"Embracing Yourself & Your Expectations" with Kayli Blankenship Scott

[Music] talk to me how you prioritize self-care on your life and what that looks like for you and I think that's taken on even more of a new meaning for you in this last couple of years with all of these Transitions and changes and teaching and getting married and and have having to move so many things and graduating all of this in this last crazy couple of years so um never would self-care ever become more valuable so talk to me about that yeah I think as I was kind of thinking about these things I was like where did I initially think about selfcare and I feel like the biggest thing that you see is like kind of in movies and TV shows and when you see people are you know having a bubble bath like a glass of wine or a face mask and so to me I feel like a lot of times that's what I thought self-care was it's like taking a bubble bath which get me wrong and I'm going to talk about this on things that but I I do love that time but I think just learning that it's not always about caring for your physical body but obviously so it's deeper and the layers that you have and caring for your mental health and your emotional health and your spiritual health and so I think I've been learning so much about what self-care really is and that it can look different you know at different times of your life but also just to reach all the different needs that you have yeah and so you know sometimes I do want to have the bubble bath and I do need to just sit and you know kind of just have aone time but I also have learned and my dad has taught me a lot about active rest oh I like that I love that term that that is his term and I tell you he used to tell me and I was like please stop talking about this like I don't get it and I'm starting to understand what he means by it yeah because you know it's easy when life is really busy and it is really busy for me I feel like I'm used to it being really busy that you know sometimes things can feel like a burden like oh I have to you know have dinner with my friends tonight and you know instead of saying like I have to do something it's like I get to do something that's always another thing that he says yeah and um you know obviously having dinner with your friends is not something that should feel like a burden but sometimes when you're so busy it's like oh man just really wish I could stay home tonight and just relax and so I've been learning that I can actively rest and I can be away from the home and I can still feel very much grounded and at peace especially you know with the certain people yeah in your that you spend the time with sure and so just kind of learning that aspect of what self-care can look like and you know it can be with other people and having those conversations and I'm such an external processor so sometimes I need to just get it out and I don't want someone to try to fix it for me I just want to let them listen which is a whole deeper thing you know but yeah um kind of just like being able to identify what I need and allowing myself to be like okay how am I feeling you know what could I do to help myself change this feeling or adapt to the situation and just learning from there so I think asking myself those questions has helped me figure out what self-care will look like in whatever situation I'm in yeah I love that I love how you've differentiated that out and talked about it it's not the same all the time it depends on how I'm feeling so I have to analyze where I'm at and what's going to best serve me in that situation I think that's really that's such a good tip because I think we kind of get locked into to those things like you said and it's not the same for everybody and it's not even the same for us all the time and in addressing that so you actually get what's going to be most beneficial and helpful so we're going to talk about next confidently setting boundaries um I think as you have gone through all of these changes um and you and Garrett have been together for a while that's not new this is not like you know you don't but it's still different when you get married and you're in a house together and you still then you're officially oh those family members and those people are like my family now there's no so and navigating those boundaries the time for yourselves because you live close to all the parents too yeah so making time and space for you as a couple um yeah talk to me about the boundaries piece and just and also to you like you're teaching you're giving your energy into so many places so yeah so talk about that yes so to start I guess in relationships especially with Garrett like you mentioned so we started dating my freshman year of high school so I was 15 and he was and we dated through High School through college we went to different colleges and so we did distance for four years and then like you said we had a covid wedding so we were supposed to get married right after graduation but because of all the unknowns we actually ended up moving it up and doing it in March instead of May and so you know that was definitely unexpected and it kind of not that we weren't ready we had seven years to kind of you know but it was like oh like okay we're doing it right now and so I think you know with us because we have been together for a while and obviously you know seven years isn't a crazy amount or now eight since we've been married for a year um but I think with boundaries in that aspect I feel like in a lot of ways we don't really have them I feel like we're very open and vulnerable because it's like when I think about gar I feel like there wasn't much before him him which sounds kind of silly because obviously I had 15 years of life before I met him yeah but and luckily for me I feel like there was no major life experience or any kind of like traumatic experience that I might have had before meeting him and so it's like when I think of our relationship I I feel like he's been here for everything and um I feel like he you know feels the same for me and so it's not of like it's not really relearning someone because it's like we've gone through all the major things together at this point um but I think the biggest thing with boundaries is kind of what you mentioned with like family Dynamics and we are really close to of the family which is amazing and I'm so grateful for that but uh we read a book in our premarital counseling called ready to Wed and a big chapter in that was leaving and cleaving and your family and cling to your partner and I was like oh that is so easy like I feel like we do that already you know I don't feel like I'm tied to my parents by any means but it's been interesting that now that you know we have been married I feel times especially when I'm trying to make a big decision where it's like I want that validation from my parents because I just I look up to them so much I have a really really close relationship with them and so I feel like I need to call them about every little thing and so a big thing that I have been learning is where to set those boundaries especially in respect to Garrett's um his views and his own boundaries because I feel like for me like I said I'm an external processor I feel like I'm an open book it's like you know it's never intentional of I want to go spill you know your dirty laundry to my family but it's I want to you know hear their advice and both of my parents were in previous marriages before each other and so you know they learned a lot you