WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AND ALL
IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
MAKE NO MISTAKE. WE ARE LIVE RIGHT NOW!
COMING TO YOU FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AFTER THE
FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. HARRIS V. TRUMP.
KAMALA VERSUS THE TRAUMA-LA. DONALD VERSUS HIS OWN MOUTH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL, BUT I HAD SO MANY EMOTIONS
COMING INTO TONIGHT'S DEBATE. ANXIETY BASED EMOTIONS.
FEAR, HUNGRY. "FUNGRY."
UNLIKE THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BACK IN JUNE, THIS TIME
THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE WAS ABLE TO WALK OUT TO THE
STAGE WITHOUT PAUSING FOR A NAP. IT WAS HARRIS' FIRST
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, THOUGH, WHILE IT WAS TRUMP'S
SEVENTH PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
"PRACTICE MAKES B-B-B-B-B."
SHE CAME IN NEEDING TO RATTLE HIS CAGE.
NOW THAT IT IS OVER, THEY'RE STILL LOOKING FOR PIECES
OF HIS CAGE IN LOW ORBIT. HARRIS GOT UNDER HIS SKIN LIKE
SHE WAS STUFFING IN BUTTER AND ROSEMARY.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. BY THE END OF THE DEBATE,
THE MEAT WAS FALLING OFF THE BONE.
KAMALA HARRIS CAME OUT SWINGIN'. >> LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT DONALD
TRUMP LEFT US. DONALD TRUMP LEFT US
THE WORST UNEMPLOYMENT SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
DONALD TRUMP LEFT US THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH EPIDEMIC
IN A CENTURY. DONALD TRUMP LEFT US THE WORST
ATTACK ON OUR DEMOCRACY SINCE THE CIVIL WAR.
>> Stephen: HONESTLY, YOU HAD ME AT "DONALD TRUMP LEFT US."
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING] TRUMP FOR HIS PART
TRIED TO TALK ABOUT HOW HE HANDLED THE COVID ECONOMY.
>> WE MADE VENTILATORS FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD.
WE GOT GOWNS. WE GOT MASKS.
WE DID THINGS THAT NOBODY THOUGHT POSSIBLE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY TRUE.
BEFORE TRUMP, NO ONE THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE TO INJECT BLEACH.
THEN, TRUMP HAD A WEIRD SUMMARY OF HARRIS'S POLICIES.
>> SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PLAN. SHE COPIED BIDEN'S PLAN,
AND IT'S, LIKE, FOUR SENTENCES LIKE, "RUN SPOT RUN".
>> Stephen: "WHEREAS, HERS IS RUN SPOT RUN.
WHEREAS MY PLAN IS "SEE SPOT DICK JANE."
AT ONE POINT, TRUMP MADE THE INTERESTING POINT THAT HARRIS
HAS NO POINT OF VIEW, STOLE HIS POINT OF VIEW,
AND ALSO, SHE'S A RADICAL COMMUNIST.
>> I DON'T SAY "HER" BECAUSE SHE HAS NO POLICY.
EVERYTHING SHE HAS BELIEVED THREE YEARS AGO AND FOUR YEARS
AGO IS OUT THE WINDOW. SHE'S GOING TO MY PHILOSOPHY.
IN FACT, I WAS GOING TO SEND HER A MAGA HAT.
SHE'S GONE TO MY PHILOSOPHY. BUT IF SHE EVER GOT ELECTED,
SHE WOULD CHANGE IT AND IT WOULD BE THE END OF OUR COUNTRY.
SHE'S A MARXIST. EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE'S
A MARXIST. >> Stephen: "SHE'S A MARXIST.
IT'S HER, GROUCHO, HARPO, CHICO.
AND ZEPPO, THE MOST TERRIBLE
MARXIST OF ALL. AND IT'S HORRIBLE HOW THEY'VE
RAISED THE PRICE ON EVERYTHING. NO ONE CAN EVEN AFFORD
DUCK SOUP." TRUMP WAS ALSO SO NONSENSICAL
THAT KAMALA SPENT A GOOD AMOUNT OF THE DEBATE.
