong I regret that we were not more outspoken and we're ready to push back if something like this happens again yeah right last time I heard a promise that reliable it was when cudow told me there were no cameras in the motel room the same censorship was also applied to Hunter Biden's laptop Zuck also writes quote the FBI warned us about a potential Russian disinfo operation about the Biden family in bisma in the lead up to the 2020 election how clever that fall when we saw a New York Post story reporting on corruption allegations involving Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden's family we sent that story to quote fact Checkers for review and temporarily demoted it it's since been made clear that the reporting was not Russian disinfo and in retrospect we shouldn't have demoted the story we changed our policies and processes to make sure this doesn't happen again yeah and Nancy Pelosi's face is biodegradable this is a huge story The White House pressured a company to censor free speech on behalf of the president's family and that censorship had a direct effect on an election and on people's lives and if you were to disobey you could have lost your job you definitely would have been shamed so mostly everyone obeyed because they didn't want the trouble they were even pressured to censor Jokes which shows you that under that misinformation ruse they were out to capture all dissent not disinformation and now Zuck wished he could have fought back oh really seriously with his money and his Tech he could have grown his own pair of [Applause] balls what a contrast to Elon Musk instead of buckling to political pressure musk took over Twitter and turned it into a wonderful chaotic orgy of free speech while Facebook turned into a graveyard for meatloaf recipe and poems about your aunt's cats with X musk exposed political hoaxes and kept real story like Biden's cognitive decline from getting buried by Bots if musk hadn't bought Twitter you likely never would have seen that iconic photo of trump being shot a photo that Facebook mistakenly censored so as one Tech Titan violated the First Amendment the other one protected it and who does the media hate the guy who's do doing their job for them so think of all the endless mockery directed at people who ended up being right the people denigrated by the cretinous crew with stelter and cuos and lemons and mattow these bird brains called you crazy when you were the canaries in the coal mine think about what they were wrong on that you were right on the border crime Hunter's laptop Joe cility government censorship the lab League trans surgeries for kids Foreign Wars Dei and of course Ben and JLo divorcing and now these asshle say Trump is Banning abortion the econom is fine and our election system is perfect this has Texas just removed a million ineligible or dead people from voter roles it's these same jackasses who are currently telling us that kamla is too smart for Words her words yeah which is why she didn't say any so now Zuck apologizes great but the government won't neither will the media which is why when Trump wins and he better he needs to investigate the corruption the collusion follow the money and the lies CU When Trump said the media is the enemy of the people it spooked them and this is what they did and now they're terrified so can you imagine what they're going to do next perod is let's welcome tonight's guest she made her Mark with Decades of snark host of Kennedy Saves the World podcast Kennedy he puts the fun in ticket refund writer and Joe writer and comedian Joe deito I'm out of breath he looks like the guy who would smoke a cigarette at his own funeral comedian Jim [Applause] Floren and they call him the goat cuz he has so many kids New York Times best-selling author commedian inform Kennedy you know I was reading this and I realized that the White House warned Facebook of the laptop story as disinformation before it came out which then compelled Facebook to suppress it that's insane ly brilliant hey we're just going to let you know this big story is going to break about Joe's kid it's Russian disinformation so you better want to ban it is that's that's nuts I mean this whole story is insane but it just goes to show you what the climate was like in 2020 but also you know there's been so much reporting since then and they've asked voters would this have changed your vote if you knew that that story was real and a lot of people in a lot of critical States said absolutely yes it would I don't trust mark because he does the same time the same thing every time he goes before Congress which like oh we're really sorry and we're going to do better next time if we had known then what we know now it's like my kids so I know how guilty they are based on how defensive they are so when they acques too much I know there's there's like a meth lab in their bedroom so when I find a smearing off ice bottle cap if I get the Mom it's so I swear to God I know that all there is is a smear-off ice bottle cap but if I get oh you're absolutely right you know I I really should be more thoughtful