know from their mistakes but also from their success that they found and so it's like well if we just ask them their opinion you know we don't have to that makesense to me um but learning that just because I'm open to share things and to talk with certain people in my life about him doesn't mean that he is and especially when you know he's a big part of that situation whatever it may be that you know having that permission and which kind of goes with like expectations too of what is okay to share and what should stay between us yeah so that's definitely been something that's been interesting and that you know like I said I didn't really think it would come up for us I like oh you know we got this but yeah as we kind of dive into that is just like learning that you know he values respect so much which was another part of our book that we read and one of the biggest things that stood out to me was that a lot of times women value being loved and men value being respected and I had never really thought of it that way obviously we both value the other you know I want to be respected too but feeling loved is something that I value much more than being respected and he values being respected much more than feeling love which to me I'm like that is crazy like why would you feel that way um but just kind of learning that and knowing that going in is like you know when I call my dad to ask him his opinion that makes Garrett feel like he's not being respected and that I don't trust his opinion or value his opinion and so I think just learning that you know I chose him as my life partner so I am going to make these decisions with him and yes there's times when we can go elsewhere and have you know advice from people that we really value and admire but then there's other times when you know sometimes you just have to have the consequences of whatever you decide whether that's good or bad and you together deal with the consequences together so that's a huge thing that I have learned and I think it was really different when we got married from just dating because those decisions you know aren't yours as a couple right know you have your parents that are still kind of over you yeah and guiding yeah it's like we're on our own and and we value that independence from our families um but it's like finding that balance too I think was definitely something that was difficult um but it's been really good to learn and understand you know him a little bit deeper in that aspect um but with boundaries with school and work that has definitely been a huge part um that I've been learning and especially going from my first year of teaching to my second year it has been just dramatically different um you know like you said my first year was in covid and so we started virtually and then we came back hybrids so I had some students in class and some students at home and so I had to balance that and then we came back fully in person and we're like oh things are good but then we went back virtual after Christmas break oh we virtual for a little bit and then we went back in person so it was just so back for go my I'm I'm dizzy just listening to all I don't even know what you said yeah wow I was just going to say I can't imagine trying to find boundaries and self-care Within yeah it and it was really difficult and I honestly I don't I don't think I did it very well and so I think that you know especially because one it was Co and it was crazy for even veteran teachers but two I had never taught before so I you know had my own class and I had to make decisions but I also had to learn the content that I was teaching and um I was in third grade which was not or I'm still in third grade but that wasn't my preference actually going into looking for jobs I was looking for younger grades and so you know the content of kindergarten is a little bit different than the third yeah that really scared me because I was like man I I don't remember the three branches of government but isn't amazing what sticks and what doesn't that's so funny and I was like I'm sure I learned these things at some point but I just really did not remember them yeah so last year you know was a lot of relearning the things but also because we were virtual we had to make the slideshows because you can't just talk to a bunch of eight-year-olds they have to have some kind of visual yeah so I would spend you know so much time before school and after school and then once I got home I would be spending time until I went to bed and then on the weekends it was like Saturday or Sunday afternoons I would spend like six hours on school just prepping for the week wow and I felt like at the time those things had to be done and not saying that I don't think that they did I think I could have been better about setting boundaries at the time but it was also just new and exciting for me and now when I think about doing that I'm like that sounds horrible I do that um but that's been something that going into my second year I knew I was like that is not sustainable I think it had to be done the first year just survive but now you know the slides are made now I've taught the content one time I'm familiar with it I I have you know somewhat classroom management that seemed to work last year and so I've actually been just kind of like complete 180 of where I feel like I'm not doing enough and I've really been struggling especially at the beginning of the year of just feeling guilty um I'm also a three on the inogram so achiever yeah thinking that I'm not doing enough and that could be affecting their success has been really really hard for me yeah and I definitely can't say that I you know have figured it out yet it's only November yeah but I think that I'm starting you know to learn that it's okay to not do all the things yeah and you know it's like last year I would see teachers leave at the bell and I was like how in the world do they do that like when do they do all the things yeah I'm starting to just you know set those boundaries of like you know maybe like once a week I'll stay late but the other day I'm going to try to leave you know quickly if I have to do a couple things before that's okay also just using my time at school more wisely and you know during specials not sitting on my phone scrolling through Instagram but trying to get work done but that can be hard too because sometimes you know you just need a second to just sit in silence and not have your name called so I think boundaries in a job like teaching can be just so difficult because it's not a 9 to5 and it's not a job that you can't take home and sure you know you have to prepare beforehand in order to have something to do when you get to school and there's nothing worse than not feeling prepared and feeling like you know you're just flying by the Sea of your pants all day yeah so I think you know trying to figure that out and I think maybe like I have to do a little something even if I don't want to and even though it's not as exciting as it was for me last year you know feel doing enough extra to feel prepared but also you know holding strong to the values that I do have with my family and with Spirit yeah and starting a new little business has also a wrench into that um so I have recently started a little Sherie business um and it's called grades and Grays so I incorporate teaching with making shuty boards and like grazing tables so and these things are she's not doing it just these things she can take anything it's not just your classic shuer