HE WAS SO NONSENSICAL THAT SHE LOOKED AT HIM THE WAY A PARENT
LOOKS ADVOCATED GIVING A PRESENTATION ON WHY THEY SHOULD
BE ALLOWED TO GET A PET TIGER. THEN, WHEN THE MODERATORS ASKED
A BASIC QUESTION ABOUT ROE V. WADE, TRUMP LIED
SO FLAGRANTLY THAT MODERATOR LINSEY DAVIS HAD TO STEP IN
WITH THIS. >> THERE IS NO STATE
IN THIS COUNTRY WHERE IT IS LEGAL TO KILL A BABY
AFTER IT IS BORN. [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: FOLLOW UP QUESTION: CAN A MODERATOR WIN A DEBATE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TRUMP TRIED TO CLAIM HE SUPPORTS
REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS. >> I HAVE BEEN A LEADER ON IVF,
WHICH IS FERTILIZATION. I HAVE BEEN A LEADER
ON FERTILIZATION. >> Stephen: "OH, I HAVE BEEN
A LEADER ON FERTILIZATION. IN FACT, I HAVE BEEN CALLED
A GIANT PILE OF FERTILIZER. I'VE DONE BABIES, LIKE, FOUR, FIVE BABIES, WITH ONLY ONE DUD.
EVEN THE BEST OF US CAN END UP WITH AN ERIC.
IT'S VERY SAD. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
AT ONE POINT, HARRIS SAID THAT HIS RALLIES WERE BORING
AND PEOPLE WERE LEAVING THE TRUMP RALLIES EARLY.
THAT MADE TRUMP GO THE CUCKOOS.
AFTER A RANT DEFENDING HIS RALLIES, HE SAID THIS.
>> IN SPRINGFIELD, THEY'RE EATING THE DOGS.
THE PEOPLE THAT CAME IN, THEY'RE EATING THE CATS.
>> Stephen: LET'S CALL IT. TIME OF CRAZY, 9:31 P.M.
CAN WE WRITE THAT DOWN ON SOMETHING PLEASE?
FLASH FROM PHILLY. DAVID MUIR FACT CHECKED HIM,
BUT TRUMP KEPT GOING. >> I JUST WANT TO CLARIFY HERE.
YOU BRING UP SPRINGFIELD, OHIO, AND ABC NEWS DID REACH OUT
TO THE CITY MANAGER THERE. HE TOLD US THERE HAD BEEN
NO CREDIBLE REPORTS OF CLAIMS OF PETS BEING HARMED, INJURED,
OR ABUSED BY INDIVIDUALS WITHIN THE IMMIGRANT COMMUNITY.
>> I'VE SEEN PEOPLE ON TELEVISION.
PEOPLE ON TELEVISION SAYING "MY DOG WAS TAKEN
AND USED FOR FOOD." >> Stephen: "I SAW ON
TELEVISION. IT'S CRAZY WHAT THEY'RE DOING!
IN FACT, I SAW ON TELEVISION THAT THERE'S ONE TOWN
WHERE THEY MAKE THE DOGS WORK! THEY ARE THE POLICE,
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, EVERYTHING. THESE LITTLE PUPPIES!
I SAW IT! THEY CALL THEM THE PAW PATROL
AND THEIR BOSS IS A LITTLE BOY AND IT'S SO SAD.
I'M TELLING YOU. YOU KNOW, YOU SAW."
EVERYONE, COME ON. IN LIGHT OF THIS SUMMER'S
SUPREME COURT PRESIDENTIAL IMMUNITY RULING, HARRIS HAD
THIS STARK WARNING. >> UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WOULD MEAN
IF DONALD TRUMP WERE BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE WITH NO
GUARDRAILS. >> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, YEAH.
I'M IMAGINING IT. OKAY, HE TRIPPED,
THERE'S NO GUARDRAILS, AND WHOOPS, THERE HE GOES
DOWN THE STEPS. OH, HE'S MAKING A XYLOPHONE
SOUND AS HE HITS EACH STEP. HERE'S AN IDEA ABOUT THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION THAT HARRIS CAME BACK TO AGAIN AND AGAIN.
