S4 E13: Stupid Watergate, Anderson Cooper & TSA: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

[Music] w welcome welcome welcome to Las Week Tonight I'm John Oliver thank you so much for joining us let's dive straight in and tonight we're going to do something a little bit different because for one week and one week only the show Last Week Tonight is actually going to talk at some length about the Last Week Tonight and the reason we unfortunately have to do that is the last seven days have been absolutely insane so much so that by Friday night it may have broken Anderson Cooper because I tell you what because Jeffrey Lord CNN contributor and diard Trump supporter was in the middle of Defending yet another indefensible statement from Trump when Cooper finally snapped he's the president of the United States if he wants to say that Barack Obama wants to say whatever if George Bush says I looked in his if he took a dump on his desk you would defend yes yes that is a professional journalist saying of the president if he took a dump on his desk you would defend it and more importantly Jeffrey Lords did not immediately answer no and look on a different night I could probably devote time to why CNN would put themselves in the position of having a professional dump Defender constantly on their network but there is not going to be time because tonight we have to track the latest development in what we've been calling stupid Watergate a scandal with all the potential ramifications of Watergate but where everyone involved is stupid and bad at everything and given the exhausting pace of this week's event tonight we are simply going to try and answer a few basic questions what the is going on how big a deal is this where do we go from here and is this real life so let's begin with question one what the is going on and the answer to that is quite a lot cuz can you can you even remember how this week began cuz there was actually a big story on on Monday that you may have forgotten by now Top Secret Bombshell reports president Trump revealed highly classified intelligence to the Russians in the over office sources tell the Washington Post the president was boasting to Russia's foreign minister and Ambassador when he divulged the intelligence during an overal office meeting last week that's right president Trump may have inadvertently revealed code word information one of the highest levels of classification to Russian officials and that is the kind of information you shouldn't even share with your closest friends which of course in Trump's case would be the golf caddy he calls Steve even though his name is Doug uh a bucket of KFC chicken and the Ghost of Roger alses and and back back then back then in the more innocent time of Monday it felt like there simply could not be a bigger story than that this is the most serious charge ever made against a sitting president let's not minimize it Comey is in the waste Bas B baset of History everything else is off the table this is the most serious charge ever made against a sitting president of the United States yeah it turns out Alan dtz was extremely wrong about that and I would say it's hard to imagine him being more wrong about anything but fortunately we have photographic proof but the point is the point is that that Russian news was buried the very next day by this ABC News confirming that shortly after an oval office visit in February former FBI director James Comey wrote a memo saying that during that meeting President Trump asked him to shut down his investigation into National Security adviser Michael Flynn and that was a huge deal because let me give you a quick reminder about why the FBI was investigating Flynn a man whose overall demeanor says I only on top of the sheets so I don't ruin the hospital corners Michael Flynn was fired after it emerged he discussed us sanctions against Russia with Russian officials during the transition despite denying that to the press to the FBI and to vice president Mike Pence Flynn was so flawed team Trump was repeatedly warned about his baggage by both then acting AG Sally Yates and President Obama and even as reported this week General Flynn himself but Trump kept standing by him anyway which kind of makes sense in a way because literally every decision in the Trump Administration is the worst possible one paper or plastic whichever one kills the most birds soup or Salad I'm going to go with the nword favorite Beetle it's got to be Yoko anyway anyway let's get back to this week because on Wednesday Just 4 days ago which is the equivalent of 150 years in 2017 time Donald Trump gave the commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy and that should have been easy simply lift the cadet spirits and point them towards the future but Trump inevitably used the speech to well I'm fairly sure momentarily forget the word certainty and then also generally whine about how mean people were being to him no politician in history and I say this with great shity has been treated worse or more unfairly wait no politician has been treated worse Abraham Lincoln was shot by an actor William McKinley was shot by an anarchist JFK was of course murdered by Ted Cruz's father and and James Garfield was shot then to find the bullet and this is true Alexander Gran Bell devised a kind of metal detector which didn't work so doctors tried