foreign I haven't thought about having a drink
in over 10 years you know like I haven't had a drink in 13 years now it doesn't really ever
into my head like that's something which I put to bed a long time ago and day by day I'm
very grateful that I don't drink anymore you know so it doesn't really ever really enter
my head the thought of picking up a drink but um uh something about the mind-altering state of
drugs which which still triggers me and makes me feel because it's so instant it's like ah you
know so like and it puts me on edge you know and I can't be around it I can't be around anyone
that's on them you know I kind of find that really um too hard you know so I'm haven't worked
enough on that to be able to be around it you know but I don't think I need to be you
know I don't need to be in a room with people taking cocaine you know I don't need to do that
so like um that's and I think that's completely reasonable you know whereas drink is part of
our culture and it's just part of what everyday normal people do you know which is fine
you know it doesn't really bother me but um but yeah so I don't really have a problem with
people drinking you know I go to pies and bars and things occasionally I don't have a great time
but I go you know you talked about how you know you're um speaking more of Emma about about what
happened previously and ways in which you can sort of navigate the future together um is she worried
about the tour coming up has she articulated any concerns to you obviously we're a few months away
now yeah she has you know she's um she you know understandably that has been an amount of relapse
for me again again you know so there's always and and and our life is really great you know it's
like why would you put yourself in favor situation which a lot of people say to me Matt why do you
put yourself in a dangerous situation and it and and it's because I love it you know and I
and I and I I really do you know and I feel um I feel passionate about it and um and I am
capable of doing that clean and sober I am you know and I'm gonna work as hard as I possibly can
to show everybody that I am capable of doing that clean and sober and not picking up you know and
Emma understandably worries about that you know but um but I think she she can see the work
that I put in you know as you can see where I am see how open I am with everything and you
know like I'm I'm I'm the first person to tell her anything you know so um and she sometimes oh
God you know but I'm sorry you know so it's it's just it's just in me I think you know so it's
um she can see that and I think she's she's worrying less you know but my family's going to
be on loads at the tour they're going to come in loads of it oh excellent so they're going to come
most weekends I'll be meeting up with me wherever I am I mean it's quite a long tour we've got 27
dates I think we've gone for about seven weeks but and we'll um we'll I'll be meeting up with
them whenever I can and me and them are doing um great stuff at the moment it's just um and
it's um I'm I'm with her as much as I can and I'm happy when I'm there you know so I think
that's that's gonna carry on you seem in a really a really good place at the moment yeah
yeah would you say so that's a yeah absolutely you know I think we kind of um we understand each
other more than ever you know and it's like it's it's weird it's like it's like in
a relationship that I always felt kind of lucky to be there to me like I still do
you know I still feel very grateful very lucky to be in that relationship don't be wrong but I
always felt like I was hanging on for dear life you know like for so many years and I kind of um
whereas now it's a two-way partnership and it's like it's like I'm support her she supports me and
we both get it done you know it's like that's kind of the way it feels now and um and the the kids
are the number one prior in our life you know some that kind of takes over with everything
else I feel very different to that guy who did all that stuff you know like when I say that
stuff like the guy who acted the way I acted in active addiction and kind of that kind of Matt I
feel very different to that person but that life is is very enticing for that guy you know and
I think I'm talking about myself in the third person which is very strange but um it it does
worry me you know because I'm very easily like lead and suede you know but I have been Beyond
strong in what I will and will not do you know and what I'm willing to take and what I'm
not willing to take you know and um and I have very strict boundaries around me and um and
I felt really awkward kind of doing that at the beginning and going look I need this and I need
that and I I can't do this I can't do that and I was met with complete love you know which was
the most incredible thing I was like absolutely anything you need will do anything you want
you know um because in the day it's like it's a weird relationship in a band because you're not
you're not Brothers you're not friends you're not colleagues you're some combination of the three
I can imagine it's a really weird relationship you know and um um but the the root of it there
is love you know and it's weird to talk about that the other two boys because I'm sure they
wouldn't mention the same words as I would but um but there is you know and there's a love
for each other and we want each other to to be happy and if that means not doing it if that
makes a person happy then that's okay but if we are going to do it we have to make sure that um
what I have to make sure that I'm safe and I'm I'm I'm okay and I have certain parameters
that I have to meet every day you know and um and they were more than accommodating and we've
got people we work with now but we've got a new management team which was a big thing and um it's
actually the we're back with the management who first started the band with oh right so like you
know that's when we were 16 years old you know so it's like and they're like it's all right we
know who you are you know we've always known this about you Matt you know like we're gonna make
sure you're looked after and you're kind of you know so it's really um it feels much more easy
and um and also I I I will not allow myself to to just disappear you know which has happened in