next time like that's it bring in the DEA because I I know they're cooking up something so I know whatever he's off you skating is so much worse than what he's admitting right now and what he's planning on doing in the future to make sure Trump doesn't get reelected wow so it's actually worse it's worse than I can imagine Joe much like your set I mean your comedy set not your glorious pecs um do you agree with Kennedy that there's worse things to come I I don't know I think it's strange how Mark Zuckerberg acts like you know we'll do better next time there's a pandemic during an election yes okay when is that scheduled for is that coming up that and he acts like hey I you know my hands were tied well who else we were supposed to talk to at Facebook we supposed to talk to Tom from Myspace is that who was going to clear this things up and this this was very serious I mean this was like like Kennedy said people could have changed their votes and they should have had the opportunity to see that and it's not just about Hunter Biden running around with his pants off this is about him spling influence from being the president's son or the vice president at the time to make money and and then you move into what they did with Co it wasn't enough that they didn't let you you talk about it you had to be humiliated and blocked and they had to say oh itin horse medicine are you a horse are you a horse it's like you say like go we take penicillin are you a cow are you a it's like yeah humans and animals take a lot of the same medicine as they work they give Ivermectin to women who are 9 months pregnant that's how low in side effects it is and it still piss when you bring that up it's Chris Cuomo still pisses me off for for what he said about Rogan and then like basically denying it and then he took it yeah and then he took and then you saw what the media did with Joe Rogan when they had to show the CNN showed the picture of him tinted green like he was incredible Hulk like he must be sick from all the horse do warmer he's a lot healthier than any of you people are yeah how ironic that Ivor mechum turned Chris Cuomo into an ass a horse's ass really lean Jim um you seem like the type who goes on Facebook late at night looks up old ex-girlfriend friends puts their name in finds out what they're doing you look for the ones that are really down on their luck yeah I always look cuz if they put the relationship status complicated I'm like I got a shot now no I've been off Facebook for like 10 years ever since one of my good friends didn't talk to me for like three months because he poked me and I didn't poke him back I'm like I'm done with this aren aren't you kind of pissed off cuz you're in the entertainment business that people tell you that you're wrong on a lot of these things but you've been Vindicated we knew this was going on and now it's like they act like oh like we were mocked on every one of these issues and we've been Vindicated it always comes out three years later that's about three years later the truth comes out the laptop this and Zuckerberg's a liar they just like he said they they sensor to Trump a photo like a month ago oh sorry we thought it was AI or whatever so he's still going to do it he a liar you want sens of stuff sensor people posting pictures of their food on Facebook I've had enough of that I don't care about your cob salad yeah what is that why do people Fe feel compelled to do that to take a picture of their food as if look what's going into my stomach soon it will be feces right they should they should take a picture side by side of the food going in and then after it's done before and after before and after that should be the the Tik Tock challenge don't show me your food show me your poop and then we'll talk not that I'm into that Tyrus I'm not no not at all no no no don't send me your pictures of poop at PO Box 1316 College Station Texas I don't know why I said that we know why aren't you a bit pissed off by this I'm not this part no because uh the part that upsets me is the willingness to abuse people who supported us MH the willingness to allow AI characters of me telling old ladies to send them money right but if I wrote oh man I agree with President Trump on that it would be blocked and they continue to do it and they continue to do it now and even when I don't even have a Facebook page and I can tell you from my standup shows we have a phone I get more calls from people who bought fake tickets have been or more women or there I had a son call up and say why is Tyrus not calling my mom back and it was I was just like wait which kid is this and no but but all laughing aside people who can't afford money are being told and they look like I said they could stop this what about the sex trafficking what about people pretending to be you or me to a 13-year-old girl and say hey I have a special concert at my house this weekend here's the address don't tell anybody and people will do that so him and his I'm sorry he's a he knows what it is the storm's coming he wasn't implicit he wasn't being told by the FBI that he