>> IT'S TIME TO TURN THE PAGE. LET'S TURN THE PAGE.
LET'S TURN THE PAGE ON THIS. >> Stephen: ACTUALLY TURNING
THE PAGE SEEMS KIND OF MILD. I WOULD SAY WE SHOULD BURN
THE BOOK. [CHEERING]
BUT THAT'S REALLY MORE HIS THING.
KAMALA BROUGHT UP HOW TRUMP SAID THERE WERE VERY GOOD PEOPLE ON
BOTH SIDES AT CHARLOTTESVILLE, BUT TRUMP HAD A DEFENSE.
>> THAT STORY HAS BEEN, AS YOU WOULD SAY, DEBUNKED!
LAURA INGRAHAM, SEAN HANNITY, JESS -- ALL OF THESE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: "SEAN, LAURA INGRAHAM,
SEAN HANNITY, SKELETOR, DARTH VADER, THANOS,
THAT LITTLE FLOATING GREEN GUY WHO EATS ALL THE HOT DOGS IN
GHOSTBUSTERS. ALL OF THEM DEBUNKED IT!
WE MISS YOU, SLIMER." THEN THEY TURNED TO TRUMP'S
FAVORITE SUBJECT: 2020, AND HIS LYING ABOUT HOW HE WON.
>> YOU HAVE SAID QUOTE, YOU LOST "BY A WHISKER," THAT YOU QUOTE
"DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT," THAT YOU "CAME UP A LITTLE BIT
SHORT." >> I SAID THAT?
>> Stephen: "OKAY, BUT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE A THING I SAY!
I'M CRAZY! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!
I'M THE HANNIBAL LECTER WHALE GUY!
IMMIGRANTS ARE TAKING OUR CATS AND GIVING THEM OPERATIONS
TO TURN THEM INTO DOGS AND THEN EATING THE DOGS.
WHALE!" THEN HARRIS BASICALLY TOLD
TRUMP, "DUDE, NOBODY LIKES YOU."
>> WORLD LEADERS ARE LAUGHING AT DONALD TRUMP.
I HAVE TALKED WITH MILITARY LEADERS, SOME OF WHOM WORKED
WITH YOU, AND THEY SAY THAT YOU'RE A DISGRACE.
AND WHEN YOU THEN TALK IN THIS WAY IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
AND DENY WHAT, OVER AND OVER AGAIN ARE COURT CASES YOU HAVE
LOST, BECAUSE YOU DID IN FACT LOSE THAT ELECTION, IT LEADS ONE
TO BELIEVE THAT PERHAPS WE DO NOT HAVE IN THE CANDIDATE
TO MY RIGHT THE TEMPERAMENT OR THE ABILITY TO NOT BE
CONFUSED ABOUT FACT. >> Stephen: "HOW DO I SAY
THIS DELICATELY? THE CANDIDATE TO MY RIGHT
DOES NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO NOT BE CONFUSED.
HE LACKS THE FORTITUDE TO HOLD IN HIS PEE-PEE.
HIS COLON IS UNCERTAIN ABOUT HOW TO NOT DO LITTLE TOOTS
EVERY TIME HE WALKS." HERE'S TRUMP'S BIG COMEBACK.
>> VIKTOR ORBAN SAID IT, HE SAID THE MOST RESPECTED MOST
FEARED PERSON IS DONALD TRUMP. WE HAD NO PROBLEMS WHEN TRUMP
WAS PRESIDENT. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT FANTASTIC
WHEN YOUR CHARACTER REFERENCES AND EASTERN EUROPEAN STRONGMEN.
"MUSSOLINI LOVES ME, STALIN, GARGAMEL, THE GUY FROM
THE MINIONS MOVIE, CAPTAIN HOOK, CAPTAIN HOOK LOVES ME.