the in the past you know like I've I've gone in the ban has taken hold of me and I've kind of
let go of everything I had that kept me rooted you know whereas I don't do that anymore I kind
of keep myself as grounded as possible in who I am and I'm not and I don't lose that Jimmy what what
were you like when you were unrooted well I kind of um the thing is it's really hard because um
because sometimes the band has to take priority right and and that is and everyone feels that
like it's that we press the busted button and everything becomes all has on Deck everything's
about live sleep breathe busted you know and it's like and that has to happen because you have to
put something that we're proud of and we we feel is good enough for the for the level that we're
at you know and then that takes a lot of work but I sometimes forget about everything else and all
I think about is that that you know like and it becomes just tunnel vision absolute tunnel vision
and I think it becomes the ultimate priority it's just is this that and that loses me you know I
kind of lose myself in that mess you know and um and and so I have these things that I do on
a daily basis which keep me clean and sober and and feeling good about myself and so I am I
will not let them go you know so I kind of um I keep them and there's certain rules Within
trucks and adjusting ring little things like that you know that because that was a bad idea for me
you know and um like I don't care it's a pretty key rule it's a key rule for a drug addict it's a
really good idea not to have drugs around you you know so that's um that which is fine you know the
boys have completely cool with that and all our crew and everyone we work with are completely
know the rules and that's that's fine you know so I really admire honestly when you talk about
how that how that lifestyle is intoxicating do you know what I mean how you can get sort of swept
away with it yeah yeah because it's me that's the thing like it isn't it isn't like um because I've
kind of felt like it was like I've talked about in the past as being Matt from busted and that's
kind of a role that I play the mask that I put on um and that's true like I did I did find myself
becoming this caricature of myself because it fitted in with that world and I felt comfortable
when I was that guy in that world there's no blame in my in my in my story for anybody but there is
um I see other very young artist an accident music industry and I just hope that people are there
kind of looking out for them you know a few people speak to mine right now and um I'm just like is
someone there you know can I go you know because um you know it's um it's a it's a very it's
very easy to kind of go oh poor pop star you know how you know but it's a it it's such a
weird environment it's such a strange life change I don't think anyone can really understand
until they've experienced it what happens because you're you're suddenly in a if if you're you know
everyday life you know you're suddenly transported into something which is completely different
and you no longer can relate to anybody you have related with in your entire life you know
like you you can't you can no longer your life doesn't relate to your parents life your life
doesn't relate to your friends at home's life your life doesn't relate to the people you love
you know and it's um and so in some ways I always felt either show off he if I talked about anything
or that I would just be completely misunderstood we're talking about it's amazing you know you
know that kind of thing you know so it's um it's a really hard hard thing to understand and um and I
think that's why a lot of people go off the routes when they hit a certain age where they've been in
this in that kind of world for a few years because it's you you have no one to really relate to or
to talk to about what you're going through and um and there's a lot of people earning a lot of
money from you you know so no one wants to let you get off the train you know which is um which is go
for very problematic isn't it very problematic you know because um because there's like yeah we're
gonna deal with that but in eight months time because you've got a tour and you've got an album
release and you've got this I know this is going on right now but just put it nip it in the bud
because we'll we'll do with that but by the time that eight months has gone you've got another tour
and another thing and there's all these things arranged you know we had diaries for three years
in advance you know so it's kind of like it's um it's a very weird thing to go when is the right
time to to help you know and I think the right time is from the beginning you know to kind of
always have someone who they can talk to who they can open up with who kind of help them you know
did you have anyone to talk to your band mates did he talks about how you're feeling or did you
keep that I kept that to myself you know I never really talked to them about anything you know
and everybody talks to anybody really I kind of just kept everything to myself you know which was
on which is not the right move but I didn't wanna I didn't want to rock the boat as well you know
I was I was struggling for so many years but I kind of didn't want to ever let on because I
didn't want anyone to think I wasn't coping coping you know and and for it to be taken away
you know because I knew how important it was and how important it was for everybody you know
and I kind of felt this pressure to kind of keep a face on and kind of you know however like
if you talk to anybody who was around in those days I was the last on the bed first one on the
bus you know I was always the I was always like really kind of trying to prove that I was okay
you know when I was the one who was falling to pieces but on the front I was like yep great
be there you know like everything but um but then panicking and filled with anxiety and fear
you know so it's a really um it's a really lots of take on board when you're that age yeah and
especially when you don't understand anything you don't and you'd never talked about your feelings
or understood anything about mental health or any or any kind of aspect of that you know and
um and you know I always think of it as like like people used to say like giving up drinking
and the thought of that being like that was what used to bother me giving up I was like I don't