was sitting at the table with them going what do you need me to do we're not falling for this apologize for what you going buy all of us a statue how about you cut a check to every person that got robbed talking to fake conservatives why don't you do that show us something but he's not I got I have it's a very good point I I have people pretending to be be me all the time at least that's what I tell the authorities the no but here's the thing just last an AI version of me like an interview I'm doing is saying hey guys this is my new Facebook page send money and this that here I don't have Facebook I left Facebook once the mystery Farm started I'm like I ain't got time for this so again but they're complicit now if it was a liberal who was doing it oh they jump all over it this is a fake account this would do that they purposely want disinformation running through us they want contempt we lose fans they call us up they call us Crooks because it's real to them and me he doesn't care so that's why fake Rachel mat is not returning my calls now yes also fake uh Rachel Madden there wouldn't be a fake no there wouldn't be a fake Rachel Madden they get rid of that like that but there would be a fake Waters and if you're talking the real wat is my sympathies yes all right up next KLA debates herself about prices on the Shelf it's coming your way hey hey it's video of the day he hey thank you I'm going to thank every one of you after the show no I'm not is it time to embarrass the lady named Harris our video of the day is an anti-a campaign ad from Team Trump showing how comma is so dense she can actually lose an argument with herself hit it Merl everyday prices are too high food rent gas back to school clothes that is called biomics a Lo bread cost 50% more today ground beef is up almost 50% there's not much left at the end of the month biomics is working the price of housing has gone up it feels so hard to just be able to get ahead and we are very proud of biomics Joe that's exactly what you have to do yeah because the fact is she is running from her past she's literally running from her past she's running for office and running away from herself do you find yourself doing that sometimes can't run away from your past I I called this I called it they they were going to act like Joe Biden was never president yeah and even so at the DNC when Obama went up and said we can't take four more years of this it's like four more years Trump he's been gone for three and a half years yeah so yeah I would love to see uh KLA debate herself but that you know both sides can't agree on which mic should be turned off so yeah it's um it's pretty crazy because her most popular policies the only one she's hinted at was the the price controls and that everybody freaked out about that her most popular stuff is all rehashing Trump things it's it's the suddenly the border wall fighting crime I mean I wouldn't be surprised if she denies sleeping with Stormy Daniels she's just picking up his back [Applause] she can't can't deny him how can you deny something that magical Jim uh it's kind of interesting that you know she is a a historical vice president she's the first female vice president am I right yeah I think so right yeah I think no he yeah and then she's also the first black uh female vice president and now they're pretending like she doesn't exist it's like they're erasing her history shouldn't not be offensive to all black women who want to be vice president yeah and well look it's good to see her in this ad because you don't see her anywhere else she won't do a press conference she won't do any interviews so it's good to see her face in these ads yes you know be good like if if Trump doesn't want to do the debate in September maybe she could just go up there alone on stage and debate herself of bomic sucks or not yeah she she reminds me of like a sitcom uh twin you know with with play two roles and one has to hide behind a [Laughter] fern the the back of the head looks nothing like the yeah they yeah they do it from the back of that but it's it's incredible that they think that their their voters the public are stupid that's basically what they're saying I was talking to my liberal friend the other day he's like yeah she's going to lower the prices and the groceries I go no she's not that's not going to happen even the Dems in Congress go that's never going to pass so she's running on something that's never going to happen exactly so just tell voters hey I'll give you a free car if you vote for me they'll believe that too she's reporter shopping Tyrus she's actually all yes yeah her new campaign song is ride to the wheels come off cuz the wheels are coming off uh people are bailing faster even their Ace and the whole Zuck is running for the Hills uh she's just the they did this for three and A2 years and now everyone's seeing it and you're starting to see it slowly but surely the and everyone who's distancing that's who you need to pay attention to the ones who are trying to distance themselves from her those are the people that need to talk to reporters then to