Welcome to The Daily Show. So nice to see you tonight. My name is Jon Stewart. And we have an unbelievable
show for you tonight. Next week, obviously, we're
gonna have the big debate show. But tonight, we're
gonna start-- we're gonna get a
quick state of play on this incredibly
consequential presidential election. I guess the election
has basically boiled down to each
candidate accusing the other of having soup-- [LAUGHTER] --where there should be brain. [LAUGHTER] There is plenty of
fodder for the attacks. For instance, for
President Biden, it is his habit of
seemingly staring at what can only be considered ghosts
or out-of-frame paratroopers. And then, when he's
pulled back into frame, somehow giving the
impression someone has just quantum
leaped into his body. Is that-- is that-- no, don't
look directly at the sun, sir. That would-- [LAUGHTER] Now, and as for
Trump, basically it's Trump tripping over
his own dick any time he tries to capitalize
on Biden's age. Like this weekend, Trump
appeared at the Herbalife of political conventions,
Turning Point USA, where Trump articulated
his case for having best brainful neurons smart. [LAUGHTER] Joe Biden has no plan. He's got absolutely no plan. He doesn't even know what
the word "inflation" means. Oooh! Oh, you didn't! No! [LAUGHTER] Oh! Joe Biden's so dumb,
he thinks inflation is a rise in the overall price
level for goods and services in the economy as
measured by the consumer price index over time. Oh, shit! Oh! [APPLAUSE] It turns out that
is what it is. I'm sorry. I'm being told that
is what inflation is. But still--
[LAUGHTER] --you tell them,
Donny T. The case he's making to the
American public is that he's the sharpest
tool in the shed. See if you can find
the flaw in his logic just one sentence later. I don't think-- if
you gave him a quiz-- I think he should take a
cognitive test like I did. I took a cognitive
test, and I aced it. Doc Ronny-- Doc Ronny Johnson-- does everyone know
Ronny Johnson, congressman from Texas? (IMITATING TRUMP)
Ronny Johnson. [LAUGHTER] Acing that cognitive
test is a great point, if only his doctor was
actually named Ronny Johnson-- [LAUGHTER] --and not actually
named Ronny Jackson. He got the guy's name wrong
on his cognitive test. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERING] I don't even know what to say. [APPLAUSE] Well, here's the problem. The sad thing is,
under MAGA law, his name is now Ronny Johnson. [LAUGHTER] This is the way. But those aren't the
only comments Trump seems to have spit the bid on. Just weeks before he heads
to the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee,
he called Milwaukee, quote, "a horrible city," forcing
liberals around the country to defend Milwaukee. [LAUGHTER] A city they then had to
pretend to have been to. [LAUGHTER] Ooh, Milwaukee's the finest
city in, I want to say, Indiana. [LAUGHTER] But don't worry
because Donald Trump cleared the whole thing up. Well, I think it was
very clear what I meant. I said we're very
concerned with crime. I love Milwaukee. I have great friends
in Milwaukee. But it's-- as you know, the
crime numbers are terrible, and we have to be very careful. Yes. Lots of criminals in Milwaukee. Are you talking about now, sir,
or when you and your felonious friends come to town? [LAUGHTER] N/A N/A In the script, it just says,
Jon turns and makes dumb face. [LAUGHTER] That's what I did. I made a dumb face. [APPLAUSE] Anyway, it's a good save
by former President Trump. The city's great. He loves Milwaukee. It's the dang
Democrat-encouraged crime. It's one of the right's
favorite talking points, not just for Milwaukee, but
for all Democratic-run cities, that those cities are
crime-infested shitholes, where life is miserable and
everyone hates everybody. But people who live
in these cities know that this rhetoric
is only kind of true. Now-- [LAUGHTER] --and when people who don't
live in these cities say it, it's very annoying. And by the way,
it does turn out that crime is actually down. The FBI reporting the
nation's violent crime rate has dropped
dramatically this year. REPORTER: Overall, violent
crime down 15% from last year. Murders down 26%. By every national
metric, crime is down. Solid trend. [LAUGHTER] Crime is down. It's all a misunderstanding. But now that the
FBI numbers are out, I'm sure that the right-wing
media will adjust accordingly. Quality of life
is not captured in any of the FBI numbers. And if you live in a blue city,
walk outside and use your eyes. [LAUGHTER] You should use
your [BLEEP] eyes. Do you even see
over your shoulder? They were doing double
donuts in a parking lot. [LAUGHTER] That's like the Cirque
du Soleil of automobiles. That's not crime. That's art. [LAUGHTER] Oh, but I'm sorry. You were downplaying
the crime statistics? Now they say
there's no crime wave. But do you feel safe? It doesn't feel that way. It certainly doesn't feel
that way for the average American today. Democrats will say,
well, but crime is down. That's not how people feel. Yeah. As the right always
famously says, feelings don't care
about your facts. [LAUGHTER] [BLEEP] your facts. Isn't that the
slogan on the right? Now, you know-- [CHEERING] --it's very interesting. It does bring up a
good point, though. If crime is down so
much, why do people, especially on the right,
feel like it's up? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] Oh. [LAUGHTER] The crime graphic is-- mmm. I hadn't really calculated
slope in a while, but it seems like the x-axis
is moving into the nosebleeds, while the y-axis is being
tied down and sodomized. I'm sure that-- I'm sure that's just a
one-off and not your network's entire programming. Another day, another stream
of brazen, violent crimes. REPORTER: The havoc being
wreaked upon America, undoubtedly coming to a
town or city near you. Blatant and outrageous crimes
occurring on a daily basis, coast to coast. You're seeing that in
Chicago and New York. These Democrat-run cities-- There's so much
crime in the city. I can't comprehend
how people live there. New York is now this
dystopian hellhole of crime and violence. [LAUGHTER] N/A Is now a dystopian hellhole? You're just figuring that
out now, you big puss? Oh, I'm sorry. Is Times Square Elmo
too scary for you? Because Times Square
Elmo, he comes at you. Are you-- are you scared
of Times Square Elmo because he punches
back, unlike all the other Elmos
who let you tickle them with no consequences? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, New York's a
dystopian hellhole. That and the bagels and
pizza is why we move here. But, of course-- [CHEERING] N/A Of course, there is one
particular type of crime that conservatives seem
especially scared about. Mark, why do I keep seeing
people pushing other people onto the train tracks? [LAUGHTER] Not that.
