The Handmaid's Tale Chapter 39

foreign chapter 39 the commander has a room key he got it from the front desk while I waited on the flowered sofa he shows it to me shyly I am to understand we ascended the glass half egg of the elevator past the vine drape balconies I'm to understand also that I'm on display he unlocks the door of the room everything is the same the very same as it was once upon a time the drapes are the same the heavy flowered ones that match the bed spread orange poppies on royal blue and the thin white ones to draw against the Sun the burrow and the bedside tables square cornered and personal the lamps the pitches on the walls fruit in the bowl stylized apples flowers in the Voss buttercups and Devil's paint brushes key to the drapes all is the same I told the commander just a minute and go into the bathroom my ears are ringing from the smoke the Gin has filled me with lassitude I would have washed cloth and press it to my forehead after a while I'll look to see if there are any little bars of soap in individual wrappers there are the kind with the Gypsy on them from Spain I breathe in the soap smell the disinfectant smell and stand in the white bathroom listening to the distant sounds of water running until it's being flushed in a strange way I feel comforted at home there's something reassuring about the toilets bodily functions at least remain Democratic everybody shits as moita would say I sit on the edge of the bathtub gazing at the blank towels once they would have excited me they would have meant the aftermath of love I saw your mother moida said where I said I feel jolted thrown off I realized I'd been thinking of her as dead not in person it was in that film they showed us about the colonies there was a close-up it was hurl Albright she was wrapped up in one of those gray things but I know it was her thank God I said why thank God said Moira I thought she was dead she might as well be said Moira you should wish it for her I can't remember the last time I saw her it Blends in with all the others it was some trivial occasion she must have dropped by she did that she breathed in and out of my house as if I were the mother and she were the child she still had that jauntedness sometimes when she was between Apartments just moving into one or just moving out she'd use my wash to dry for her laundry maybe she'd come over to borrow something from me a pot a hair dryer that too was a habit of hers I didn't know it would be the last time or else I would have remembered it better I can't even remember what we said A week later two weeks three weeks when things had become suddenly so much worse I try to call her but there was no answer and no answer when I tried again she hadn't told me she was going anywhere but then maybe she wouldn't have she didn't always she had her own car and she wasn't too old to drive finally got the apartment superintendent on the phone he said he hadn't seen her lately I was worried I thought maybe she had a heart attack or a stroke it wasn't out of the out of the question though she hadn't been sick that I knew of she was always so healthy she still worked out at natalus and went swimming every two weeks I used to tell my friends she was healthier than I was and maybe it was true Luca drove across into the City and Luke bullied the superintendent into opening up the apartment she could be dead on the floor Luke said the longer you leave it the worse it'll be you thought of the smell the superintendent said something about needing a permit but Luke could be persuasive he made it clear we weren't going to wait or go away I started to cry maybe that was what finally did it when the man got the door open what we found was chaos there was Furniture overturned the mattress was ripped open bureau drawers upside down on the floor their content strewn and mounded but my mother my mother wasn't there I'm going to call the police I said I'd stop crying I felt cold from head to foot my teeth were chattering don't said Luke why not I said I was glaring at him I was angry now he stood there in the wreck of the living room just looking at me he put his hands in his pockets one of those aimless gestures people make when they don't know what else to do just don't is what he said your mother's neat and what I would say when we were at College later she's got Pizzazz later still she's cute she's not cute I would say she's my mother jeez said Moira you would have seen mine I think of my mother sweeping up deadly toxins the weather used to use up old women in Russia sweeping dirt only the disturb will kill her I can't quite believe it surely her Cockiness her optimism and energy her Pizzazz will get her out of this she will think of something but I know this isn't true it is just passing the book as children do to mothers I've mourned her for her already but I will do it again and again I bring myself back to here to the Hotel this is where I need to be now in this ample mirror under the white light I take a look at myself it's a good look slow and level I'm a rep the mascara has smudged again despite Morty's repairs their purplish lipstick has bled hair Trails aimlessly the molting Peak feathers are tawdry as Carnival dolls and some of these Starry sequins have come off probably they were off to begin with and I didn't notice I'm a travesty and bad makeup in someone else's clothes use Glitz I wish I had a toothbrush I could stand here and think about it but time is passing I must be back at the house before midnight otherwise I will turn into a pumpkin or was that the coach tomorrow is a ceremony according to the calendar so tonight Serena wants me serviced and if I'm not there she'll find out why and then what and the commander for a change is waiting I can hear him pacing in the main room now he pauses outside the bathroom door clears his throat a staggy um I turn on the hot water tap to signify Readiness or something approaching it I should get this over with I wash my hands I must be beware of inertia when I come out he's lying down on the king-sized bed with I note his shoes off I lie down beside him I don't have to be told I would rather not but it's good to lie down I'm so tired alone at last I think the fact is that that I don't want to be alone with him not on a bed I'd rather have Serena there too I'd rather play Scrabble but my silence does not deter him tomorrow isn't it he says Softly I thought we could jump the gun he turns towards me why did you bring me here I said coldly he's stroking my body now from stem as they say to stem cat stroke along the Left Flank down the left leg he stops at the foot his fingers encircling the ankle briefly like a bracelet where the tattoo is a breath he can read a cattle brand it means ownership I remind myself that he is not an unkind man that under other circumstances I even like him his hand pauses I thought you might enjoy it for a change he knows that isn't enough I guess it was a sort of experiment that isn't enough either you said you wanted to know he sets up begins to unbutton will this be worse to have him denuded of all his cloth power he's down to assure then under it sadly a little belly wisp of hair he pulls down one of my straps slides his other hand in among the feathers but it's no good I lie there like a dead bird he's not a monster I think I can't afford Pride or aversion there are all kinds of things that have to be discarded under the circumstances maybe I should turn the lights out says the commander dismayed and no doubt disappointed I see him for a moment before he does without his uniform he looks smaller older like something being dried the trouble is that I can't be with him any different from the way I usually am with him usually I'm inert surely there must be something here for us other than this utility and bathos fake it I scream at myself inside my head you must remember how let's get this over with or you'll be here all night best stir yourself move your flesh around breathe audibly it's the least you can do