when i was first born he took me under his wing he was my brother and he showed me the way he used to be my best friend i wanted to be just like him he was cool i would copy everything he did when i was little i would walk the way he walked talk the way he talked dressed the way he dressed he loved paintballing so i love paintballing he started skateboarding so i started skateboarding because what he was doing was cool shane was my hero someone i looked up to always there for me looking back shane was the best big brother i could ask for and i think that's what confused me most when i'd caught him stealing from me i didn't understand how he could steal from his own family members it didn't make sense to me and to be honest it killed me i thought my brother didn't care about me anymore almost as if he didn't like me our relationship had become a one-way street and i was being betrayed by my own idol i was stabbed in the heart he tried to explain and apologize with some dumb excuse but i never really understood maybe i was just too young to understand what was going on however being his brother i had to forgive him and so i did but things would still never be the same shane wasn't the brother i grew up with no longer the one i looked up to it wasn't until a few years later that all my questions were answered in the worst way possible i remember the whole thing all too well i was sitting in my room studying for a history test my dad asked if i'd seen shane his car was still outside and he was supposed to be at work 30 minutes ago a few minutes later i heard her door being kicked down and my dad frantically yelling call 9-1-1 call 9-1-1 next thing i knew my hand was gripping onto the railing tight enough to keep my body from moving forward my body became the rope in a tug of war and my mind was splitting pulling on both ends my rational side telling me to turn around and go back up my overpowering curious side telling me i had to see what was going on my world started to move in slow motion as i continued down the stairs i turned the corner to see my brother's limp pale body propped up by my dad his lips were purple and his mouth was open as his eyes rolled back in his head beside him was the answer to the past the answer to what has consumed my brother in a relationship a needle my brother was a drug addict he had overdosed on heroin my head was spinning i was in shock as i stood frozen my draw dropped like his everything went silent in my head as i walked back up the stairs distant sirens sounded they grew louder as they got closer to my house and the only thing i could think of was that i had lost my brother forever that i'd never be able to speak to him again i was more pissed off than anything i was no longer mad at my brother for stealing my money but mad at the needle for stealing my brother i was torn at the idea that i could never relive old memories with him we lived at times before his addiction the good times luckily he regained consciousness at the hospital after going through treatment and rehab he returned home as a family we discussed everything and like i felt on the stairs i was again in a tug of war with myself do i stay angry and disappointed with my brother or do i forgive him after all he's still my brother so i had to forgive him but i'll never forgive the kidnapping drug that strips all identity the drug that stole my brother and i'll never forget that later that night he came into my room apologizing for his selfishness and her lost relationship bursting into tears he told me how he's always looked up to me that was hard to understand how my older brother could be looking up to me especially when i'd always looked up to him he's the older one why was he looking up to me a part of me was proud that someone looked up to me but the other part upset because of my older brother i guess that's how life is though not everything can be perfect and that's what makes life exciting in a way of course i'd like to look up to my brother again but this is reality so all i can do is embrace our flipped roles and the only way to move forward in life when things don't go as planned is to embrace the adversity