to fish around in his guts for the bullet with unwashed fingers which just made his infection worse so he died in horrible pain but yeah Alec Baldwin sometimes does a mean impression of you on TV so yeah it's basically the same isn't it then then later that same day the same day the justice department appointed a special Council former FBI head Robert Müller to conduct an independent investigation into the Trump campaign's connections to Russia which is also a massive development that was closely followed by Thursday's news concerning James Comey specifically his friend's account of the lengths to which Comey went at this post inauguration meeting to try and avoid a personal encounter with the president he's wearing if you watch the video of it he's wearing a blue blazer and he stands in the part of the room that is as far from Trump as it is physically possible to be and also against Blue drapes that are the same color as his um he CH that spot he chose that spot because it was uh you know like almost like a chameleon uh you know camouflage against the wall come on Comey if you're 6'8 you don't hide by by blending into a curtain you wear a brown suit you paste a few leaves to your hand and head and you hope to be mistaken for a tree that's what you do now luckily we somehow escaped Thursday alive and on Friday the president took off for a 9-day overseas trip but the wheels of Air Force One had barely left the ground when this happened the New York Times now reporting that according to a White House document president Trump in the Oval Office told Russian officials 10 days ago that James Comey the FBI director was a quote not job now yeah that sounds rough but in Trump's defense I can kind of see where he's coming from the guy keeps hiding in my drapes who does that he's huge I can see him dressed like a tree you've got to know that and and here's the thing that same document which the White House did not deny gave the even more concerning detail that Trump had told his Russian guests I just fired the head of the FBI I faced great pressure because of Russia that's taken off and it's almost difficult to believe your ears when you hear something that sounds so audaciously corrupt it's like if Hillary Clinton had sent an email with the subject line Su I did Benghazi but but wait wait because the week still wasn't quite yet done cuz almost at the exact same time that the nut job news emerged there was one last startling Revelation The Washington Post began reporting that the FBI investigation into possible coordination between Russia and the Trump campaign has identified a current White House official as a significant Person of Interest and that is also potentially enormous now some have suggested that that could be Jared Kushner but it seems unlikely because while he is technically significant and legally a person he in no way qualifies as of Interest he is the least interesting human on earth Earth he is the person equivalent of an empty room painted eggshell he's like a white bread sandwich where the middle is just a third slice of white bread or as Mike Pence refers to that the devil's hogy so so that is the shortest possible summation of the events of this week which brings us to our second question how big a deal is this because it feels like a pretty big deal think about it going into this week there were already multiple investigations into Russia's efforts to swing the election and any possible ties to the Trump campaign but there are now also strong allegations that Trump attempted in some form to influence the investigations and we now have a special Council looking into all of this you would almost have to be trying really hard not to see this as a big deal and nobody tried harder than some commentators on Fox News this is insane where is the evidence of a crime people are now buying some of this lunacy area every single day we've reached a point of Madness they're unhen this is a scandal with no video with no audio with no sex with no money with no dead bodies it's a boring Scandal that is just ridiculous there may be Americans hidden in plain view working on behalf of Russia is not boring it's literally a Emmy nominated TV show but but perhaps my favorite attempt to pour water on this story came from Tucker Carlson the villain from a director video Kad Shack sequel who somehow became a real boy tux tried to Jedi mitrick this Scandal out of existence the world is a very complicated Place Washington especially what you think is happening often really isn't happening wow what you think is happening isn't happening he's talking to his viewers like a parent whose kids just walked in on them 69ing this isn't what you think this isn't what you're looking at your mother and I were just listening to see if there's an echo when you scream into a butt nothing is happening here you're not seeing anything here although although fascinatingly as the week went on even some on Fox was struggling to hold the line because remember Mister this is a boring Scandal this was him just 2 Days Later I've been the first one to say you know there's a lot of smoke but I don't see any fire but now I'm getting a little concerned even I myself I've gotten to the point where I'm like what is going on here with this situation I'm a little worried about it that cannot be a good sign a fox host not being able to hold his doubts