HE'S GOING TO GET THAT PETER PAN AND THAT TINKER BELL, I TELL YO
YOU. YOU KNOW, IN THE '80s,
I DATED TINKERBELL FOR AWHILE. AND WHEN WE WERE AT STUDIO 54,
THAT WASN'T FAIRY DUST SHE WAS SPRINKLING ON THE BATHROOM
COUNTER." [LAUGHTER]
AND IT WASN'T OUR HANDS WE WERE CLAPPING.
REALLY? REALLY?
I'M SORRY. THEN THEY SWITCHED TO FOREIGN
POLICY, HARRIS EXPLAINED HOW TRUMP'S SUPPORT OF PUTIN
WOULD SPELL DISASTER FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD.
>> AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE 800,000 POLISH AMERICANS
RIGHT HERE IN PENNSYLVANIA, HOW QUICKLY YOU WOULD GIVE UP.
FOR THE SAKE OF FAVOR AND WHAT YOU THINK IS A FRIENDSHIP
WITH WHAT IS KNOWN TO BE A DICTATOR WHO WOULD EAT YOU
FOR LUNCH. >> Stephen: DON'T DO IT, VLAD!
I KNOW HE LOOKS CRISPY AND SALTY BUT HE'LL BACK UP ON YOU LIKE
A BAD CLAM! NOW, WHEN IT CAME TO TRUMP
NEGOTIATING WITH THE TALIBAN, HARRIS BARELY BIT HER TONGUE.
>> THE PRESIDENT AT THE TIME INVITED THE TALIBAN TO
CAMP DAVID, A PLACE OF STORIED SIGNIFICANCE OF US AS AMERICANS.
A PLACE WHERE WE HONOR THE IMPORTANCE OF AMERICAN
DIPLOMACY. WHERE WE INVITE AND RECEIVE
RESPECTED WORLD LEADERS. AND THIS...
FORMER PRESIDENT. [CHEERING]
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK [CHEERING]
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK "FORMER PRESIDENT" WAS
THE F-WORD SHE WAS LOOKING FOR! BUT YOU KNOW, SHE MIGHT HAVE
JUST INVENTED A NEW SWEAR WORD. CAN I HEAR IT IN A SENTENCE?
>> I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE "FORMER PRESIDENT" SNAKES
ON THIS "FORMER PRESIDENT" PLANE!
>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS PREVIOUS ATTEMPTS
TO GET RID OF THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT AND WHAT HE WOULD DO
IF HE HAD SUCCEEDED. >> SO JUST A YES OR NO,
YOU STILL DO NOT HAVE A PLAN? >> I HAVE CONCEPTS OF A PLAN.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: SPOKEN LIKE
EVERY DAD WHEN THEY HAVE THE KIDS FOR THE WEEKEND.
"OH, WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER?
I HAVE CONCEPTS OF A PLAN. UH...
BEER HAS WHEAT AND KETCHUP IS A VEGETABLE.
I THINK THE WHOLE DEBATE CAN BE SUMMED UP
BY THIS MSNBC REPORT. TRUMP CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS ARE
UPSET AT ABC NEWS FOR FACT-CHECKING THAT MIGRANTS
ARE NOT EATING DOGS IN OHIO. [APPLAUSE]
WELL, YEAH, I CAN IMAGINE. I CAN IMAGINE.
I CAN IMAGINE HIS CAMPAIGN IS PRTTY UPSET BECAUSE WHILE
MIGRANTS MAY NOT BE EATING DOGS, WITH HIS DEBATE PERFORMANCE,
TONIGHT TRUMP DID EAT A PHILLY
TURD STEAK. ALL IN ALL, TONIGHT HARRIS GAVE
ONE OF THE BEST DEBATE PERFORMANCES I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND THERE IS NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, NOTHING THAT COULD HAVE
MADE TONIGHT ANY BETTER FOR KAMALA HARRIS.
>> TAYLOR SWIFT AND A PICTURE OF HER AND HER
CAT. SHE HAS JUST POSTED
THAT SHE WATCHED THE DEBATE TONIGHT AND THAT SHE IS
ENDORSING KAMALA HARRIS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUEST IS JOHN DICKERSON.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?