Have I Got a Bit More News for You S67 E7. Jason Manford. Non-UK viewers. 17 May 24

Are you well, everybody? AUDIENCE: Yay! Good. It's all right for free, innit? What do you want it to be? I was just saying, I've only done this show once before, I was a guest on Ian's team, and I come away thinking, "I got a lot in there," and when I watched it back, I remembered it was because Ian had laryngitis at the time and couldn't talk. GRAVELLY: You're in luck tonight. This programme contains some strong language. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jason Manford. In the news this week, at airport security, one man regrets getting tetchy with staff as he's led off to have a full-body cavity search. LAUGHTER In Northampton, the culprit behind a spate of vending-machine thefts is finally tracked down. LAUGHTER And in Ashton-under-Lyne, Angela Rayner slips out the back way as police try to interview her about her housing arrangements. LAUGHTER On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and former newsreader, one of whose earlier jobs was working at the same radio station as Katie Hopkins. It was his job to tell her when the sun had gone down and it was time to come out of her coffin. Please welcome Glenn Moore! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On Paul's team tonight is a Labour MP whose childhood ambition was to be Prime Minister and has therefore made several appearances on this show. Nice try, but I don't think the public are going to make the same mistake twice! Please welcome Jess Phillips MP! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Paul and Jess, have a little look at this. Yes. Prince... "Oh, I can't stand the colour red. I can't stand red wine." Yes, it's Prince Charles and Camilla. "Oh, it's the colour red again, I can't stand the colour red. "Everywhere I go there's the colour red. Why is this red? "I can't stand the colour red." LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE So Charles unveiled the first official portrait of himself as King by artist Jonathan Yeo. Yes. Do you reckon the artist turned up, opened his box and he was like, "I've only brought red, "I've only brought red. God!"? The fingers do look really unflattering. I know that he famously has sausage fingers but they're really accentuated, they're the only thing you can see apart from his face. What do you make of it from an artistic point of view, though, from the art world, what do you think of it as a piece of art? It's a bit Freudy, it's a bit Bacony, it's a bit... It's not Bacony, it's sausagey. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE They've been out and they've vox-popped people. They've found out what the general public think. This is some people being bothered by a BBC reporter. Yeah, the red is quite disturbing. Oh, man, it's pretty red, looks kind of like a massacre or something here. Wow. It's very red. That is quite red indeed. Yeah, that's unusual. That's what the people think. What observation was made by Times art critic Laura Freeman? I don't know, but, I mean, presumably something other than, "It's red," which is what everybody says. She said that blending the figure of the King in with the background was... Bit harsh, innit? What suggestion did King Charles come up with regarding the portrait? Burn it. I feel bad making fun cos, you know, under all the wealth and opulence and stuff, you know, there is still a lizard under there. LAUGHTER According to Jonathan Yeo, Charles suggested including the butterfly... Oh, yes. ..which is entering stage left there, you can see it. What's the life expectancy of a butterfly? Short. Couple of days, innit? LAUGHTER AND OOHING You did that. I didn't do that. In other portrait news... Yes. ..why is Australia's richest woman, mining billionaire Gina Rinehart, not happy? There's a portrait of her she doesn't like. Yeah, it's got to be that, hasn't it? And, to be fair, she's right. SHOCKED LAUGHTER SCATTERED APPLAUSE Wow! Back to the royals. What else has the King revealed this week? Oh, new warrants? New warrants, yes. Not for Prince Andrew, though, funnily enough. Er, no, Royal Warrants. The winners and losers have been announced. Do you know which company had its warrant renewed? Benson & Hedges. Benson & Hedges, that has one as well? No, I don't know, I just assume. I just remember that had it. Oh, I see. I presume they're against that sort of thing now. I would say. Well, definitely Charles. I don't think Camilla is. You're not wrong. I think it's gone to Marlboro Light. Duke of Marlboro Light, probably. It's a company that possibly irritated the King at one point. Oh, was it the