-Enjoy yourself. Welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show." You're here.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, guys,
Halloween season has begun, and tomorrow is Friday the 13th. -Ooh.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you're worried about bad luck, don't be,
because, according to Trump, "people in Ohio
are eating all the black cats. All the bla--
all the cats are being eaten!" [ Laughter and applause ] Well, this is fun. Last night was
the 40th MTV Video Music Awards and they were --
It was great. There were great performances
from stars like Eminem, Sabrina Carpenter,
and Chappell Roan. Sadly, Snoop Dogg
couldn't be there because "people in Ohio
are eating all the dogs. All the dogs are being eat--
It's a..." [ Applause ] Well, this is going viral. During Sabrina Carpenter's
performance, she made out with an alien. Watch this. -♪ Been there,
done that once or twice ♪ ♪ Singing about it
don't mean I care ♪ ♪ I know I've been known
to share ♪ -Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, and that, kids, is how couples Halloween costumes
are born. [ Laughter ] She's in. Katy Perry also performed
last night, and people noticed
that she had a lower-back tattoo that was actually a QR code
to pre-order her album. [ Laughter ] Take a look at that.
Yeah, there you go. [ Laughter ] I think the trend
is catching on because President Biden
also got a QR code. [ Laughter ] And if you scan it, it goes to a website
that says, "If found, please guide back
to White House." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Well, everyone's still talking
about Taylor Swift's endorsement of Kamala Harris. And I saw that her campaign
is now selling their own friendship bracelets.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, and not to be outdone, Trump's campaign is now selling
friendship ankle monitors. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] [ Imitates ankle monitor
beeping ] -Well, get this, guys,
I read that 67 million people watched Tuesday night's
presidential debate. Yep, it might be
the first time in his life Trump was praying
for low ratings. [ Laughter ] Following his rough debate, Trump's inner circle
is now doing damage control. I'm sorry you work for
Donald Trump. When are you not
doing damage control? [ Laughter and applause ] It'd be weird...
Please. Meanwhile, Trump's still
convinced he won the debate and is even posting polls
from weird sites that claim he won 91% to 9%. [ Laughter ] But it makes sense 'cause that's
the same poll site that found that 99% of men
preferred the middle urinal. [ Laughter ] [ Rimshot ] -Come on, come on. -Of course, everyone's
been wondering whether... [ Laughter ] -Come on. -Everyone's been wondering whether Trump would accept
Harris's challenge for a second debate, and,
today, he said that he won't. -Ooh.
-Yeah. Harris wanted a second debate
with Trump, while Trump wanted
a second debate with Biden. [ Laughter ] And did you see this?
Ben and Jerry's just unveiled
the new Kamala Harris-inspired ice-cream flavor called
Coconut Jubilee. [ Laughter ] I have a feeling
Biden has madder about this than the election. He's like, "I love ice cream!" Meanwhile, Trump saw a pint
of Chunky Monkey and was like, "Now they're eating monkeys! When -- When does this end?
When does this end, you know?" [ Laughter ] Well, Republicans are worried
Trump's behavior towards Harris at the debate will hurt
him even more with women voters. In fact, one Republican pollster
said Trump came across like, "Your first husband's
divorce lawyer." [ Laughter ] Well, here to comment is
your first husband's divorce lawyer, Frank Klebbin.
-I don't care. I don't care. I don't care what you're
saying. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. We are going after her.
gym stocks, the Netflix account. We have to send a message. I will call you back.
I'm on "Kimmel" right now. Hey, Jimmy.
We're not just winning this, we are going to destroy her. -I'm not sure who
you're talking about. -That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter
if you know who I'm talking to. That's what keeps them
on their toes. I thrive in chaos. And in the courtroom,
that's my stage. Delay, delay, delay.
We're getting the potted plants. Every minute we spend
talking about your feelings is money in my pants pocket. Let her keep the silverware. We're gonna take
the steak knives. Don't tell me you're
still in love with her. Do you know what she did?
She ate the dog. She ate the cats.