That's not a crime. That's-- OK. I get that. So the pushing onto
the train tracks, that's just a misunderstanding. Here's what's happening. So we do have people
in the subways who are there to try to
help other passengers onto the train. [LAUGHTER] But sometimes the
train isn't there yet. [LAUGHTER] It's not malevolent. It's just early. [LAUGHTER] But I was actually talking
about another type of crime. People are getting shot in
the face every single day. You can literally get
shot anywhere in the city. We have people getting
shot in the subway. People are getting
shot out on the street. Go out for a loaf of bread,
you end up getting shot. (IMITATING TRUMP)
Yeah, you get shot. [LAUGHTER] New Yorkers haven't had
a sandwich in 12 years. Just an egg parm,
loose in the hands. [LAUGHTER] First of all, I'm surprised
Trump is scared of guns at all, considering he thinks
they sound like this. We had our beautiful
marine standing there-- bing, bing, bing, bing. You know, in the old
days, bing, bong. [LAUGHTER] Bing-bong. Bing-bong. Bing, bing, bing. I would pay good money to hear
Trump describe the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. Bing, bing, bing. And then the Nazis-- bong, bong. Bong, bong. Nobody can get bread. Bong, bong, bong. Bing, bing. But the point is, if you
leave your house in New York, you will be shot dead. [LAUGHTER] To all of our
audience members, I'm glad you chose to have
your last moments with us. But sadly-- [CHEERING] Sadly, I must bid you a
melancholy, a bing-bong. [LAUGHTER] Bing, bing, bing. [LAUGHTER] Now, all of this, by
the way, is not to say that gun crime does not exist. Of course it does. And some cities are
worse than others. But here's the thing, and I
say this with all due respect-- the balls of these right-wing
mother-[BLEEP] talking about how there's too much gun crime
and chaos in our Democratic cities, when Republicans
are the ones who've enabled the flood of illegal
weaponry into our cities in the first place. [APPLAUSE] That's right. So don't get your little
panties in a bunch. Here's something
you want to know. 93% of the illegal guns used
in crimes in New York City aren't from here. They, like theater
majors, have come here to make a name for themselves. The guns come from states
like Florida and Georgia and South Carolina, where
the gun laws are lax. And trust me, Florida is not
sending us their best guns. [LAUGHTER] They're bringing guns for
drugs and crime and rapists. And some, I assume,
are good guns. [LAUGHTER] And try as we might
to put up some border controls to stem this invasion,
this flood of literally undocumented weapons,
Republicans fight every attempt to bring some kind of
order and even passed laws to increase the chaos. Look at all the laws and
things that they've done. In 2005, they passed a law
that effectively protects gun dealers and the
gun manufacturers from being held liable for
where their guns end up. They also try and make
sure that terrorists and felons can still get guns. And just recently,
they made sure that they can turn
those guns into machine guns with bump stocks. They make it impossible to
study the effects of guns. They make it impossible
to track the illegal guns. They fight [BLEEP] everything. You want to know
how cynical it is? You remember this guy-- this guy, Congressman
Andrew Clyde from Georgia. He loves to go on TV
and talk about crime in Democratic cities. Republicans have always been
the party of law and order. And what you have seen
is the massive increases in crime have been primarily
at Democrat-run cities. Yeah. It turns out while he was
complaining about the uptick in gun crimes in New York
City, he himself was fighting added scrutiny on gun
stores, like the two that he owns that have
been implicated in over 25 gun crimes since 2020. Why would they do this? There must be a reason, right? Because the right always tells
us there's no coincidences. Right? Isn't that what we're
told all the time? It's almost as though
Republicans must have a secret plan for this,
funded by their billionaires, to flood our cities with
illegal, undocumented guns, pouring them over
our state borders in the hopes of killing off
reliable Democratic voters-- the "Great
Displacement Theory." [LAUGHTER] That is obviously
what's happening. And no honest person
would think otherwise. So there's only
one real solution. Unfortunately, for the
borders of Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina,
we have to-- what's the word? CROWD: (CHANTING)
Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall! [APPLAUSE] Bing-bong!