Olivia Colman reads a raunchy letter of complaint to Paul Newman

[Applause] [Music] hello hi hi okay okay I'm going to read the thing now dear Paul love your olive oil and vinegar dressing perfect on deli sandwiches in adult motels on lazy weekday afternoons the problem is the bottle there I was a stride my boyfriend king-size bed beneath mirrored ceiling above slowly luxuriously I pulled the shopping bag across the crumpled sheets never taking my eyes from the deliciously drowsy and contented face I pulled out a loaf of French bread and some Rosy slices of roast beef in a manner not dissimilar to that in which I had removed his shirt two hours before I ripped off a goodly chunk of the crusty bread and piled the cool meat against it opened a brand new bottle of Newman's Own and began to pour it on the sandwich when I was suddenly aware of a brightening sheen on my boyfriend's ribs and stomach yes the bottleneck is so wide that the Savory mix of oils and spices had rushed out of the bottle in an uncontrollable torrent soaked clean through the bread and leaked onto my boyfriend's bare skin if you can't narrow your bottleneck could you at least introduce your otherwise finely packaged product one of those plastic doodads that restrict the stream to a sort of blop blop blop it would make things ever so much easier for people in my position I am Faithfully Yours JM San Diego California [Applause]