She's eating the pets. -I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. What are we --
What are we talking about? -It doesn't matter, as long
as I just keep talking. Love is for greeting cards. What matters here
is asset liquidation. -I don't follow you.
What -- What do you think about
being compared to Trump? -Trump?
I don't care about Trump! Trump should've hired me! He's in the middle of a bitter
divorce from this country, and he's like one
of those crazy guys that insists upon
representing himself in court! "Oh, Your Honor,
in conclusion, I invoke habeas corpus
and Kaiser Permanente and Roe versus Dwyane Wade." He's crazy. I'm not. Did you just say
the word "compromise"? -No.
-Good. 'Cause compromise is for people
with something to lose. We will burn down the house
before we split one photo album. -Your first husband's
divorce lawyer, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow. -I said don't call me here.
Don't call me here. Don't call me here. -He's immediately
back on the phone. Well, switching gears,
this is exciting. Today, SpaceX completed the
first all-civilian spacewalk. -Ooh.
-Yeah. It was pretty cool.
Here's a photo of it. Hmm. I don't know
if that's a spacewalk or astronaut whac-a-mole.
[ Laughter ] Imagine going
all the way to space, then finding out
the aliens are at the VMAs. [ Laughter ] Well, guys,
"Wheel of Fortune" began with new host Ryan Seacrest
this week. We like Ryan, and we
mentioned this the other night, but to contend
with their younger vibe, I think "Jeopardy!" is trying
to seem younger and cooler, too.
-Really? -Yeah.
Just check out some of the categories
from tonight's show. Look at -- does this seem odd? First, there's "Thirst Traps
of the Renaissance." Then there was
"Bussin' Potables." There's also "It's Giving...
World History." Next there's
"Delulu Dictators." Next, there's "'Mid'
Mid-century Architecture." And lastly there's
"Thicc First Ladies." I mean, just...
[ Laughter ] -Wow. [ Applause ] [ Higgins laughing ]
-Guys, uh... Guys, finally, I heard that the $1.1 billion
Mega Millions jackpot won six months ago in New Jersey still hasn't been claimed. -Ooh.
-It's Jersey, so that leaves
two possibilities. Either the ticket's missing
or the guy is. We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots! -♪ You play that again
and we're back to work ♪ ♪ Got time off,
other rappers work ♪ ♪ Due to the fact they wack,
so they track ♪ ♪ Gon' have to go back
and stack ♪ ♪ They lack the ingredients ♪ ♪♪ -Hey! Guys, quick... -Quick reminder
that tomorrow night, Friday the 13th...
-Ooh. Is the night
that the entire sports world has been waiting for. I challenged DJ Khaled
to a golf match. But not just any golf match. This one is
four...holes...long. [ Laughter ] And the winner takes
home a red cardigan sweater. Of course, I'm talking
about the "Cardigan Classic." [ Cheers and applause ] And if you can't wait
until tomorrow, here's a sneak peak. -"Cardigan Classic." When Fallon called me out,
I had to represent. -This is bigger than anything
that's ever been done. DJ Khaled,
are you ready for me to just end this right now? -All I do is win. -[ Yells ] [ Cheers and applause ] Tomorrow night,
11:35 on NBC. It's the "Cardigan Classic,"
where the champions go. [ Cheers and applause ] Where the champ--
That's it's logo? "Where the champions go"?
-Yeah, the "Cardigan Classic. Where the champions go." [ Cheers and applause ] What camera was I pointing at? Yeah.
-There you go. Try it again. Do it. You got it. Tariq, do you want to
just say cardigan? -I do.
-Yeah, go for it, Tariq. -The "Cardigan Classic. Where the champions go." -Yeah, that's right!
It feels good. You want to say, Higgins? Higgins wants to say, too. -The "Cardigan Classic.
Where the champions go." -Yeah, that's good. You guys all want to say it? One, two, three. -The "Cardigan Classic.
