recent interviews that me and Emma have been doing for love is blind people keep asking us you know what is the secret to a successful relationship and I really don't think I'm qualified to answer those questions you know I kind of s like think to myself really quickly about something I can say oh honesty is really important or you know tolerance or something you know but um I really kind of gave it a real thought you know I really sat down and thought about it for a couple of hours this week and um and I wrote some stuff you know so I'm going to read it out you know I'm going to I'm going to talk to you guys as well whilst I read it out cuz I probably embarrass myself about what I've written but I've written some stuff down so I apologize if this is a bit soy I'm trying not to be as soy as I um as I can be but um but I apologize in advance if this is a bit thr up in your mouth but here we go um right first subject what doesn't kill us makes us stronger you know we've all heard that but I think in relationships that's really really true you know it's not always easy you know but you really don't get good you really don't get let me start again what doesn't kill us makes us stronger you know we've all heard though that term and I think this really Rings true in relationships you know relationships are not always easy but you really don't get the good without the tough stuff and the hard times the tough times really help you grow and become better in a relationship you know I think the thing that I've learned is the person you fall in love with will not remain the same and that's scary to say out loud right because we're like what do you mean by that but I mean the person I fell in love with and the person Emma fell in love with we're not the same people now you know we are I suppose partly the same person but we've we've been together 20 years now so we have grown we've changed we've kind of we've evolved you know we're still the same essence of the same person we were when we met but thank God I have changed quite a lot in last 20 years you know so I think that's okay you know we will change we will grow hopefully for the better but it will change um you always hear that you really can never change someone but I think someone can change themselves and that will sometimes be a big adjustment in a relationship and you can fall in love over and over again with that person that's what is so great about change I think it's not it's not terrifying it's like you get to find new aspects of each other's personality as they emerge which is exciting you know I find new things out about Emer all the time she finds new weird quirks about me you know and I still love them all you know it's like um it's like nothing really is going to come out of the woodwork that's going to make me go oh we have very different values on that you know we do have disagreements about things we do think about things differently but that's what makes people people interesting um another thing I hear is that relationships are 50/50 I don't think that's true you know sometimes one of you has 20% and it's the other person's time to pick up the 80% for a while you know until the other person has 50 or the other person has 80 and you have 20 and sometimes you both have 20 you know and that's when you have to really work through something you know but that's that's relationships I think you know we can't always be superheroes we have to understand that we're going to go through patches where we're going to be struggling you know we're going to go through times when things are going to you know get to us you know and um and that's and it always surprises me how we come out of those times you know like hard times they don't they don't have to break you you know they can make you stronger you know I think we always think of failure as this you know oh my but I failed you know but from everything I failed at I've learned something massive you know and when every time I failed in a in my relationship like I failed her you know or I failed my family I've learned from that and I try to be better from it you know um luckily those don't happen as much anymore because I don't have drink and Drugs in my life anymore and I think that's been a massive turning point for me you know and I mean obviously it's completely changed my life and my relationships massively but I think you know when we're dealing with addiction I don't think we can truly love another person or ourselves when we are in active addiction because we have so much focus and attention going on to that you know it rolls our life it runs everything you know and I think once we can remove that and we can remove that you know it's I see it all the time you know I'm I'm I know I'm proof of that you know there was times in my life when I couldn't couldn't get a grip on it you know I could not ever see not drinking and using and now I don't think about drinking and using ever you know I I'm I the thought never enters my head you know that I think a drink would be a good idea that just does not enter my head now so we can as long as we put the practice in we can you know be in recovery you know and I think that's really massive um right second subject second subject is honesty you know I've talked about this a few times in this podcast I think I try to live this is through a 12-step program you know I try to live a very honest life like for instance I was recently playing golf with a mate of mine and he's in recovery and I was vaping on the golf course and he was like do your wife know you do that and I was like no you know I only do it when I'm at golf and I do it when I'm with the band so you know I don't do at home or or around my family or anything he's like so you lie about it I like well no I don't don't lie about it I just don't talk about it it's like see so you're holding something from people you're you're keeping a secret and um I was like yes I am and I knew I was doing it I bloody well knew it you know I was hiding it I was um I was being deceiving and bloody I love it God that little thing you know it became like um it's so ridiculous man it's a little piece of plastic and it became like a like an adult dummy to me you know I couldn't take the thing out of my mouth you know I am I'm I I have these nicotine pouches which I'm obsessed with right which are these little things and um and they're in a little box and their little kind of pouch it's got some nicotine in it which I heard isn't as bad for you as smoking or vaping I'm sure it's going to kill me in some other way but um I forgot them when I um when I picked up a box and I went to rehearsal and um and with the band and I only had one in the box and I was freaking out cuz I was I was like oh my god I've got no nicotine oh my god I've got no nicotine cuz I'm a addict and um and uh there was a vape on the side cuz we we have um other people within our crew and band who vape and um and I was like oh I just use that today and before I knew it I was doing three to four a day of these disposable Vapes just like boom bom bom bom bom I was even doing on stage you know I was walking to the back of the stage and vaping thinking no one could see me I've got 20,000 people in the audience and I'm secretly vaping at the back thinking now see me it's complete addict Behavior um I'd wake up in the middle of the night and go for a Wii and vape in the toilet in my hotel room on my own you know and then go try and go back to sleep what an absolute crazy thing to do you know and um and uh so it all kind of dawned to me what I was doing um when he called me out for it and that's why having friends and Recovery is so good because they don't stand for your you know they're like o oi what's that you know and I do that to other people and I think that's important because otherwise we can become you know tricked by our own our own little addict brain and look look when it comes down to it you know compared to doing class A drugs every day vaping ain't that bad but I don't want to do it and I was doing it and I didn't want to tell people about it so it wasn't good you know so I had to address that and I had to tell them and I was like babe I've been addicted to this bloody Vape I'm sorry I'm going to put it down I'm never going to vape again and um and she knew you know she she knew she was like babe I find them in the wash you know I you know and she had bought it out to me once before but I was like oh I just do it a little bit on tour like when when I didn't love my negative so I'm just lying you know so um I think um that was another little bang on the head about honesty you know and um and I owned up to it and I haven't Vaped now for couple of months two months something like that and um I do miss it it's delicious God damn it um everything I love kills me you know apart from the people I love you know so honesty is a really important thing um right I think that honesty is the Cornerstone of a good relationship if I'm honest uh it's like you build a relationship to a point where you're not scared to be honest with each other which is huge right because you know I think in the early days of relationship you can be scared to kind of show your true self but I think you become honest within a relationship and the relationship it comes gets to a point where you feel free to be completely authentic with them even in disagreements right you both know you love each other right so arguments don't become slagging matches they are more of an opportunity to explore the others opinion as you want to understand them more that's what I was thinking about I was like we don't have arguments because we're like you like that doesn't happen anymore you know we're like whoa whoa whoa what what's that about you know I feel like this and you feel like that that's weird you know let's try and rectify this because I want to hear you I want to understand you and I want you to hear and understand me you know which is a very different conversation to what we used to have um look this isn't always easy right because we are people are different and that's what makes them interesting you know me and Emma disagree about things but I want to resolve issues rather than always be right I think there's a story out there that goes that relationships should be perfect but nothing really is nothing's really perfect you know l life is struggle but you can grow together relationships are tough sometimes it gets less so even if your connection is really strong you still have to kind of learn how to love someone and that is easier when you're not hating yourself