Parker pen? There you go. The pen. Parker pen. "The stinky ink pen! Ugh!" Yes. Here it is. LAUGHTER I love the way that Camilla took over. Yeah. Which is sort of what's happened in the last couple of months anyway. "All right. Bye, darling. I'll sign everything. "Here we go. Royal Warrant - Gordon's Gin." They've actually renewed the Royal Warrant on the Parker pens. Oh! Camilla Parker Pen. LAUGHTER Hey, there we go! Thank you very much. Very good. Here's their letter of thanks. Another company to have its royal warrant renewed is Waitrose. Buckingham Palace had to apologise, saying warrants were currently out of stock, but substituted it with some Findus Crispy Pancakes. They don't sell Findus Crispy Pancakes in Waitrose! That's Iceland! We've misjudged this crowd with our Findus Crispy Pancakes chat. A woman whooped for Waitrose. Who didn't get a sausage? Wall's sausages? No. No. No. It was a butcher's shop near Balmoral Castle lost its Royal Warrant. Owner John Sinclair was baffled, saying... I think that might be your answer, John. In a busy week, what did the King not have time to do? Didn't see Harry, who came over, for some reason. I can't remember. Invictus Games, I think. Oh, is it the Invictus Games? But, I mean, they were in the same city at the same time. I'm often in the same city as my dad and I don't go and see him. I mean, like, not every day. Maybe he's going to pop in another time. Have you written a book about him called I Hate You? I've written three. No, I don't hate my dad, just FYI. Um... I think Charles saw David Beckham instead. Yeah, that's right. No offence to my own son, I would do the same. And do you know what they chatted about? Was it football? No. Tattoos? "I've got the Edinburgh Tattoo." LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Bees. Bees?! They chatted about bees. Bees. Where did Harry go next? Nigeria. That's right, yeah. He went on a royal tour. Well... Oh! That's that prince who emailed me! They went on what wasn't a royal tour. No, it was just a holiday. But it looked a lot like a royal tour. Harry and Meghan went on a three-day trip to Nigeria. According to the Daily Mail... Is that what you guys have been chatting about this week? Totally. Yeah, the people of Birmingham hardly speak of little else. Meghan did make a motivational speech, as per. Mm. What did she tell a group of students? She said her daughter, Lilibet, had said to her, "When I look at you I see you in me." Is that right? Yeah. Which is pretty good for a two-year-old. Pretty good, isn't it? It just makes me feel my own children were a bit thick. Do you want to know the exact phrasing of her...? Yes. "Oh, everybody's gone." LAUGHTER I imagine is what happened on the day. The idea that a two-year-old said that. She said something with the word poo in it and then laughed. That's what happened. And if she didn't, then take your kid to see a psychiatrist. What's wrong with them? I once made a Channel 4 TV thing with Jacob Rees-Mogg. Was it Naked Attraction? I went to his home and his child was there. He was the same age as my youngest child. As I left my house, my four-year-old was... He must have been a bit older, about six. ..had literally got a bucket on his head and was running into a wall. And then when I got there, Jacob Rees-Mogg's son was wearing a suit and reading like a book this thick about Ancient Romans. And that was at six? Yeah. He's very slow. Finally, what did Sue and Judy get up to on a lovely day out at the British Library? Oh! This is the attempted attack on the Magna Carta, isn't it? Just Stop Oil. That's right. Something about how the Magna Carta stands for various freedoms and rights and those freedoms and rights are being affected by the climate situation. But that's as much as I know. I think they were trying to get inside the case. Really? How big's the case? It... I mean... And how big were they? Well, I'll tell you... They'll suffocate. They haven't thought this through. They haven't thought it through. It's one of the best attempts to get into a box you've ever seen in your life. Have a watch of this. Yeah. This is how bad pollution in London is. They're 30. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Just Stop Oil protesters Reverend Dr Sue Parfitt - a reverend and a doctor no less - 82 years old, and retired biology teacher Judy Bruce, 85, tried to smash their way into the glass cabinet, which held one of only four remaining copies of Magna Carta. And when that failed, they tried to glue themselves to the cabinet. And after that, they had a cappuccino and some carrot cake at the cafe. A lovely day out. What was the plan? What were they going to do with the Magna Carta? Because actually they look like the kind of people who probably respect that sort of level of a historic document. Well, they look like they remember when it was written. That's pretty mean. I don't think there was much chance of them getting in, was there? No, I don't think so. I mean, security didn't look worried. Yeah, you're right. He was the one filming it, I think. So this is the portrait of King Charles unveiled this week. According to the Sun... I don't know why - if Charles didn't like it, he could get Kate to tickle it up in Photoshop. Jonathan Yeo is an accomplished royal portrait painter, but I'm happy to say he's no Rolf Harris. Jilly Cooper was given a Damehood this week. Charles hosted the investiture ceremony at Windsor Castle where Jilly Cooper was honoured. Nervously, hesitantly, she knelt trembling before the proud monarch... No, Jilly, stop! Ian and Glenn, take a look at this. Oh, that's some Tory voters just going through. And Rishi, or Keir Starmer's predecessor. Can see Keir's head but nothing else. JESS LAUGHS And that's the future. Rishi Sunak has got a new approach this week. Saying, "If you don't vote for me, "there won't be someone like me in charge when war breaks out." I think this is what used to be Project Fear. And he's now saying there's Russians, there's Chinese, there's North Koreans, there's Iranians, you know, who knew? And therefore we should vote for him. He was asked if the country would be less safe under Labour, and he said, "In a word, yes." That's four words. I literally can't understand why he carries on. Mm. He's got loads of money and, like, houses all over the place. Yeah, so's Angela Rayner. Oh! Yes, it's the same - Angela Rayner and Rishi Sunak... Yeah. ..exactly the same. It's a principle, Jess. It not about quantity. About honesty, dealing with these matters. The week you announce a tax fraud enquiry one of the people isn't coming entirely clean about the tax. I'm just saying. HIGH-PITCHED: But she is coming clean about it! Why did you go so high there with your voice? Because... Because I am incensed. Yeah! He said... Keir's going to actually excite you with his six-point plan. Yeah, it used to be five, but inflation's terrible. Here he was in full flow yesterday. If you can't pay your bills, if you can't buy a house, these are huge changes... Friendly little thing. Um... That's a strong man we need in a time of crisis. Wasn't there an interview where Obama was being bothered by a fly and he caught it? Oh, yeah. Then there was that Boris Johnson one where he then tried to chat up the fly. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jess, Keir - is he as much of a right laugh as he seems? He's funner than Rishi Sunak. He told me to fuck off the other day. Did he? Yeah, cos I was showing a level of sympathy to Rishi Sunak. I was like, "I am starting to feel a bit sorry for him," and he was like, "Oh, fuck off, Jess." Fair enough! APPLAUSE He did try a little zinger against Rishi in Prime Minister's Questions this week. He was planning to call him... Let's see how well it went. Mr Speaker, he must be the only tech bo...bu-bu-brother... ..who can't work a debit card or send an email. GROANING You want to die, don't you? Keir's not had a great week cos Rishi Sunak has been able to make some quite good jokes about, who is this completely awful person who's just joined the Labour Party? Who used to be, you know, in the Tory Party five minutes ago. It does give you leverage. Was that depressing, Jess? Yeah, a bit depressing. Yeah. Anyone else you wouldn't like to welcome? There's no way I can do this without it being libellous. So... Good, let's go! It's for the room. I tell you what, I'll do it in Parliament because then I'm safe. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you think about having Natalie Elphicke as a colleague? I find it problematic considering what she's said about the victims of her ex-husband, who was sent to prison for sexual crimes. You got her to apologise for... I did get her to apologise. I don't know that she would see it in those terms. Er...but that's how it happened. Did she vote for you this week, with your motion? She did vote with my motion. And we won by one. And so people say to me... There you go. People say, "Oh, it was Natalie Elphicke's vote." That's not how maths works. SINGULAR THEN SCATTERED APPLAUSE Er, if you're going to clap, clap. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks. What is Rishi Sunak encouraging everyone to do? Grow their own vegetables. Grow their own vegetables. Vote Labour. He says we're becoming too reliant on foreign fruits and vegetables, so do you want to play a little game? Yes, please! Yeah. Yeah. The Mail produced a handy guide to what foods should be eaten if you're patriotic. Right! Oh! IAN LAUGHS Red, white and blueberry! SCATTERED CHEERS A big boo for no, and a cheer for yes. OK. That's what we're going to go for. So here we are. Fried egg on toast and a glass of milk. CHEERING Proper British. Yeah. Ham. CHEERING No. Boo, it's boo. Is it foreign? Yeah. Danish. Avocado on toast, patriotic or not patriotic? Boo! ALL: BOO. Yeah, exactly. Foreign, foreign. Foreign muck. When did we stop calling it an avocado pear? You're ruining my game. Oh, sorry. Yeah, let me just play this game. I think the producers got there before you. APPLAUSE I apologise. King prawns? AUDIENCE, UNCERTAINLY: Boo. Boo, yeah, from Asia, boo. I mean, I'm going to get cancelled for this. I can feel it. Just that. Out of context, I'm going, "Asia - boo!" Anyway, I could play that all night but I've got to move on. To show that the Government do care about farmers, Rishi Sunak held a farmers' summit at Downing Street, where a couple of farmers were welcomed by a very sensitive security guard on the door. We've got to knock. Christ. Why? What, knock? Sorry? Hi, guys, you all right? How you doing? Thank you very much. "You've knocked so loud, you've made the cat walk out." That's so rude. So rude. So rude. Who's founded a completely new political party? Dominic Cummings. Yeah. Yeah, Dominic Cummings, or as the Daily Star call him... Knobo? That's absolutely brilliant! I love the Daily Star. Why have they not gone for The Second Cummings? That's what I would have gone. Right there, that headline, innit? Thank you. It's called the Startup Party because it's meant to reflect start-ups and excitement about AI. Has he actually done that? He just... He's just given an interview saying he's doing it. And they ended it by saying, "I, you know, I'm quite tired "because I've been up all night with the AI guys." Ugh. Do you think he meant that they were just talking to the AI, like he was having a chat with Siri? "Oi, Siri, who's the best person who ever worked for Boris Johnson?" Knobo. I don't trust a word he says anyway. I think he's so untrustworthy that when they interview him on the news, they should dub his voice over with Gerry Adams. Well, on the Irish theme there, what have the Irish been doing to try and foster peace, harmony and goodwill? It's the portal, isn't it? Which links Dublin and New York. So people in Dublin can see people in New York and vice versa. Here it is. It's been a bit controversial because if you'd done this sort of thing maybe 40, 50 years ago, people would have found it quite interesting and would have waved. But now they do things like pretending to take drugs, take their trousers down and moon. And so they've had to stop it. They've had to... Because people are behaving quite badly. That's exactly right. Well done. Yeah. Dublin Council have spent £120,000 on a futuristic video portal. It's human nature that people are going to moon at a portal. I reckon you probably could have convinced some Americans that if you just run at it really quick... LAUGHTER So, this is Rishi Sunak starting his election campaign. Meanwhile, the Tories have been trying to undermine the defection of Natalie Elphicke to the Labour Party, with one source revealing... Eventually, it was decided she wasn't fit for such high office, and nor was Natalie Elphicke. APPLAUSE This week, Dominic Cummings gave the i newspaper his first major interview since leaving Number Ten, which began... Hang on, I thought his vision was terrible. APPLAUSE Time now for Round Two, and inspired by the new royal portrait, we've commissioned our own artist to paint some news stories. So, fingers on buzzers for the Painting Spin Quiz. Here's your first one. BUZZER Oh, this is appalling. This is meant to be the Northern Lights, I think. Yes. And that's been painted by a grown-up, by the way. Yes. This is somebody...they were very excited because they saw the Northern Lights this week. And as they sort of got closer to it and took photographs of it, they realised it was a Premier Inn in the mist. That's right. These lads in Norfolk... Norfolk, yes. So that's what they saw. "Wow. It's amazing. It's the Northern Lights." And when they got closer, it was the lit-up frontage of a Premier Inn. Easily confused. Just as a cheer, who actually saw them? SOME CHEERS And who not? MORE CHEERS Most people. Who saw the Southern Lights? Yeah. They're similar to the Northern Lights, but northern lights are friendlier. Did you get to see them? No, I'd already gone to bed, and my kid went out... ..to smoke a fag. I don't know why I was going to try and pretend otherwise. This is the six-year-old? No, this one is an adult. OK. Still got the bucket on his head? And he said, "Oh..." LAUGHTER What's going on in this family? I said, "Did you see it?" He said, "No, I was outside at that time. Didn't notice." That's because - and I want to put this out there right now - the Northern Lights are a swizz. Are they? Yeah. Unless you're looking through a screen, you can't see them. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes. Look at this. Yes! About time someone started dealing with issues. Yeah, I went all the way to Finland for them and I was... The guy was going, "Can you see them?" I said, "No." "Have a look through your screen." When I looked through the screen, I could see them. Absolute joke. Was it your screen or did he just give you a picture of...? Social media was alight with people who had slept right through. One woman missed the aurora borealis because she was watching reruns of Made In Chelsea. Hang on, Aurora Borealis, wasn't she in series three? One person created this handy diagram for anyone who felt left out. Does anyone know how they're caused? Yeah. There was a solar storm. The biggest one for decades. That's right. Yeah. A huge sunspot cluster hit Earth last week, causing a... This meant that the Northern Lights were visible in the UK as far south as the Isle of Wight, where locals quickly set up a sacrificial altar to appease the gods. Fingers on buzzers for another painting. Yeah. BUZZER So this is the Donald Trump trial. Michael Cohen, who used to be Donald Trump's fixer, is now trying to fix him in another way. And there's going to be a presidential debate. Joe Biden has insisted that there's no audience and also that when it's not your turn to talk, the microphone will be turned off, which I think... HE MOUTHS ..and also... It's going to be grand entertainment cos Donald Trump is seriously losing it. He made a speech the other day at one of his rallies, he complimented the late, great Hannibal Lecter. Mm. That's right. And also he said it was from his favourite film, The Silence Of The Lamb. Along with his other favourite films, Star War, Austin Power, and The Magnificent Six. Do you want to see the clip? Yes, go for it. Yes, please. Here we go. Silence Of The Lamb, has anyone ever seen The Silence Of The Lamb? The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man, he oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. Remember the last scene? "Excuse me, I'm about to have a friend for dinner," as this poor doctor walked by. I'm about to have a friend for dinner, but Hannibal Lecter, congratulations, the late, great Hannibal Lecter. You can trace Donald Trump's hold over his supporters by looking at the people in the background. Like, three or four years ago, they were all cheering, now they look completely confused. Is he just into every baddie from every movie? AS TRUMP: The great shark, Jaws. We love him cos he's great and he's white. APPLAUSE He took a day off court to have a rally. He's allowed Wednesdays off, I think. There's a good joke Joe Biden did, he said, "Let's have these "presidential debates any time you like, Donald. "I think your Wednesdays are generally free at the moment." LAUGHTER Here we go. There was six different cuts there. I wonder how many times he trailed off. This week, 81-year-old President Biden and 77-year-old Donald Trump agreed to a televised head-to-head debate. Yes, just two men, two microphones, one defibrillator. APPLAUSE All right, fingers on buzzers, teams. Last one, here we go. The masterpiece. BUZZER Right, this is Tottenham versus Manchester City, I think. And Manchester City were playing at Spurs, and Arsenal are challenging Manchester City for the title. It was thought that a lot of Spurs fans wanted their team to lose to stop Arsenal from winning the championship. That's exactly right, yeah. Could you explain it again? The Royal Engineers were playing the Corinthians... Ah, excellent. That's a proper match. A proper match, yes. Are you a football fan, Glenn? I am. I'm surprised that Tottenham didn't win. I mean, they've just signed that goalkeeper from the game hangman. They stood a good chance. Before the game, what did Australian manager of Spurs Ange Postecoglou say to journalists who asked him if he thought the home crowd would actually want to lose the game to stop Arsenal winning? Well, he said... VAGUELY AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "No, I don't think any true Spurs..." Why is he talking in a South African