like a little cheese a little meat I mean she does all kind there's fruit ones and pastry I mean I every time I look at it I'm like why do I Kylie's not in North Carolina anymore I can't I can't go have one of those like next week I mean but so North Carolina friends oh my gosh you're gonna this will be in the show notes and in the um resources so you can follow this and I'll tag it but you're going to want to see what she puts together I'm sorry I interrupted but I had to like no I love the affirmation makes good um but yes so starting that I've been doing it for a little over a months now and it just kind of just came out of nowhere I really wasn't doing a lot of boards I got a random Christmas gift last year that was a little book of like how to make boards and then a small board itself sure and so I just kind of you know started dabbling with it and then recently my family was like I feel like you could spell these and like actually make money off of it and I was like I don't know I just like like you said just like putting meat and cheese on the board it's nothing special um but then one day I was like you know what I'm just gonna make a little Instagram and post you know a little picture and just see what happens and you know it kind of exploded you know it did so well the first month and I was like what is happening and just like I ended up buying a fridge to put in my garage because needed a place to store you know the food and the boards once they were done and I was like I run a business I was an education major not a business major oh that's hilarious yeah but Garrett's he his family knows about the business stuff so you've got good insights so how so my question is for you on this with the boundaries how do you make that space I'm like okay this is because I I sense that you really love doing this like this is a really where your creativity shows up um so which is nice when you're doing something like that because it doesn't always feel like work but it still takes time and prep and there's orders so how do you you carve out this is teaching time this is me time like you went last weekend with your friend and took some time for reflection which was great you know space but how do you manage that because you got all those different spaces going on you know when I figure that out I I let you that's a really great question but I love that though I love that though that figuring out because I think so many times we are figuring things out and sometimes I've quoted this a lot but Sierra said this in an episode we did about sometimes you don't need to know you need a boundary until you bump into something you're like oh what hold on I need a boundary there yeah and and so but yeah I love what you said about the teaching too and just what you learn sometimes you got to learn those things and you're like okay wait a minute okay I don't need to feel guilty about this okay I need to take this space it's okay for me to leave at the today I'm only going to stay late this week because I got to be refreshed for these kids and I also want to give good time to my partner to friends to family so you know just that recognition and so many times like I said you kind of bumped into the wall you said okay no I need to do this I need to create space there and something you said with you and Garrett too in talking about this and Si and Tim mentioned this and I thought it was beautiful and I think this kind of applies to you and Garrett too maybe you just don't know it yet is they use the term guidepost for their relationship ship rather than boundaries because Tim said it really well he was like boundary feels like something where I'm saying no you can't come here and with my partner it's like you can come anywhere but this is how I need you to come with me on this and I feel like kind of more so especially because you and Garrett know each other so well and you essentially grew up together in a lot of ways that guideposts might be the the terminology that's almost more and and and that was kind of a perfect example when you're talking about recognizing because you Kylie are both you're those external processors and so just being aware that you know I am but my partner's not necessarily and so it's like okay let's talk about the guidepost for this okay you this one feels a little more sacred like it should be between us so that one isn't something that will go and take out to my my girlfriends or my parents and but I feel like guidepost is really more of a word for you all than than boundaries because it's like how to do it how do we do this together rather than no not here yes here kind of thing does that make sense yeah and I actually listen to that podcast and so many times I was like yes that is so good I was like I wanna I want to reiterate those things in mind but not feel like you know I'm stealing their idea but that specifically that I was like yes because it does feel like you're saying like you're not allowed to see the side of me or enter this part of me and that feels so wrong like as like with your partner so yeah just knowing that there's Parts you know that you have to and I think Sierra mentioned this too about you know be more like gentle with this part like with my arm I had a wound it's like you can't you know you're not just never gonna touch it but just you know be gentle with it and yeah like be more mindful around it and so yeah I yeah I know exactly what you're talking about and I love that and I really feel like I you know I completely agree with that and relate to that in my own relationship taking care of emotional health as much as our physical health and you touched on this earlier with just that recognizing when you need to do a self-care that's more physically related versus one that's more emotionally related um but just talk about how those are connected because I think even as being a student athlete kind of saw this play out a lot um how connected the emotional and the physical health are so talk about that yeah being a student athlete is definitely what comes to mind because you know ever since I was old enough to pick up a softball I've been playing and a big part of that is obviously your physical health and in college I was a slapper and I played Outfield so a big part of that was my speed which you know is all about my legs so I felt like I was always trying to protect my legs make sure that they were stretched and it was cold I was stretch longer and you know really caring to that physical health and you know going to the gym often and I feel like I left College it's been so much more of my emotional health because it's like I'm not required to do those things physically yeah you know and it's been hard because I've actually I do desire to feed my like my physical health more because I feel like that has kind of been something that has been on the back burner because it did feel almost like a burden of like okay we have to practice every day we got to go to the gym this certain times we got to run you know this amount and so when I left College I was like H I don't want to look at a weight for a long time and so I think I'm starting you know I want to incorporate that back into my routine but instead of having like a six-pack and trying you know to look a certain way in order to perform I want my physical health to be you know connected with my emotional health and I want it I want to exercise because it makes my body feel better not because I'm trying to look a certain way or do a certain