find out the real story of what's going on because it is sad that you've been talking for three and a half years albeit weirdly you've been talking and the fact that you can't talk now who I don't understand this if I was running for I mean if I was running for a hall monitor of gutfield and someone said to me hey I'll do like I'm the hall monitor you don't tell me I tell you you're the vice president you're number two you're running to be number one who should be telling you anything yeah you should be like I'm running for president bring all the mics let's do this yeah you know like I was crazy also she was picked for this candidacy because she was vice president and now she's claiming AC is crazy there there moments like this when I always think of like I need a hero to come in and save the day like I we need Sergeant Slaughter you know it's his bir no he's want Sergeant Slaughter happy birthday it's his birthday today shout out to he used to call me maggot and he actually discovered me in the WWE but happy birth start but we need like I don't want her to have his chin but he was tough like get some toughness start saying some stuff yes Kennedy tell him thank you for your service do you isn't it weird that their candidates best side is inside like they don't the less you see of her the less you see of her the better like keep her under wraps the Democratic party's two candidates are better served the less you see of them shouldn't that make you rethink your party if the two biggest candidates had to be hidden no one who's running the party wanted her to be the nominee yeah that's why the people running the party Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama are like let's Force Joe out then we'll have this fun reality show that Trump tried to have with his VP candidate and we'll call it like the presidential sweep Stakes instead of the vep stakes and then Josh Shapiro and Tim Walls and every other guy Gavin Newsome can elbow her out of the way and get her out of national politics forever because they didn't have faith that she could do it and Joe Biden on his way out raised the presidential middle finger to Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi and said you know what I'm going to endorse my black VP and if you come out and say anything against it you're racist and misogynistic so that's exactly what he did and that is is why we are stuck with her so yes I do agree with Tyrus the wheels will come off the wagon because at some point everyone in the Press is going to demand a sit down she is going to have to answer for some of these horrible policy positions that she kind of endorses and kind of doesn't because she is essentially running a policy list campaign you know what's going to be funny is when Biden goes on TV going who the hell Endor her yeah all right up next have minorities had enough of anti-racist stuff a story in five [Music] words anti white cracker plagiarizes minorities Tyrus I love this story Robin D'Angelo she's the author of white fragility she is making tons of money basically telling every white person they're racist and forces them to like you know gravel has now been accused of plagiarizing minority scholars in her dissertation which is undermining her credibility as an anti-racist expert what should happen to her well it's always good to have a racist teach you how to be anti-racist like if you want to stop people from robbing a safe you get a a person who used to Rob safes yes so I get it I guess but you know this just goes back to the same thing eventually white people are going to say enough mhm mhm enough you shouldn't have to go to a class to find out if you're racist or not when you're driving roll your windows down and when someone cuts you off if you don't say anything you're not racist okay roll your windows up and then the same person you will be racist for that moment so you know it's in us all but we have this thing called common sense so again White America at some point you have to realize there's more of you than us and stop letting us bully you and I'm not doing it but I'm just saying stop letting people bully you Jim as an avowed and openly proud [Laughter] racist uh look at a stare I'm getting I thought I was [Laughter] alone but she's made Millions off these books uh she does these seminars she speaks like corporations would force the their employees to read these books why do these why do these people always turn out to be malicious grifters they always are yeah and and she's she's stealing from everyone she even stole for some Asian people too yes which reminds me when I was in eth grade I'd sit next to the Asian guy in the math test so I could seal all his answers that's how I got through that's what do you call benevolent racism when it's it's like you're racist but it's complimentary you know yeah cuz I know I'm like I know you're smart [Music] like if I thought he was dumb I wouldn't sit next to him that's racist yeah did you when people wouldn't sit next to you to cheat is that racist that was just because of my gas that I was [Laughter] like Kennedy uh you are