accent? He said, "I don't think any true football fan would want that." Yeah, he said... ..to which a Spurs fan immediately tweeted... Another fan called Alex wrote... LAUGHTER How did Ange react? Who react? The Tottenham manager, my lord. Yeah, thank you. No. Don't worry, Ian, we'll talk about the repealing of the Corn Laws in a minute. Yeah. Did he sort of shake his fist at the fans? Yeah, he had a go at the fans. He was still fuming afterwards and he said... The Tottenham fans switched allegiance from their own side to Man City, shamelessly supporting whoever seems likely to win. Who'd do that, eh? APPLAUSE Time now for the Odd One Out round. And just one between you this week. They are... Van Halen, tax lawyer Daniel Neidle, the National Cyber Security Centre, and Bambie Thug. BELL Bambie Thug is a very well-known singer... This week. ..who plays for Tottenham. No, she was on Eurovision. Yes. She was the Irish entry. Yes. And there was trouble. She had messages hidden in her tattoos. JESS: Oh, did she? There you go. She is subtle, isn't she? Yeah. Um, is that right? During...? That is correct, yes. Well done. None of these people are MPs. Yet. I'm very much hoping Eddie Van Halen will... I think Eddie Van Halen's dead, isn't he? I don't think that would stop Keir Starmer. Something to do with information, secrets. The guy in the top right, did he...? And who's he? He's a lawyer. JESS: He is a tax lawyer and he often goes on Twitter and breaks down the actual tax law for people to understand. GLENN: He did, like, a prank involving red wine. Go on. It was like a way of checking if people read through documents, like, reading through terms and conditions. Yeah. That he basically put, like, a free fancy wine... In the middle of someone's...? Just to see if they read it, and it's only just been claimed. Yeah, that's correct, well done. Van Halen's the odd one out. Why is that? They're famous for asking for a bowl of Smarties but having all the red ones taken out. Yes. Van Halen said the only reason that they did that... Yes. ..was to make sure that somebody had read it. So, those two are in, she's got hidden messages. The National Cyber Security Centre don't hide messages when that's actually what they should do. That's it, bang-on. Yeah. Well done. Yeah, there you go. They've all hidden information, apart from the National Cyber Security Centre, which openly advertised the door entry code to visitors. Oh, yes! Anyone got an idea what the code for the door was? 1234. It was 1234, yeah! Oh, no! My husband, who worked on many building sites, said if you want to ever get into a building site, it's always 1966. 196... Oh, really? And what happened then? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's the anniversary of the Battle of Hastings. Ah! What are the top password choices in the UK, do you think? Password. Password is up there. 121212? Do you know what? It's not. Keep that. Ah. Shall we do the top ten of most popular passwords in the UK? Yeah! Yes. All right. Here goes. PICK OF THE POPS THEME MUSIC All right, at number one, it's... "qwerty" at number five for you letter fans. GLENN: That's mine! And then, out of nowhere, it's... That's absolutely brilliant. That makes me love people. There's a lot of people quickly changing their passwords at home right now. How did the Security Centre defend their actions? "We're stupid." They said... Fair play, fair play. So you're quite right. Dan Neidle hid a reward on his thinktank's website for anyone who bothered to read the terms and conditions - a ten-year-old bottle of red Bordeaux worth 35 quid. I've found it says on my contract, "I won't bring the BBC into disrepute." Yeah, but you've never signed it, though, have you? Baroness Mone went after him. JESS: Yeah. To try and stop him saying that she basically ripped off the entire country and had taken the money and transferred it to a private family trust. Well, that didn't stop you saying that, did it? APPLAUSE So, well done. Rock band Van Halen demanded M&Ms backstage but with all the brown ones taken out. It was actually a test. Lead singer David Lee Roth explained in his memoir... That happens to me as well. Does it? Yeah. And I got here today, and there were brown M&Ms in my room there, I was absolutely furious about it and... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What did Irish Eurovision entry Bambie Thug try and hide? As Ian said, tattoos. Yeah. What message was on the tattoos? It was the word "ceasefire" that was written in the ancient Irish writing known as... Let's have a little look at that. There it is, written on the side there. Coincidently, an ancient stone bearing Ogham script was dug up this week by a man in Coventry. Here it is. Ooh. I mean, is it Ogham or has somebody just hit that with a spade a lot? Graham Senior had been clearing out an overgrown flowerbed. He said... Back to Eurovision - what happened during Finland's performance? Oh, is this the bloke with no trousers on? Ah, he was brilliant. Yeah, that's right, one of the performers climbed out of a giant egg wearing tiny denim shorts and then accidentally exposed himself. Graham in Coventry said... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "..that's not normal." Van Halen's tour rider included a request for M&Ms, with the additional caveat... Very similar to the sign they used to have on the door at Yorkshire Cricket Club. OOHS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE That's a fact. Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication Woodturning Magazine. And we start with... GLENN: The termites going, "Wheee!" LAUGHTER PAUL: ..your wife slamming the front door never to return. The answer is... The catastrophic mishap being you've taken up woodturning. Next one. PAUL: ..threesome with two women who tried to steal the Magna Carta. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is right, isn't it? The actual answer is... Oh, no. AUDIENCE: Ugh! No, no. Lost his mind. Cheesemonger Edward Hancock has developed a Gouda that is best enjoyed with black coffee. According to Edward, chunks of cheese should be immersed in the coffee for 30 seconds, then removed, after which... AUDIENCE: Ugh! ..along with the rest of the coffee and the cheese. Right, next one, here we go. PAUL: At a recent woodturning event in Yorkshire it was interesting to see how Dave Roberts operated his manual lathe, whereas Richard had a mechanical version which he operated with a foot pedal. If that's right, I'll buy everybody a drink. In the country. Now they're going to print... It's right! CHEERING Ooh! I'll have a double. Yeah. It's... Richard complained that during his demonstration he had to carry on even though... Clearly a lot more exciting than it sounds, woodturning. Right, next one. GLENN: 1,000 people in a tent in Germany, only four poles. GROANS Oh, fuck off! That was really good. LAUGHTER You sound like Keir Starmer now. Let's have a look at this. And to think they were once bent on world domination. Let's have a look at the next one. GLENN: That the code to his shed is 1234. You know, I wasn't going to get that. This is part of an interview with a top woodturner, who says... Nice try, fella. GLENN: Paranoia. LAUGHTER PAUL: If you're having problems with solitude... I'm not sure you're going to get it, guys. LAUGHTER Yeah. JESS: It's true. We've all been there. Yeah, yeah, happens all the time. Nothing to be embarrassed about, lads. No. No. Finally... Be younger than you. LAUGHTER JESS: Wank than study. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'm the mother of teenage boys, so... Well, that's it, yeah, drag them into it. That's going to be great for them in school on Monday, isn't it? They'll both have to go with buckets on their head. That is true. No, they could do both. LAUGHTER The rise and fall of the Russian Empire! Unh! Julius Caesar! Oh! Is it more likely to do... Oh, you're going to try and answer it now, are you? Oh, right. This is new research which suggests that old-fashioned insults such as plonker and pillock are dying out amongst younger people. PAUL LAUGHS According to the research, also under threat is... Who incidentally were also the lawyers I used for my divorce. So the final scores are... Ian and Glenn have 3, Paul and Jess have 8! Well done. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING GLENN: I am so sorry. But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. PAUL: Don't look now, but that ashtray's taking the piss out of the way we look. LAUGHTER IAN: You're a hedge fund manager as well? LAUGHTER On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Glenn Moore, Paul Merton and Jess Phillips. And I leave you with news that after performing a successful sell-out show in Paris, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger celebrate by letting their hair down at a local nightclub. LAUGHTER That could be the two women from the British Museum there. At Labour Party headquarters, in the queue for the canteen, someone bumped into Wes Streeting with a tray of cucumbers. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And at a Lib Dem election fundraiser, it appears organisers may have misjudged the numbers of attendees as the lunchtime sandwich platter is put out. LAUGHTER Goodnight. CHEERING