thing but I want to feel better you know and like healthier yeah and I definitely could tell once I you know graduated and moved home my body changed a lot in this past year because I wasn't doing such demanding exercises yeah and exercising for hours a day and so I have noticed those changes and it has been a little bit difficult for me to kind of process the change that my body has been going through and although it hasn't been you know something extremely significant it's been a change right and so you know learning how to feed that and to help my physical health but also not making it of something that again like I have to do I I have to go work out but wanting to because I see the benefits of it yeah and like you said you know did I think emotional health and physical health and mental health and spiritual health they all are interconnected and really can't have one without the other but I think it's been so interesting that the past year I've been focusing much more on the emotional and spiritual side of things and it's like okay well now that I feel like I you know have a little better understanding of where I'm there I bring this aspect back in to feel more well-rounded yeah yeah a holistic holistic connection absolutely all right how can we support ourselves and other women in living unapologetically and I think this is an interesting one because you know you've been on a team and Dynamics on teams can be challenging and and you you're dealing with your own expectations and in your own feelings but you're also competing with teammates but you also need to be a team so you need to be for each other but you're competing with each other I mean there's a lot of conflicting things going on there and then also at you're teaching kids I mean so you're you're kind of modeling to them this is you know this is what life looks like and this is how you should learn and be and and and proc helping them process all their little emotions that they're that they're going through so talk about how we can support ourselves and other women in living unapologetically I think this has been a really big um lesson I've been learning since entering the workplace and you know in a career type job versus a summer job in college sure and like you said you know I've been on many of teams I've had leadership roles and it can be really really difficult and I am very much a people pleaser and so when you are in these leadership roles you know you want to make everybody happy and you don't want to stir the pot and although you might have to make difficult decisions it's like I would always try to say it in a way that wouldn't upset people or you know it was more of catering to others needs versus my own and sometimes you know sacrificing my own values because I was just trying so hard to make other people feel safe or you know feel understood and so I think coming into the workplace for some reason I thought it was going to be so different I was like you know these are mature adults it's going to be very different you know they're not going to be like the college drama that I dealt with but unfortunately you know we're yeah and we're all flog and so I think the biggest thing I've learned you know now that I've been at my school for a year now is that I'm not GNA be everybody's cup of tea and they're not gonna be mine and that's okay yeah and I don't need to put on a show in order to you know make a friend at school and you know if my values are different from theirs that's perfectly fine we don't have to be best friends you know we can have a friendly relationship but it doesn't need to necessarily be more than that and I think learning that also has been difficult because I'm a very relational person and that's something that is really important to me so I feel the need you know to be best friends with everybody at work and to tell them which goes into boundaries of I feel like in order to create those relationships I need to be vulnerable and tell them what's going on yeah and it's like going on you know that's that's not okay all the time and you have to be careful where we do those things and with who we do them um and so I think just learning that learning more about myself and falling in love with who I am and really understanding my values and knowing that you know I'm not willing to compromise them just like this year it's like I'm not willing to compromise my time and my relationships outside of school um you know to fit in these you know quote unquote expectations that you know were put on as teachers and so just you know encouraging other people to really love yourself first and to understand yourself and to know what's important to you and that it's okay you know to not you know have a super deep and intimate relationship with everybody whether it's at your workplace or just you know even family you know sometimes we have to be mindful with family of you know who we let in certain aspects and you know if we can just stay true to who we are and we can encourage that for other people and I feel I feel like our relationships will get much stronger and much healthier well and healthy with the people that want to be healthy too let's go into talking about expectations and again going back to being a people pleaser and I've seen this in action with you and and it's really and Kylie and I you know had conversations about how you've really kind of grown into yourself and gotten more confident in who you are and living by your expectations and not those ones that are all around you um so talk about that yeah and I think like I mentioned being a three on the indiagram one trait of that is that you do kind of adapt to the people that you're surrounding yourself with yes so whoever you're with at the time yeah yeah try to you know connect with them and you might change your behavior or the way that you speak or the things you're speaking about in order to make those connections and I don't think it's in a malicious way right you know like I don't know it's like I don't think I want to be like that but it's like I'm just trying so hard to make connections with people because that's important to me but in doing so I lose myself and so I think I've started to learn like and you know it goes in with the layers aspect of just diving in to who am I and it sounds so kind of cliche but it's like at the core who am I and what are the most important values to myself and how can I protect those and you know with the expectations it's like I can't expect myself to do all the things and you know to love on all the people it's like I have to protect my own self first yeah yeah yeah no I love to hear you say that and just and just and being confident in that and and that can be tricky especially when people are used to you being a certain way you know especially because you live around a lot of people that have always known you a certain way so how has that been as you're coming into this has that been tricky to communicate or is how is that talk about that a little bit Yeah I think because I do feel like I've gained confidence and you know sometimes I might be more outspoken than I have in the past or share an opinion that is really strong because I've learned that this is something that's really important to me yeah and and you know that can come across in a negative way to some people of your you know you're being overpowering and you know you especially I like in this day and age there's so many topics that are like hot topics that sure you can't speak on