you familiar with this [Music] lady I couldn't hear you over Jim's gas um yes unfortunately I am yes so she's like ebam X Kendy like all they do is profit off of white people's desperate desire to not only be black but be accepted by black people and they want to know more black people so they can seem cool because it's the ultimate Flex so they're they're really they're praying on that insecurity and she came up with one phrase like white fragility you know it's like it's like that what you would name a paint sample but all of a sudden like that is a foundation for her entire career yes so now you know she makes millions in speakers fees and books for you know just farting out like Jim Florentine after some Five Alarm Chile the same tropes over and over and over again but really what she did her career is based on this academic Plantation where she was stealing the work without citing it from people of color from blacks and Indians and Asians and and God knows who else uh she beat into submission so she could take their great ideas and sell them to white people that she deemed inferior well put Joe should she yeah should she share this money that she's made with the minorities that she stole from well I knew it was a hustle cuz I was reading it and when she opened up with I was born a poor black child mhm very suspicious look if if you got a good hustle going good for you if morons want to give you their money for you to tell them they're bad people help yourself but if I'm getting race hustled I want to be from someone with some experience maybe an Al Sharpton or Rachel dozol a real person of color who's lived the experience so but I just think it's so funny that the idea that you see who this appeals to and it appeals to a certain kind of leftist white woman who has to make themselves the center of everything so when it's like oh racism racism is bad the history of racism is terrible let me shove my way in the Forefront to show you how guilty I feel and make that the story so I if I'm going to get lectured I'd rather be from a PC and not a POS yes it's like it's the some of my best friends are black move by a Karen and you know whenever someone says some of my best friends are black I say name them and then they're like uh uh well there's the guy at the gym train and it's like know sure it said trainer didn't say trainer you don't know anything coming up will you be hypnotized by moves they [Applause] synchronize we got another CP for you it's video of the day nice you'd be wise to cover your eyes guys our second video of the day comes to us from Democrats doing a synchronized dance to promote an appearance on The Late Show The Late Show which is now like C-SPAN after dark roll it Clive bu a make a big nicee in the street be a [Music] [Laughter] big you know you you guys like that so much let's play it again I'm going to do it again [Music] buddy Street you know that was so much fun let's do it [Applause] again make a big nicee in the street going to be a big something sorry sorry I was going to leave all right you know what's interesting about that Jim if they just went a little bit longer with the hand thing might have been interesting it is a very sexual move they're doing yes it is it's not surprising mayor Pete was the best at it he was like only two I know I'm if Hillary if Hillary would have done that more Bill wouldn't have cheated on her but you know what they made that video and it went viral it was all over the place to promote them being on The Late Show and The Gutfeld show still beats him in ratings and that was all over the place we didn't by the way we beat him and we were on like at 1:00 a.m. you know we had so we had we were sitting around here I had like 12 cups of coffee I still am like I don't know what I did to myself I'm sorry I'm starting to s like you Jim yeah yeah toito uh are you upset that you're not invited to these things oh that is still I've seen Australian break dancers with better moves than [Music] these Pelosi seemed confused uh I think they told her said just just act like when you stuck the knife in Biden's back same same motion yeah and I thought mayor Pete was the worst and I don't think I'd ever his complete lack of musical sensibility I don't think I would ever in my life say to a gay man you need to go see more musical theater to see what this looks like you know what that is can you roll that again can you roll roll no no no no no just that just him you know what he's doing you know what that is you're in the men's room and the the dryer just didn't get your hands dry it's the hair dryer thing Kennedy isn't it funny though Kennedy when celebrities and politicians try hard to convince us that they're having fun yeah they're not fun they're the worst people in the world never listen to anything they say I want a politician who's a kudan who doesn't want to see the sunlight who just wants to look at spreadsheets that's why it's fun not their own image that's why it's fun watching Trump dance because he comes out there he's like okay I'm going to do it because I want to do it but I don't care