Where the champions go." -That's what I'm talking
about! DJ Khaled and I
will see you on the course. -Wow. [ Cheers and applause ] -But first, what
a show we have for you tonight. She is an Oscar-winning actor who stars in the new film
"The Wild Robot," which is in theaters and IMAX
September 27th. Lupita Nyong'o is here. [ Cheers and applause ] We love Lupita. She is a Grammy Award-winning
performer who you can see
in the new series "The Penguin," which premieres
September 19th on HBO and Max. Cristin Milioti is joining us. [ Cheers and applause ] And we got great music
from Talib Kweli! [ Cheers and applause ] Talib Kweli and J. Rawls. That's my dude. Guys, I am so sorry if
I seem a little scatterbrained. I had a terrible nightmare
last night -- or should I say Tonightmare. [ Thunder crashes,
woman screams ] I was wandering
through a giant warehouse. There were boxes everywhere! But the boxes --
they seemed to be m-moving! I heard a scream. I rushed
to the manager's office, and through the window,
I saw him being attacked by a humanoid robot! That's when I put
two and two together. Every box had a robot,
and every robot was going rogue! I-I turned around, a-and one of
the robots was right behind me! It picked me up with one hand,
and it said -- It said -- It said... ..."Can't wait for
Jimmy Fallon's Tonightmares," an immersive
haunted maze experience at Rockefeller Center." It's open September 20th
through Halloween, and tickets are available now at
JimmyFallonsTonightmares.com. See my Tonightmares
become your reality. Now stick around. We'll be
right back with more "Ton--" -[ Screams ] [ Muzak plays ] ♪♪ -[Robotic voice]
Stick around. There is more "Tonight Show"
after the break. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. -Welcome back to
"The Tonight Show," everybody, where the champions go. It is the end of the week,
and that's usually when I catch up
on some personal stuff. I check my inbox,
return some e-mails. -[ Audience member claps ]
-Thank you. And, uh, uh --
We're not gonna do the bit "Return Some E-Mails" tonight.
-Oh. What? -No, unfortunately. No. We're
not doing "Check My Inbox." Not tonight.
-What? Not tonight? -Tonight we're gonna do a new
thing called "Thank You Notes." Hello!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Wow!
-James... James. Hellur! James, can I get some Thank You
Note writing music, please? Hellur. ♪♪ -Wow!
-There he is. Classic. [ Laughs ]
-That's where the champions go. -Here we go. That's what
I'm talking about. Here we go. [ Chuckles ] ♪♪ Thank you, the phrase
"it's raining cats and dogs" for being something
that Trump definitely believes actually happened.
It's... [as Trump] "Falling from... Puppies landing
on your umbrellas! And it's very interesting." -[as Trump]
"I saw it on TV." [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Thank you,
Travis Kelce at the US Open, for looking like
an undercover cop about to ask a bunch
of high-schoolers if they have any "grass." [ Laughter ] "I'm cool like you.
Come on." -"Come on, bro."
-"Come on, bro." "Where's the grass?
Where's all the grass?" -Yeah. Right.
[ Chuckles ] "You friends smoking some
of that funny stuff? Yeah." -"Just tell me. I don't know." -"I don't care!" ♪♪ -Thank you, cider donuts, for being
the 2,000-calorie reward I deserve after picking
two apples. [ Muttering ] [ Applause ] Worth it. ♪♪ -Thank you, people who say,
"You're gonna love this story," before telling a story, for warning me that
I better be ready to fake-laugh. [ Laughter ] -Ha ha! -I guess so. ♪♪ Thank you, picture of Trump during the commercial break
at the debate... [ Laughter ] ...for looking like
the Starbucks employee who has to make all
the pumpkin spice lattes. [ Laughter ] "Whew! Yeah! Venti! Venti! Yeah!" [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Thank you, butternut squash
and spaghetti squash, for being how I pack my suitcase
before vacation... and how I pack after a vacation. [ Laughter ] "We're getting out of here! We had a great one!
Real relaxing!" -"I didn't buy anything!" -"Three hours..." ♪♪ Thank you, bar trivia,
for being a place where smart people can get drunk
and drunk people can act smart. There you go.
Those are my Thank You Notes! We'll be right back with more
"Tonight Show," everybody!