and it's really hush hush and so I think it's hard to you know find the balance of I I have these things that are important and I want to share them and I feel confidently and how I believe but also you know not wanting to step on anybody else's toes or yeah you know offend them which is kind of like the people pleasing aspect and you know just trying to kind of maneuver that and you know knowing what is important to me but also creating the boundaries of other people that I know yeah um especially because like Kylie and I we are so different and you you know you recognized it firsthand yeah and we because we were together a couple weeks ago and it's still so baffling to us when we sit together because we're like man our friendship makes absolutely no sense to the average person and even like my parents have said things or like I know she said she's talked to y'all about it before I'm like how is the world are now friends like you're po opposites in some areas but in others we're not at all and we're so a lot of all of like these things that we're talking about she's taught me and I told her that you know as this was coming up I was like I have to credit that to you so if you're listening Kai I never really understood what it meant to you know reflect and how you could do that and I feel like growing up a lot of it was like you know sometimes hard things happen and we got to pull up our bootstraps and we got to keep going and I think there's a lot of value in that at times but I think that mindset over a long period of time can be harmful because it's like you know sometimes you do have to figure out why you're feeling a certain way and that it's actually not healthy to be feeling this you know so often yeah and so being able to find a balance of that too of like we have to push through life is hard you know there's gonna be things that happen some things are out of our control some things are in our control but we have to be able to push through um but you also have to be able to sit and reflect and process what you're feeling and understand what you're feeling and then you know the self-care comes in of like now that I've identified what can I do and what are the next step yeah and you know it's like I was thinking about the Grinch for some reason like you can't wallow in self-pity yes we have to like sometimes we have to push through but we also can't let ourselves just sit and sulk and you know finding that and so she's taught me just so much of that and learning to you know get to that point with myself and be able to ask those questions and I think that's why we've stayed so close through the years and you know we don't even live in the same state and she's moved multiple States since College yeah and being able to still call each other and challenge each other and talk about those things I think that's why our friendship is so strong and to me like when I think about it sometimes I'm like man it's crazy you know that we're so close because we're so different in some ways but then other times I'm like no it makes so much sense because I feel like she helps me understand myself and become the best version of myself and so I'm so just like obviously grateful for her in that regard and um just you know I feel like I couldn't even be having these conversations with you if I hadn't learned those things from her in college yeah yeah awesome oh I love hearing that it's such good stuff coming back to your why and everything you do you've had to kind of deal with that a lot I mean you had to give me a little background so you had your wedding set in May You' identifi it was going to be this beautiful destination and everyone was going to go there and it was just kind of this little story book kind of thing and then all of a sudden it was like nope we're getting married in Mom and Dad's backyard but then we're gonna bring everybody together later on and dress up and do it all over again and you prob and I mean it was nuts it was like six months I felt so bad for you and oh by the way we're going to graduate from college too but never mind we don't get to walk I I mean it was just I mean it was just one thing after another and so just you and having to kind of okay why what's my why here and and then you go into teaching I mean just there's been so many things so talk to me about how your values and your why have helped you kind of carve out these decisions that you've had to make sometimes kind of quickly and and in these spaces as youve you've navigated so many changes over the last few years yeah and I think when I talk to other people and they explain it to me I'm like wow it really has been a busy two years but I think living it and when I think about those couple of months you know last spring when you know the world was just chaotic for everybody yeah I did go through so many changes but in the midst of it it didn't necessarily feel like chaos okay and I am really grateful for that because you know with the wedding you know I see it as we were able to get married two months earlier and we had been waiting to get married for a long time yes you know a long time my parents they told me they're like you have to wait until after you graduate college and so my plan was to do it the next weekend but jokes on them I got graduated college it's like in that moment you know we were trying to figure out what in the world are we going to do with this situation there's so many unknowns I remember it was a Wednesday and I was sitting with Garrett's mom eating lunch at a picnic table and she was like well you could just get married now and I was like are you crazy like what and that's what we did we got married that Saturday so we wedding in three days and I think it's just in that moment it's like we just wanted to be married whether or not our friends and family were there that was hard not having them at our actual wedding yeah obviously we were so grateful to have the majority of them at our celebration and even then a lot of out of town family and friends weren't allowed or able to come or comfortable coming which was really hard too yeah but our why there it's like we want to get married and we don't really care what it looks like or who's there this is what we want yeah and I think you know you do have to make decisions sometimes of like maybe this isn't ideal but this is truly what I'm Desiring and I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do at this time and that's what I'm gonna do yeah and you know with teaching I often have to think about my why because this year has been really you know you think of the co year as being so hard but to me and to most of my colleagues this year is significantly harder because now we're actually bridging those gaps that they've lost in Virtual learning and my students haven't had a normal year of school since kindergarten and in third grade now go wow that's amazing when you say it that way wow I know it's kind of scary it really it is because those are such important years oh my God because it's not just what they're learning academically it's also just their social skills they Chang so much during that time yeah and so you know it's been really challenging I'm not gonna lie and so you know finding those boundaries that I was trying to set but then I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough to reach these needs that are very much there but remembering at the end of the day it's like I want to be a teacher because I want to make my students feel loved and feel