about you he comes out for the YMCA does this little thing he's like look at him yeah look at that why is that so why is that so funny why is that so funny because everyone behind them is laughing and cheering and doing it with them yeah you don't see anyone around them going but again I was confused I thought it was an instructional video like since they have that Midwestern feel and they're a bunch of old cows they were showing us how to milk them that's what I saw like I just and oh Pete oh like this is their Pro they're so fake they just can't help themselves do it the right way have videos of all of you screaming at your staff for having cold coffee like this is cold and then just keep passing it that's a great you know that's that's a great point that all this fun and joy thing is meant to kind of like obscure the fact that kamla fired 80 or they 92% of but they were using full sentences and [Laughter] speeches I mean how do you lose that many people that's incredible yeah I mean her one of her staffers one of her interns her Democrat Dad wrote an oped saying this woman abused my son she's a horrible person and he donates to Democrats Simone Sanders she came out and she was like oh girl I never want to be around her again but that that's why their dancing looks so bad you're right about how phony they are they literally are dancing like somebody's watching yeah yeah well anyway we shall move on up next could a sport cost Harris support five more words football's violence risks alienating Democrats Tyrus so the nation that's a leftwing rag argues that Harris Waltz campaigns Embrace of football will alienate voters due to its hyper masculinity and violence weren't they just saying they were masculine like a week ago and now they're against masculinity I can't keep up with them isn't Walch Coach of the Year yes he went to the Super Bowl again while while he was he flew from Iraq to Afghanistan to straight to the Super Bowl what people don't know is Bill bellich of the Newland page his headset was directly connected to walls in the building walls made the calls to win the Super Bowl so listen if football's going to hurt her then by all means KLA please distance yourself from football I'm good with that so I can enjoy the games on Sunday without hearing so again they don't like I said they are so ridiculous they hate men that pee standing up I'm fine with it come over here fellas the water's fine did you know that the movie Rudy was based on Waltz yes I just I I I read that somewhere Jim Joe scarbo said recently the Democratic party is now the party of the NFL so they got to make up their minds how was it hyper masculine when you watch a Chiefs game they cut the tail of Swift 50 different times yes that's all they do is appeal to Liberal males yes right they got you know they changed the Washington Redskins name you know a few years ago they got n racism on the sideline on in the hate that yeah I mean it's like you know who we hate that they really were on a limb with that one yes by put that I don't know that was because that's what's going to happen that's how it's going to end yes you know in the history books 100 years from now and go what ended racism in 2024 the NFL just wrote n racism in The End Zone it went away who would have known that's all it took you know if they only knew that in the Civil War they could have saved all those people all they do is appeal to Liberal males they got the stickers in the back of the helmet choose love stop hate yeah as they try to kill each other on the field you know meanwhile like you know half the NFL players got four kids from four different women yeah how about you put a sticker on a back wear a condom how about that Joe you know what sometimes condoms aren around bro that wasn't directed towards you I have four children by four different uteruses sir I said football not wrestling all right you to Joe what do you say h I think it's funny we're talking about hyper masculinity from the people who brought his tampons in the boy room right which one of the worst mly Cru songs by the way T Kennedy close us out with I was hoping during coach Wall's speech at the DNC that he would have giant dancing man tampons like that would have made the whole thing absolutely perfect and the guy who wrote this article for the nation Dave zeren you know it's like I hate masculinity if only I could carry my scrotum around in a little man purse my nutlets would be so cozy he's the same kind of guy who shakes your hand with like doughy fingers and Che on fingernails and sweaty little rounded digits [Music] like so sexy such a turn on I would pay her I would pay her to talk like that all day he literally looks like a turtle pulled out of a shell he really does you look at him and think that's a star quarterback right there yes all right don't go away we'll be right back Kennedy deito Florentine tyus studio audience watch night is next I'm gregford love you America [Music] [Music] [Music] number [Music] [Music] for fore [Music] fore [Music] [Music] foree what say fore [Music] [Music] speee for number for [Music]