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-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show"! [ Cheers and applause ]
I am excited. I am excited about this. From the hit show
"Only Murders in the Building," Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez
are my guests tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Whoo! Yeah,
it is a show about murders in a New York City building, so I'm pretty sure
it's going to go on forever. [ Laughter ]
Could be our new "Bonanza." Yeah. Seriously, what an incredible
trio we have here tonight. America's favorite comedian,
America's sweetheart, and Martin Short. [ Laughter ] But here's a fun game to play
when you see Steve and Selena. Try to guess which one has
a billion-dollar beauty brand and which one plays the banjo. [ Laughter ]
It's pretty fun. Guys, we're coming to you
after the presidential debate between Vice President Harris
and former president Trump. Harris was on the right,
Trump was on the left, and Biden was at home wondering, "Where do I know
these guys from?" [ Laughter ]
"I know them." Tonight was the first
time Harris and Trump ever met. That's why Trump prepared
for the debate by binge-watching a season
of "Love Is Blind." [ Laughter ] Harris tried to cast
Trump as a "relic of the past." While Trump thinks relic
is a condiment he puts on his hot dogs. [ Laughter ]
"Extra ketchup and extra relic." [ Laughter ] "I love relic." [ Laughter ] "Some people don't like relic,
but I like it." [ Laughter ] All right. Yeah. Harris tried to cast
Trump as a relic of the past. She was like, "Trust me. After the last four years,
I know a relic when I see one." [ Laughter, scattered groans ] Just like the previous debate,
there was no audience. Yeah, they were speaking
to a totally silent, empty room, or, as JD Vance calls that,
a rally. [ Laughter ] Tonight's debate aired
on all the major networks, and it streamed on Disney+. Yeah, and I thought
this was nice. After the debate,
there was an in-depth analysis from Lilo and Stitch.
-Oh. [ Laughter ] Tonight's presidential debate
was 90 minutes long and included two
commercial breaks. And I got to say,
I think some of the commercials really forced a connection
to the debate. They felt kind of shoehorned. Check this one out. -Do you support Donald Trump's
views on immigration? Well, then you'll love
living in an even whiter world with Crest Whitestrips. -You see what I mean?
[ Laughter ] You see what I mean?
They don't quite connect. -Really?
-Look at this other one I saw. This is...
-I don't know about that. -Confused about
what she stands for or how to even
pronounce her name? Then you'll love "Teh-moo." Or is it "Tee-moo"? -Yeah. You see?
[ Laughter ] -Wow.
-It's just... This last one here
is a little relatable. Lookit. -Do you love watching
a man and woman try to be civilized before
giving in to tedious bickering? Then you'll feel right
at home visiting Ikea. -Yeah, now, that -- that one...
-That one I get. -That I got.
I like that one. [ Cheers and applause ] Some more election news. A new poll shows
that Trump leads Harris by just 2 points in Florida. -Ooh.
-Trump can't believe it. He's like, "Come on, Florida,
I thought you matched my freak." [ Laughter ] Well, this week,
after a long summer break, Congress finally
returned to work, and they're already facing
a potential government shutdown if they can't agree
on a bill in three weeks. Several members of Congress have
spoken out about the situation. Check this out. First up,
Senator Dan Sullivan said... [ Laughter ]
Congressman Hal Rogers said... Then Congressman
Andre Carson said... And Congressman
Michael Guest said... Then Senator Jerry Moran said... Then Congressman
Jake LaTurner said... Then, Senator
John Fetterman said... And Congressman
John Carter said... Then Congressman
Eric Burlison said... Then Congressman
Roger Williams said... Then Congresswoman
Alma Adams said... And finally, JD Vance said... There you go. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪ That was a record. That was a record.
That was a longie. Longie. Well, guys, the NFL season
just kicked off, but they already announced
who will be headlining the 2025 Super Bowl
halftime show. That's right.
The halftime performer is gonna be Kendrick Lamar. [ Cheers and applause ] -Wait. What?!
Hey, man, wake up, wake up! Can you say that again, Jimmy? -Uh, you mean
that Kendrick Lamar is headlining next year's
Super Bowl halftime show? -Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you sure they said
Kendrick Lamar and not LMFABC,
the LMFAO tribute band that does children's
song versions of LMFAO hits? -No, I definitely
would've remembered that. -So there's no chance
they change their minds and go with LMFABC? [ Laughter ] Like, like -- I don't know. What if Kendrick gets food
poisoning from eating some -- I don't know --
egg-salad sandwiches that were anonymously mailed
to his studio? You think they might be like,
"Oh, snap. Let's just cancel
the Super Bowl"? -Or better yet,
how about we replace Kendrick Lamar
with those cool guys who sing "Potty Rock Anthem" and ♪ I'm six and a half
and I know it ♪ -Uh, I'm sorry, but I
just don't see that happening. But I guess anything's possible. -So there is a chance! -Doctor, cancel
my hip replacement because... -We're going to the Super Bowl! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Bye. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, all right!
Get out of here! Get out of here!
Get out of here! You're late for the Super Bowl. What is going on?
[ Laughter ] So sorry about that, folks. Uh... [ Laughter continues ] Oof! Uh, did you guys see this?