seen and ultimately I don't really care if they learn their multiplication fact or if they can do two step word problems I care that they know that they can come to a space every single day where there is someone in their corner and that they just can feel accepted because I mean luckily at my school we you know we in a pretty good area and so there's not a lot of kids that just have nothing and no support which I'm very grateful for but it's like even even if you know you live in a two parent at home and you know you're you can put food on the table that doesn't mean that you're not experiencing hardships right so just being that person for them is the most important thing and so I'd have to tell myself that almost daily of you know they might not be mastering these Concepts like the average third grader would or how maybe my class did last year but I'm doing my very best and I know that they feel loved and they seem very happy in my room and that to me is the most important thing well and I love that I love the feel loved and feel seen because that will stay with them for their whole lives and and those are the things that matter I mean don't figure out the math thing you know whatever but I you don't use a lot of that anyway you remember the branches of government now unless you're the Secretary of State you know I mean that's me there's not that many of those but yeah no but that feeling loved and feeling seen will go so much farther in how they feel about themselves what they'll go after if they and and that feeling safe because you hit on something important too is I think we make a lot of assumptions about oh they parents are married they've got a nice house that doesn't mean it's emotionally healthy no you know that that doesn't mean it's emotionally safe I mean so I yeah I love that and I love that you know that and you're very like okay this is this is the why and this is what we're going for accepting you talked about this a little bit earlier but accepting the layered aspects of yourself yeah I think this has been so interesting as I have been learning about the different layers and I think at first it felt so overwhelming of like oh my goodness there's a lot more to me than I thought and which can be really good but also I think it can be really hard of like wow no wonder I feel this way like it's so much deeper yeah and um and so I think just you know learning that there is whenever we feel any type of way there is something deeper there and sometimes it can take a second to figure out and you know move those layers back in order to get to the core of what might be going on and sometimes you know things can even go back to Childhood you're like man that makes a lot of sense that I feel this way because of this situation that happened in my childhood and I've never made that connection before and so I think the biggest thing with layers is being able to ask yourself questions and to figure out you know how am I feeling and why am I feeling this way and what might have caused this and again that's something that Kylie does so well and she be like well like what do you think would be you know the root to that and where do you think this feeling is coming from and it's like well this actually makes a lot of sense I feel like whenever we have this conversation she's like you know I kind of knew the answer but I just had to help you get there which is a really empowering thing too and that's this this is what happens when one of your best friends is in a public health and social work and Masters and a Psychology major and anthropology major in college you get all those you get all those it's like a session every time and talk to me too though about moving out of college and you know you were known and even through high school you know you you were Kaylee you were the softball player and moving out of that into like okay that's not part of my that surface identity anymore was that hard or was did that help you dive into the other layers of yourself talk about that a little bit because that can be a hard transition for people definitely and I think so in college softball was you know very I guess different than what I was expecting in good ways and bad ways sure I think you know playing time and we kind of mentioned this before but it can be so difficult to have these relationships because you're competing every single day yeah and you know sometimes you feel like you're worthy of playing time but the coach might not think it's the best decision for the team and trying to be okay with that and support the team even though you feel you know that you have something to offer and just that battle and I think the mental game is just vastly you know more important than the physical game yeah and people would preach that to me growing up but it's like until you're really in that you really don't understand sure and so my junior year I didn't have a lot of playing time and it was really really difficult for me because like you said I was Kaye I was a softball player you know when we would have classes like introduce yourself you know say something that you like and I was like I'm Kaye I play softball that was my identity for a really really long time yeah and so I think it kind of started that year when I did have less playing time and that's when my relationships and our Ministry really became much deeper because it's like well if I don't have this aspect of myself it's like you know there has to be something more that if I'm not this softball player and I'm not star of the team what else am I and I think that's really when I started to break down my identity like you know what maybe it's not in the fact that I can run fast and I can like hit the ball every now and then yeah but there's a much deeper aspect of myself and so I feel like that year was so difficult in that way but I feel like I found myself a lot and so then Senior Year you know that was hard because I played like 11 games and then we ended suddenly yeah and that was the other thing yeah her senior year softball season got cut off by Co we've left that part out oh my gosh when you put it like that I'm like man what I'm tired it's like you know I felt like I had already processed a lot of losing my identity a little bit with softball and so when it did end so suddenly I feel like it didn't hit as hard as it would have if I wouldn't have had that year of kind of struggle and finding you know what more is out there for myself and what other passions do I have and so it's been really interesting now that it's like a year out um it's like I do miss off on there's days where I'm like man like I would give anything to just play one more game but I also am very proud of the woman that I am without it and without it and I think you know I'm glad that there's more to me than the fact that I can hit the ball and I can catch the ball yeah that there's a deeper person that has passions that wants to help people and so I'm I'm just so grateful for that experience and because I feel like without soall I wouldn't really be who I am today and you know even the times that were really really difficult I feel like it it did help me to find more and so I think you know that transition and kind of losing that aspect that was so strong for me at you know the majority of my life I feel like it it wasn't nearly as difficult as it would have been yeah absolutely very good stuff thank you for that talk about cultivating healthy relationships with others and I think you have learned so