at Bay for 48 hours is pretty much a canary in a coal mine but then at this point Donald Trump is basically waste deep in dead canaries and and you can tell how serious this is becoming by the fact that when the news started breaking this week members of Trump's own party were suddenly hard to find we reached out to 20 Republican senators and representatives to appear on this broadcast we also reported and requested that someone from the White House join us at any point during our 2-hour broadcast to respond to the latest news all declined our invitation now just try and think about how crazy that is 20 invites 20 refusals that's worse attendance than a rap part for the cast of The Jinx oh I don't know Bob where do you think everyone is you massive creep now now some Republicans did comment on Trump this week but not perhaps in the way that the White House would have ideally wanted for example John McCain had this to say I think it's reaching the point where it's of Watergate size and scale and a couple of other scandals that you and I have seen it's a centipede that the shoe can continues to drop yeah it's like a centipede that keeps dropping shoes but it's real and people wear shoes so the Trump Administration is really more like a human centipede in terms of the amount of passing through it and how nauseating watching it really is and while McCain was willing to site Watergate other Republicans were willing to go even further Michigan's just in a marsh today became the first Republican to say the president's actions might Merit impeachment and very we have it a member of Trump's own party has raised the Spectre of impeachment just four months into the president's first term that is almost impressive in a way and it gets worse because when Mother Jones ran an article citing Amash as the first Republican to mention impeachment a spokeswoman for another Republican representative Carlos Cabello of Florida reached out to say he was actually the first Republican to mention it although although to be fair to be to be completely Fair here the very first person to think oh God he should not be president is probably some unnamed nurseing Queens in the year 1946 you know I've been doing this a long time but this baby is the worst one I've ever seen this is a terrible baby and the Spectre of impeachment is something that some in the White House are reportedly taking seriously and after days of incendiary headlines CNN has learned that White House lawyers are researching what a possible Trump impeachment might look like that's actually a pretty good question what would a trump impeachment look like I mean ironically I imagine at least part of it would involve thousands of Muslims celebrating in New Jersey so so this this certainly has all the appearances of a pretty big deal which brings us to question number three where do we go from here and if you are hoping for impeachment or a resignation it is worth taking a quick peek at the presidential line of succession because Trump going would be fantastic but remember that would give us president Mike Pence and let me remind you how our prospective next president sees himself I'm a Christian a conservative and a republican in that order I'm a Christian a conservative and a republican in that order I'm a Christian a conservative and a republican in that order honestly I would have loved it if he just kept going after after those three I'm a Gemini I'm a furry and I'm intolerant in that order that's what I am those six things don't get it wrong Mike Pence is a Hardline conservative in Congress he led efforts to defund plan Parenthood he opposed the ly Le better Act and the ending of don't ask don't tell and championed a constitutional amendment defining marriages between a man and a woman and as governor of Indiana his most eye-catching accomplishment was the passage of the religious freedom restoration act which could have made it easier for religious conservatives to refuse service to gay couple and making matters worse when he was asked multiple times whether that's what it did he kept dodging the question ending in this exchange do you think it should be legal in the state of Indiana to discriminate against gays or lesbians George it's a yes or no question come on hoers don't believe in discrimination yeah well I don't believe in hooes what the is a hooa where does that turn come from anyway it it sounds like the sound alucino makes when he sneezes h h h and by the way if you're telling yourself well maybe Trump's impeachment could take Pence down as well well think about what that would mean because then we'd have President Paul Ryan three words that I always knew I'd have to say but I didn't really expect to have to say it quite so soon sort of like remember polar bears or female Entourage reboot the boys are back and this time they're girls and and you know if you really want to spin this fantasy out let's say that Ryan is also somehow sitting on his own impeachable cluster do you know who is next in line to the presidency you you might not I'm not I'm not sure that you do do you it's actually Mr Kelsey Grammar and you're probably assuming correctly that that is wrong but what is the real right answer there I can actually tell you because we would we would genuinely have President Orin hatch at that point yes he would be he would be president a man whose