McDonald's and Crocs are teaming up
to offer a Happy Meal with a miniature Croc keychain. Yeah, it's the first time
McDonald's and Crocs have teamed up since
they released the McNugget. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] That's right. Yes. Finally, guys, I know a lot
of people find math boring. Well, that's
why we've updated math to make the equations be about
stuff that you can relate to. It's time for
"Popular Mathematics." ♪♪ -♪ Popular Mathematics ♪ ♪ Mathematics ♪ -Let's take a look here
at our first equation here. If you take an escape room
plus vegetables, it equals a corn maze. Do you understand?
See? You get the idea? -Okay.
-Yeah. Here's another one. Paul McCartney.
-Yeah. -Plus Tropicana,
plus Ringo Starr, plus Minute Maid equals
"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice." [ Laughter and applause ] You see, it's easy...
-For kids, yeah. It's math.
Now we can understand math. -Make it fun.
-Yeah. Like, here's another one.
Here. If you take Oreos, plus
Chips Ahoy, plus Famous Amos, plus Fig Newtons,
plus a thumbs up, it equals "Accept all cookies." [ Laughter and applause ] You see?
It's very... -Wait. Is there more? -If you take --
If you take, "No way!", plus an Australian accent,
it equals Norway. [ Laughter ] -Very...
[ Cheers and applause ] Here's another one. If you take "Falling asleep
at a slumber party," okay, plus a Sharpie, it equals Post Malone.
[ Laughter ] It's just things
that people can... -Yeah.
-People can get it. Finally, if you take being
a farmer minus getting paid, it equals apple picking.
There you go, everybody. That's "Popular Mathematics." We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots! ♪♪ -[ Rapping indistinctly ] ♪♪ -What a show
we have for you tonight! They star in the hit show
"Only Murders in the Building." Season 4
is streaming now on Hulu. Steve Martin, Martin Short,
and Selena Gomez are here! [ Cheers and applause ] My favorites!
I love 'em. -Plus,
she is a country-music superstar whose new album,
"Whirlwind," is out now. Lainey Wilson is here.
We'll be talking to her, and then she's performing
later in the show. Love Lainey Wilson.
Guys, just a quick mention. This Friday, people are saying
the Super Bowl's come early. -Really?
Yeah, that's right. The biggest sporting event
of the year is here. I challenged DJ Khaled
to a golf match. Four holes, one mulligan,
one breakfast ball. Winner gets a red cardigan. It's the Cardigan Classic,
right here, Friday night! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh!
-No, no, no, no, no! Hold it!
-What's going on? What's going on?!
What's going on?! What's going on?
-What's up? -What's going on?
Lookit, what's going -- What's going on? Fallon, can you please,
can you talk to the team? Can you --
Can you get it to air now? -No!
-So many calls. I can't wait till Friday.
-Friday night is when it airs. -Yo,
show them everything, Fallon! -I'm showing them everything. -Let's go golfing!
Friday, 11:35! -NBC, DJ Khaled! [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah!
-Oh, it's gonna be big. That's what I'm talking about.
Bye-bye, DJ Khaled. [ Cheers and applause ] Dude, I love that dude. ♪♪ Come on.
He is the best. Come on!
-Come on, man! -He is -- If you guys want to
watch a fun hour of sport, me versus DJ Khaled.
It's real. It's on Friday night.
It's one hour long. If you have a sports bar,
by the way... -Hey.
-...I would have a -- I would have
a rager this weekend. Friday night? What other sports
are on Friday night at 11:30? -None.
-Nothing. This is the only -- Yeah, this is it. The Cardigan Classic,
this Friday. Have a special.
-Come on. Have a special.
If you go to the bar, if you wear a cardigan...
-Right, you get free -- -...you get a free drink
or something like that, yeah. -All year.
-Yeah. And DJ Khaled is just
the best dude ever, man. I love that guy.
He's so good. By the way...
[ Cheers and applause ] DJ Khaled is going to be
live at the VMAs tomorrow night
with Fat Joe and Anita. Brand-new.
Brand-new, tomorrow night. It's good.
It's great, actually. Fantastic. Uh, guys, I'm not gonna lie. I'm feeling a little bit
out of it. I had another nightmare
last night. Or should I say "tonightmare." [ Thunder crashes ] I was driving
through the backcountry in the middle of the night, and up ahead, I spotted
what seemed to be an old abandoned gas station. At least I thought
it was abandoned. As I walked up to the window, a man with a tire iron
popped up out of nowhere and he shouted, "You're next!" I ran around the side
of the building to escape him, but then as the door swung open,
his daughter jumped out and screamed,
"I got him, Daddy!" She held a bloody wrench
over her head, and she was about to strike me. She said -- She said -- She said, "Do you know
how I can buy tickets to Jimmy Fallon's Tonightmares, an immersive haunted
maze experience at Rockefeller Center?" I said, "Yeah, it's open September 20th
through Halloween. Tickets are available now at... Experience it for yourself.
Now stick around. We'll be right back with more -- -You're next! [ Shouts ] ♪♪ Stick around. -There's more "Tonight Show"
after the break. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Evil laugh ]