much about that um so talk about that yeah I think this is a big why for me too is just I really desire at my core to just connect with other people and like I said with my students I desire for them you know to feel loved and to feel seen and safe but I also desire that in my adult relationships and and my friendships and you know my relationships with my family and so I think when I think about healthy relationships the biggest thing to me that comes to mind is vulnerability and authenticity because I feel like if I cannot show you who I am and you know unpack those layers and the parts of me that I'm not really proud of and the parts of my story that have been hard then you know you don't know like all that there is to know about me and I feel like you can't understand everything until you do hear the parts that might be hard to share yeah and so I really feel like if you know I can be vulnerable with someone else that it will empower to feel vulnerable as well and obviously there's a time and a place and some people might not be ready as fast as I'm ready for things or there might be things that I'm willing to share and they're willing to share but other places that seem you know a little more sacred at the time and I think that's perfectly fine too but I think being able to feel that you can share those things and that I you know am being my true self and kind of like you know loving people unapologetically and living out your life unapologetically it's like if I can't be my true self and just who I am it's who I am and you take it or leave it yeah then I feel like you're not going to have those deep intimate relationships and so I think they also come from learning about yourself and loving yourself and before I can love myself then I can begin you know to love others well and to have this Rel relationship yeah you hit on something very very important there is you've got to have that love for yourself or it's going to be very difficult to operate in a healthy way with anybody else it's very very important we that we talk about that all day that's a whole another podcast it is it is honestly but that's so true and so important what are some ways that you process your emotions in a healthy way well like I said I'm very much learning that um because I am an external processor and so I think obviously I love to go to people to my people you know I go to Garrett and I go to my parents and I go my close friends and several of my close friends don't live in the state or don't live in the city that I live and so phone calls are super important to me and now we have voice memos on the pH that I just adore like one of my friends is a missionary in Brazil and so we're not even on the same continent I feel like we were very connected you know while she was away because of the technology which I'm so grateful for have that and we can keep those you relationships no matter where you are around the world um so I I love you know to process with other people but I also um spend a lot of like um my faith is really important to me and so also you know I I try my best to get in a habit of journaling you know sometimes it's hard like I I feel like I have so many thoughts clearly you can tell I have on in my head and it can be hard to actually put it on pen and paper and I can probably write a whole book in one night of all the things that I'm thinking about um and so prayer has also been really important to me and just something that an outlet that I have of I can externally process to you know someone who knows all and who knows exactly what's going on and is not biased and is not going to you know have any judgment towards me um and so it was actually really cool because I was at a women's event at my church this weekend and this kind of also goes with like boundaries and you know sharing things and different things like that but they um they read a passage in Second Kings which is not a book I'm very familiar with yeah but it talked about a woman and her son died like in her lap and instead of going to her husband with her you know obvious concern she ran to a man of God that they had seen you know walking down the street and so a big part of that was like running to the father and being able like let him be the very first person that you go to in times of need and like yes I adore Garrett and he you know I chose him to be my person and going to him is really helpful but for me personally my faith has just been like that um a place that grounds me and so it's like when I have all of these feelings going on I feel like I want to be like that woman I want to run to the father first before I go to anybody else and you know have that sacred time with the Lord like in prayer or in journaling where I feel like I can just you know let it all out and really process things in a way that's just to me much healthier than you know sometimes going to people because people are human yeah and people are going to give you the best advice that they can and and they always mean well but you know there's no greater advice than like from your creator himself you know and so I think I want to work on that too of like yes I can you know look for advice and I can process with other people but like running to the father first and finding the joy there I think is something that I think will be more healthy for me like moving forward yeah yeah absolutely how do you getting getting close to the end here but this podcast is called the field podcast finding empowerment embracing layers kind of sum up for me how you about steal I think the biggest thing is just asking questions for myself and just figuring out what in the world am I feeling today and why am I feeling that way and what can I do to help myself you know I think it's all goes together like all the things I feel like you know we just all the talking points that you shared I like all these things just really tiing together and I feel like I talk about one and then you know it's more for the another one um but I think just you know really being willing to unpack those layers and not feeling overwhelmed by it but being like think of just how you know much joy it'll bring me to learn more about myself and how moving forward is going to help me so much to know how I process things and why I process them the way that I do um so I think just you know being able to accept that life you know is crazy and it's going not g to understand yourself at times and you know we GR in people too and I don't ever want to feel stagnant that's something that's really important to me is being willing to be fluid and to move through life you know and to grow and to change um but also like in that process being able to unpack those important aspects like in each stage of life because the way that I was and I think about it with like my relationship with Garrett is our relationship was so different when we were 15 and obviously we want it to be much better you know than it was then and that we've grown and it's been so much deeper yeah and so it's like when I think about that it's like of course I don't want to have the relationship I did at 15 but it's like now it's like well of course when I'm 30 I don't want to have the relationship that I have now so even though it works for me now it's like I want to be willing to change and be willing to you know unack whatever is going to come my way because there might be layers that I haven't reached quite yet and it's not gonna come up until later in life and that's okay yeah but also