every expression says I take fiber supplements and frankly they're not working and look hat hatch is his own separate kind of nightmare but before we get lost any further down this paranoid Wormhole let's just all take a collective breath because in reality even though some people have been getting excited this week impeachment is a long shot for many reasons not the least of which is it would require a majority of the house to vote to impeach and that is currently controlled by Republicans uh and then it would then need 2third of the Senate to vote to convict the president and it is also controlled by Republicans right now so the likelihood is that Trump will survive this and continue as president which shouldn't really be a surprise to anyone why would this be the end of the line for him Trump has seemed to reach the end of the line on multiple occasions only for nothing to happen remember when he hesitated to to disavow David Duke wasn't that supposed to be the end of the line or the time he bullied a gold star family that had to be the end of the line right or the Access Hollywood tape we all thought the next stop on that bus was you guessed it the end of the line but it seems like when it comes to president Trump he's always approaching the end of the line but it never seems to come as if for him and him alone the end of the line is drawn by MC eer and and and and I know I know following stupid watergate's every development can be all consuming it feels like nothing else has happened over the last couple of weeks but that is a dangerous thing to believe because it has things have happened this Administration has made significant moves that have escaped many people's attention Jeff sessions mve to lengthen drug sentences undoing Obama era criminal justice reforms just tonight it came out that Trump is going to propose slashing Medicaid and other safety net benefits and tomorrow in court the administration may decide to end key Obamacare subsidies which if that happens could immediately unravel the ObamaCare insurance markets so that 1946 nurse was absolutely right he was the worst baby and you know he's still the worst baby now and as if all of this wasn't bad enough which it comfortably is we are we are getting some heartbreaking glimpses into how this President operates for instance just this week again we learned that this is how his own National Security team feels they have to brief him on important Global issues he likes single page memos and visual aids like Maps charts graphs and photos National Security officials have strategically included Trump's name in quote as many paragraphs as we can because he keeps reading if he is mentioned wow that is absolutely pathetic our president can only understand the world to the extent that it involves himself meaning it is entirely possible that his security briefing reads the leader of North Trump Kim Jong Trump is making an intercontinental ballistic Trump this could seriously jeopardize not just the region but also the safety of millions of oh God we're losing you aren't we Trump Trump trump Welcome Back Sir this this can all seem like a terrible work of fiction which actually brings us to our final question is this real life to which the answer is unfortunately yes and if you are feeling miserable about the situation that we're in right now the the only consolation I may be able to offer you is I'm not sure that Trump is entirely happy either because yes you've seen him enjoy the rallies and the attention and the fact that he can sa the president but I think the most telling photo taken of him so far is this one that was taken on his inauguration day at a luncheon thrown in his honor look at his face he looks like he's at the funeral for every dog and and if you think I'm projecting this onto him just just listen to an interview that Trump himself gave around the 100 day Mark of his presidency and tell me if this is a guy who sounds like he's happy with this situation I loved my previous life I actually this is more work than in my previous life I thought it would be easier I do miss my old life this I like to work so that's not a problem but this is actually more work yes of course being president is harder than your old job of course it is your old job was basically having a name letting other people pay you to use that name and firing D Snider it was easy although I will say this I now actually have something in common with Donald Trump because I too preferred my previous life before he became president and that is why that is why this is true stupid Watergate because no matter what we are in for an agonizingly long period of leaks allegations and recriminations all over a presidential campaign to put a man in power who may not entirely want to be there say what you want about Nixon at least he wanted the job look I don't know about you but this week has drained me at the end of last year we told you to write down this is not normal to guard yourself against getting complacent I don't think that there is much danger of that happening in the foreseeable future but it is also worth remembering that sentiment just to reassure yourself that you're not going crazy and if you are tempted to believe any of what people are saying that this is all politics and every president goes through a week like the one that we just had early in their Administration