give up you know I want to fight you know like um when actually it's not giving up it's giving in
it's surrendering it's going I am struggling and I Surrender and I I give in I can't do this anymore
I need some help and that is the most empowering thing you can do and you'll be you'll you'll
find that people will support you and people will love you and people will will really stand
by you with those decisions once you once you give in that facade once you give in that that um
the the fight till the death with something that is going to kill you you know once you it's
surrender it's not it's not it's not failure you know it's actually it's surrender
and move forward you know and it's um it's a beautiful thing we've seen each other
at our worst me and Dougie that we've both been inactive addiction together and we've both been
clean together you know and we've seen each other through those times and it's a two-way
street pursue me in him like it's not like um I save him and or he saves me it's like a
two-way thing like it's and that's the beauty of recovery in a way is that that that happens
between people you know and um but he's never talked about it in a public public space because
he had the same experience as me in the beginnings whenever he did he regretted it you know or it
caused harm to people he laughed or you know he felt ashamed of of that stuff so he kept it
very hidden and um and I think that's part of the problem is the shame and stigma around addiction
causes more shame of stigma around addiction once you go once you you know shame Fades when
you show it to the light you know and I really feel that's really strongly you know I've only
experienced nothing but remarkable breakthroughs when I've kind of been open and honest and and
Dougie was so open and honest and said things in a way that I could never communicate you know
he's just um he's just got a way of talking which is so innocent but poetic in the most raw form
of poetry like he's just a really amazing guy and he'll say things that people really resonate
with and people get a lot from and there's there's um I'm always about what's an actionable tool you
know because like I found that with some therapy sessions I go to the beginning I'm talking what
am I getting from this boy am I what can I do now what what can I how can I stop using you
know what can I do like um I don't want to get money to pray every five minutes you know what do
I do now you know I really want to take drugs you know I really want to do this and I think that's
um and it's a really um or I just want to stop feeling the way I feel how can I change my um
my repetitive thought patterns how can I stop ruminating on this thought you know and there are
actionable tools for that there are things that work for people they might not work for you but it
might maybe give them a go if they don't work try something else you know and there's lots of things
out there and I think that's what um what from the Dougie episode we get we get some actual tools we
get some things that he does you know things that he learned in in therapy and rehab and things
like that and things that he still does now and um and I learned loads from it so I'm sure
everyone else will there's so many celebrity funded documentaries out there and stuff which
are you know they're you never really get under the skin of a subject they're all slightly sugar
coated but this one was brutal in its honesty um was it difficult sort of putting some of
that information out there in the public domain um to grasp well I think for me I made a decision
that I I I really wanted to you know because I was like everything that's been beneficial in my
life has come from telling me someone's telling me something and me resonating or me understanding
myself a little bit more through that you know and that that being a two-way street you know like
I talk to other people about my story and they get something from that and I get something from
remembering that and reminding myself who I am or who I could be you know if I slip you know like
so it's a two-way street and then and um I I for years I kind of shied away from that because
every time I I did it every time I went near that or talked about it it kind of became some big
scandalous headline it was taken out of proportion I was like that's I it became almost glamorizing
and that's one thing I didn't want to do with the with the doc I was like I I can't be and luckily
two four were amazing I had to talk camera into being an issue really did I was gonna I was going
to ask you how much convincing you sort of took to quite a lot yeah a lot she really wasn't really
up for it you know well unless she wasn't up for it she she love that I was doing it and she she
knows how passionate I am about it and how much I spend a lot of my life researching and looking
into this so she was really excited that I was doing something with all that kind of energy and
she just wanted it to be my thing and I said but your part in this is so integral that I think
that you're gonna you're gonna say things that people will really understand what that is a
lot more if you you know and which was which was difficult because we hadn't really talked
about that stuff enough you know so it was um it was like I want to bring you in and also we're
talking about some stuff that we haven't really talked about before you know openly on camera you
know and that took a bit of a while but then we um uh I think the result was was was amazing and I
mean we learned a lot from it as a couple we kind of we talked about things we've never talked about
and we're we're dramatically stronger because of it you know it kind of just shows that kind of
talking and kind of opening up really does help you know that's really interesting that you are
you are stronger you've got that impression from watching it actually you could almost see the
sort of the weariness etched on etched on her face when we're going through this process yeah
and I thought that first opening scene where she's fans finds her diary um in in in the in the draw
and it details some of your drinking I mean that was extraordinarily powerful I've never seen that
either you know and that was like a snapshot of a few days you know like so that was years
along that diary you know it's just like and um yeah I mean she told me that she wrote that but