just you know empowering the women in my life and you know the men as well to be willing to get to that point and to unpack some really difficult parts of their story that they might have you know haven't thought about before yeah um and how just that can just be so helpful for understanding yourself and then understanding others and knowing that others have layers as well and so we have to be gentle with them yes like with my students it's like when they come in in a bad mood I have no idea what they went through before they walked into my classroom and so being able to love them well even in times that I I don't know or I don't understand what's going on but having those relationships which again goes along with being in a healthy relationship is just absolutely you know you're not always going to know what's going on but loving the person for who they are and where they are in that moment because we're not always our best selves you know we have days that it's like I feel like I have nothing left to give and I don't feel like I'm being my best but it's like having people to pick you up and to encourage you in those moments is what's so important yeah oh lots of good stuff there my goodness she's so wise grown up so much since I first met you my know I know this is it's fun though it's fun to watch it's fun to see I love seeing this stuff name five activities that nourish you so I did mention bubble baths and I to say it in you know a cliche way but I think just having especially right before I go to bed I've been learning that I need that time you know to take a bubble bath take a hot shower and just have alone time yeah and I used to not want alone time I used and I'm still very much a people person but just having that alone time before bed definitely is something that makes me feel n nourished um and then kind of like I was mentioning before with like quiet time and time in prayer I'm trying to get in a routine which was something that my friend and I came up with at the beach of having a better morning routine and so like this morning I woke up a little bit earlier and I was able to have some quiet time and I felt like just going into my day was just so much smoother yeah another one would be um helping others and making a difference in other people's lives which is why I'm a teacher yeah yeah and then um another would be quality time which can be really difficult because I do have a lot of relationships that aren't you know right here sure but especially with Garrett just having time you know we like to play games together or like to cook dinner together and finding that time because that's one of my love languages is quality time um so being able to have that intentional time but also um the last thing that nourishes me is intentional conversation which is exactly this conversation is so lifegiving to me you know you're doing it for your podcast but for me I feel like I'm able to just process and to think about all the things that you know have been going through my mind and so I'm so grateful you know to be able to be here and to talk about these things with you well thank you and that's why I started it honestly it's lifegiving for me I mean I've gotten to have the most amazing conver intentional conversations over the last six months and so yeah every time I see down to do this it's like people are like oh my gosh how do you do that and your full-time job and I like because this doesn't feel like work to me this is this is like this fills me up it's you know it's very lifegiving so thank you for that I love hearing that from from people that I'm talking with on here um n five words on how you want to feel the next six months so my first one is joyful at first I was thinking of content but I was like you know what I don't want to just be content I want to be joyful and I do have a little short story about that if we have time abely but I'll I'll go into the other one so one was joyful two was confident three was peaceful four accomplished and five connected good oh wow okay give us your story on joyful okay so last night I was trying to think I was like I need to have these five Birds ready you know so I'm not the spot I want them to be intentional um and not just something I throw out so as I was processing this like I said at first I had the word content and I then I was like you know what I want it to be much deeper than that I want it to be true joy and so I changed it to joyful and then this morning when I was having my quiet time I just looked on I have like the Holy Bible app and they have a verse of the day yeah and the verse of the day this morning was joyful are those who keep his testimonies who seek him with their whole heart oh wow it just hit me so hard of like if this is the number one thing I want to feel six months from now this is the way to do it you know seek the Lord and run to the father and for me I felt like that was just exactly what I needed to hear you know other people obviously they have their different outlets and what fuels them and nourishes them but for me I was like yep Lord like this is exactly what I needed to hear so it was so refreshing to be like I even use the word you know yeah he was like here's the word joyful for you this is the word you want and those us how to do it so that was so cool um and so I was so excited to be able to share that part too with you today yeah awesome that's so I love when you see those things come together that's so cool all right well thank you so much my dear Kaylee she's like one of my other daughters so it's like it's so fun to see her and I haven't seen her in so long I know I was thinking I think the last time I saw you was graduation which was so briefly I know we saw like across the lawn like may I know that was so crazy oh my gosh well thank you so much for your time your very busy time um with all that you've got going on again folks you can learn more about Kaye um through the resources that will be shared through our show notes um follow grades and grades and grads yeah on Instagram and we will have that link um on our resources and we'll share that as we're going through and promoting the um podcast and if you're in North Carolina if you're in the Raleigh Durham area how far away will you go because I don't want to throw greensbor on Winston Salem out there and be like wait wait wait Melissa not going that I did do an order for a teacher I worked with in Greensboro so that's prob ideal book this because of you know my other job but yeah definitely like the Raleigh travel Hill area okay um I would love to have some more business okay sweet so Raley Durham friends Chapel Hill going to be on there um so yeah learn more about that and just thank you so much for your time it was so fun to to talk to you and have this conversation just you and I because it's always in the context of of course with Kylie because she you know you guys are such close friends um but yeah so great to have you here today and have this conversation with you yeah I'm so grateful for it too it was awesome good good good tell your parents hello tell Garrett hello um we miss them all and we hope you're well um podcast audience you're welcome again I always say that but you I I'm so honored that I get to introduce to you on a weekly bases these amazing people that I get to know on my life so um again follow us at embracing layers.com at embracing layers to learn more about our lovely Kaylee blank and Chip Scott and um thanks for being with us and have a great week