I meant behind my back wow yeah or maybe behind my other back wow or possibly behind both backs at the same time wow go ahead I'll wait now unfortunately I do not perform any of those tricks no way those are way too hard if I wanted to do something hard I'd get a real job yeah that wasn't joke was it I had a real job once it took up too much of my time left me too tired to do anything fun and gave me headaches plus they wanted me to be there every day yeah I used to work at a natural food market and people would ask me at least twice a week harmless do you eat natural foods and I would tell them the truth no I do not I've never in my life eaten natural food and I never intend to ask me why why do you have any idea how many people die every year from natural causes yeah I looked it up scared me half to death now luckily my diet consists almost exclusively of Oreos twinkies and Dr Pepper I have so many preservatives in me I may never die I really hope that's how it works now it's time for five Ball Juggling five balls don't believe it's five balls just count them for yourself take your time sir very good that took you a half second longer than I thought it would but yeah I didn't mean to put you on the spot I thought it was an easy question here we go five Ball Juggling they said that it could not be done with a smile I set right to it I tackled the thing that could not be done I could not do it turns out it's really difficult so I practiced five Ball Juggling clap quick short [Music] trick thank you now we're going to go for duration that means it's going to last longer okay yeah counting Counting took you a second I don't want you getting lost in the vocabulary here we go five balls for duration in three 2 1 thank you hoay now toward object number two for the terrible torture Trio Grand Finale the double-bladed fire axe the great thing about the fire axe it's a medical Marvel it automatically cauterizes any wound it inflicts it's safe for kids fun for the whole family take yours home today that's torture object number two but first a word from our sponsor do you have problems with unsightly facial hair yeah I sure do friends call you wolf man behind your back yeah sure of going to the theater and finding your nose hairs annoy the person in front of you absolutely well I know I am that's why I use Burns it off Burns it off is not a powder it's not a cream it's a simple petroleum oil available at your local Apothecary to help start your campfire one single application removes unsightly facial hair forever replacing it with smoooth unblemished Scar Tissue okay now what I'm about to do is dangerous and I do want to make sure that all the children in the audience know you never ever play with fire at home right kids yeah right always go to the home of a friend or neighbor try Grandma she'll let you do pretty much anything right Grandma we're going to start a fire I'll get the marshmallows H now look in all seriousness the queen made me promise to make you promise never to play with fire so everyone please raise your right hand and repeat after me I will never I will never okay hands down there's a lot of you not participating out there folks this is just an oath okay you don't have to mean it Al together now I will never I will never ever ever everever for any reason for any reason under any circumstances under any circumstance even if somebody dares me too cuz I'm a sucker for a dare and I always go for it a lot of times I get in trouble sometimes I know in advance I'm going to get trouble but then I do it anyway I don't know why I do stuff like that it's probably a mental disorder it's going to last me the rest of my life if I look to be old like really old like a thousand or really really old like maybe even as old as Merlin gra beard sliced bread or dirt what that mental disorder what that guy said you can't scroll to the bottom and click agree verbally all right you know what we're going to leave that part out I will never I will never play with fire I promise yeah good enough for me have fun out there now if you've ever seen anyone juggle fire before you've probably noticed a couple really important things number one they almost always catch this end okay who laughed that's not a joke that's fire safety look you have to understand step one day one this end is hot this is not catch this end there's really no problem at all that's a lot of problems take my word for you'll never see anybody like one Torch from another torch like that because that sets your hand on fire and of course it would take a real idiot to put this stuff in their mouth but I'm a fake idiot with a real mustache that I'd like to [Laughter] keep what's that the Statue of Liberty jugl thank you I know it's the wrong hand but it's my show not hers an answer to the age-old musical question why don't jugglers have hair on their legs hair on their legs I don't know hair on their legs why don't jugglers have hair on their legs this song needs an chaa yeah and who could forget the fabulous flaming fool trick go okay okay look I can tell by the extraordinarily delayed response just now do it again that many of you good people must have missed that so against my better judgment let's see it again in slow motion yeah wait really yeah do it here we go slowing it down for you hey oh [Music] fabulous [Applause] laming still good thank you I'll see you on the other side [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah Lords ladies and every human in between that was the harmless danger juggling show now clap as loud as you feel like clapping