I'd never thought about it since or never seen it and I think that was a really powerful moment it's
kind of like to show that it's not so she'd said once um that she kind of she kind of felt like
people were thinking oh it's just a record pop star she said it's so much more than that you know
and I think that really kind of shined a light on that of what that is to live with you know what
that is to to love somebody and see them kind of destroying themselves and everything you know it
was kind of um yeah I think that was a really and to put it at the top of the film was a really
good move I think to kind of just brought it straight in I did a lot of therapy like years ago
because I just wanted to stop using drugs you know and everything was just about stopping drinking
stopping using drugs All Therapy was just make me um apologizing for taking drugs and trying not to
just trying to stay clean you know and and I did lots of sessions where I just lied and and told
the therapist what I thought they wanted me to say because I just wanted to get a pat on the back and
told I wasn't going to use today I could go home safe you know that's why I stated like for a long
time there was a great learning documentary about how you're almost like blagging your way through
it all because I thought it was very yeah yeah absolutely yeah and I was paying to lie to people
you know for for no benefit really but I felt like I was getting something from it because I felt
like they thought I was doing good and I could walk away happy you know but in fact I wasn't ever
getting to the root of the problem and I've done a lot of that in therapy but I've done a lot of
that on my own you know like um like I write loads of stuff down like I write um I I write
all the time and I find that's really helpful for me because I can actually look at it then and
I can be really brutally honest and truthful and say this is this is this what is that you know and
then when you see it you're like oh that's that's that's no longer the truth do you mean like
that's kind of like that's I have these ways of thinking about it I'm like when something's
happening when I'm triggered or when I'm acting a certain way I can now take a little bit of
a step back and go is that fact or is that a thought you know it's normally a four you know
and I'm not right where's that thought come from I can kind of Trace that back which is a bit
laborious and boring and I wish I could just go oh it's just silly don't worry about it but
I can't I can hold on to these things I need to work backwards yeah what are those triggers
now can you can you identify what they are um I mean I have a real kind of rejection issue
like um but that's kind of something that keeps coming up for me like anytime I feel kind of like
bullied or or rejected or or picked on that can really and it can be something which is not meant
to be that like I'm not really getting bullied or picked up you know but I can take it that way
and it can trigger me in a way that maybe will act like an absolute dick for days you know and
then I have to kind of go what is that right okay that's because I felt less than I felt bullied I
felt you know I felt you know ashamed you know or being me I wasn't expecting you to say that really
we went to this how what situations are you in can you give me an example I think it's any time I'm
not listened to you know like I'm not very I'm not confrontational you know which is something
which I used to be but I I used to be quiet aggressively confrontational you know but the
but only because I wanted my point to be right and I'd fight the wrong point for no reason
you know but whereas now it's if I'm not if I don't feel I mean I can't really think of an
example right now but if I'm not if I if I feel um it's all from low self-worth I
think you know like and if I feel that um I don't like to feel that anymore and
I've had that voice for a long time kind of ruining everything for me so I'm I'm not fond of
that anymore I know whenever I do I react badly to it and I um and I can I can spiral so I kind of
very quickly have to check myself I always thought um with therapy I wouldn't know what to say
you know what do they want from me what do I have to say am I bad enough you know like is my
story worthy enough well this kind of stuff I'd worry about with therapy or I'd be like no one
wants to listen to me bore them about my poor life you know whatever that is you know I'm
like get out of yourself when actually it's the opposite of that like it's just um talking with
somebody and finding the right relationship with somebody that's what it is it's about finding
someone who you feel comfortable with and that doesn't happen instantly it can take a few
sessions and can take a little while but you'll get somewhere and you'll get somewhere you didn't
expect to and before you know it you're talking about things that actually really affect you and
um and you can you can find a new way of looking at them which is what I've done is I've found
different ways of these things which are these things which are secrets which I keep you know
that um I remember when I first went to rehab and people were talking openly in a in a circle of um
I mean a men's group and we sat down as as men and they were talking openly about feelings and what
they felt and like how they reacted things I was like whoa whoa whoa don't don't you don't say this
out loud they're gonna hook you up you know like I said if I'd say they're gonna they're gonna take
me away when actually you know it's like everyone goes through this stuff you know like most men
feel these things but we have ways of I don't know I think it's kind of like this describe it
as a scaffolding we build up around ourselves you know from a very young age like Boys Don't Cry he
can't carry on man up all this kind of stuff that we kind of build up on ourselves that we pretend
is us and it kind of holds us up and when you start peeling those things away you kind of get to
the the essence of the way you feel in a way and that's and that's what I try to do you know and
I still struggle with it I still try to do that stuff on a daily basis but sometimes it doesn't
work you know sometimes I react differently you know but that's just life but I'm very quick
to notice it I'm very quick to say sorry