let me show you one of the things that people were attacking the last president for at roughly the same point in his first term as you all know President Obama is a real man of the people take a look at him ordering his burger with a very special condiment you got like a spicy mustard or something like that or a d mustard something like that and I hope you enjoyed that fancy Burger Mr President they were really mad about that that was on actual television and I would honestly give anything to once again live in a time where the Scandal rocking the executive branch was a Fox News host implying that the president likes metrosexual mustard and maybe fingers crossed one day we can all get there again and now this and now get another look at whatever the is happening on WCBS 2 News at 11 bye-bye bunions tonight at 11: grooming the groom tonight at 11: the better bread tonight at 11: filthy Fair face cupping drunk erexa decision fatigue inside a big rig hauling danger the road reader revenge for hire high-tech chores high-tech looking glasses the body hack Living Dead shocking The Habit exploding sunroofs Pets the dental dilemma smell dating tonight on CBS 2 News at 11: while you're sleeping these kids are playing why tonight at 11: moving on tonight now before we go we have a bit of a problem you may have noticed that Trump has completely decimated this week and unfortunately in doing that he's essentially destroyed our plans for this show because we wanted to give you one of our usual deep dives into an extremely boring topic and we chosen the TSA and there is clear clearly not enough time left for me to do it properly but I will not be defeated so I'm going to give you a full Last Week Tonight story that should take 20 minutes in just 3 minutes are you ready for this there's no time there is no time for that let's go our main story tonight concerns the TSA the only people who worry more about what's stuck up your butt than you do uh long story short there are problems and there are potential Solutions and it's more complicated than you might think this graph goes up this graph goes down in combination that's clearly a real problem then I was going to show you this woman who believes some TSA techniques are an invasion of her privacy I think it's an invasion of my privacy that's not how that word is pronounced then I was going to show you a couple of victims of inappropriate TSA conduct and then to lighten the mood I was going to hit you with a clip involving Muppet Penguins 1 2 PS believe me that actually made sense in the context of our piece broadly speaking uh penguins are a flightless bird So in theory if they wanted to go somewhere they might have to deal with the TSA you can imagine the kind of fun Graphics we had planned here's one of trump with a penguin uh I was also going to try and break down TSA procedures using this clip sensitive areas like the brast groin and buttocks all three of those things are objectively funny but but we would be placing them next to a story where that clip would actually be sad uh so how long we got 90 seconds oh okay uh we're going to skip this clip uh this clip and this clip uh that woman there is the TSA Chief no time to get into watching she's saying there and how it may affect you but just enough time to show you this graphic of Vladimir Putin and Boris yelson giving each other hand jobs it would have made some sense in context uh we also had this TSA cartoon for you it looks kind of scary no time for a joke there uh uh we're also going to spend a decent amount of time with the tsa's official Instagram account here is an actual picture where someone asked them are knife nanas allowed I mean come on knife nanas we're not supposed to make a joke about knife Nas we also don't have time for this graph I don't have time for this graph and this graph is actually a bigger problem than you might think uh but we have to move past it and this is the part where I have to say to be fair and read what the TSA has said about an incident that I was going to mentioned earlier and to be fair they say we conducted a thorough review and you know what I don't have time for this either uh then I was going to say 48% 41 out of 50 states $4.8 billion and $9,000 which I know doesn't sound like a lot but it actually is and show you how much we were going to use the GDP of mdova 20 seconds left okay here's three pull quotes all of which are important the second of which involves 20 tons of cocaine here's an elephant snorting cocaine and here is where I was going to reach my conclusion which we absolutely do not have time for and then just to cheer everyone up at the end of a long and sporadically depressing show we were going to give you something joyful and fun to watch and it was the Penguins we have these penguins the Penguins were going to cheer us up and and I guess they still can look Penguins it's just nice that's all it is things are allowed to be nice the point is write your Congressman about the issues it's been discussed tonight can you do that thing where you laugh with your mouth I love that that's one of my favorite things in the world enjoy it enjoy it now and forever that's our show uh we're off next week for Memorial Day we're back on June 4th thank you for watching good night Penguins we got penguins penguins penguins penguins penguins it's just fun it's just some fun