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-Good evening.
I'm Seth Meyers. This is "Late Night."
We hope you're doing well. And if you don't mind,
we're going to get to the news. Before we get started,
a little housekeeping. If you're watching
this show on TV right now, you probably watched us do
a live show about the debate in primetime
a couple of hours ago. But we're no fools.
We tape this show yesterday. So if you're wondering why I
look younger and healthier now, it's because this Seth
hasn't been through a presidential debate
and a live primetime show yet. We did it this way because of
"Late Night" Seth and primetime Seth ever accidentally meet, it'll tear a hole
in the space time continuum and open a portal
to what's called the Sethverse. And I've been told many times
that one of me is more than enough. Now let's get
to yesterday's news. Election day is now
less than eight weeks away, which is also not
for nothing about how long it takes
to get your passport renewed. During last night's debate, Vice President Kamala Harris'
campaign held more than 1,300 watch parties
across the country as opposed to the last debate
where we all attended can't watch parties. [ Laughter ] Ahead of last night's debate, former President Trump won
the coin toss, saving him the trouble of getting
the Supreme Court involved. Last night's debate was hosted
by ABC news and simulcast on Fox, CBS and NBC. Although, NBC,
haven't we done enough? Second Gentleman
Doug Emhoff and Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro
attended a Pearl Jam concert over the weekend
in Philadelphia. Wow, that makes me feel old,
said Pearl Jam. [ Laughter ] The FBI said in a new report
this week that cryptocurrency fraud increased
last year by 45% to 145%. A lawsuit was filed
this week against the makers of Trojan Condoms that claims
their products are not safe because they contain
forever chemicals. Wow, so whether you use
them or not, you're going to have
something forever. [ Laughter ] And finally,
The Wall Street Journal recently published
an article titled Dear Men,
You're Eating Too Much Meat." They also published
a rebuttal titled Dear Women,
I Said, I'll Be Out in a Minute. And that was a monologue,
everybody. We are off and running. We've got a great show
for you tonight. She's an Emmy. and Golden Globe
nominated actress who has starred
in everything from "Ghost" and "A Few Good Men"
to "G.I. Jane" and "Feud: A Capote vs.
the Swan." She's currently starring
in "The Substance," which is incredible. It's in theaters next week. Demi Moore we'll be here,
everybody. He is a Tony-winning
an Oscar-nominated actor known for roles from the high spirit
of Prince Philip. He is Emmy nominated
this year for both "The Crown"
and "Slow Horses." Jonathan Pryce is joining us,
you guys. Amy Ryan,
the great Jane -- the great Amy Ryan
is on "Family Trips" this week. Check that out, and you guys,
we are moving on. Here at "Late Night,"
Every night I deliver a monologue made up of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that due to my being
a straight White male would be difficult
for me to deliver. But we don't think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we'd like to share them
with you now in a segment called
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell." [ Cheers and applause ] These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I'm Black.
-And I'm gay. -And we're both women,
-and I'm not. So here's how this works. I'll read the setups
to these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punchline. So here we go. According to a recent census, gay men tend to gravitate
to big cities. -While lesbians tend
to gravitate to the sale rack at L.L.Bean. -A Black Trump supporter
is suing a Republican group after claiming they called
him a slave. -Buddy, I got news. That's the nicest thing
they called you. -What's the worst thing
they called him? -The other Black guy's name. [ Audience "oohs" ] -During a recent game,
Boston Red Sox player Jarren Duran called
a fan gay slur. -[ Scoffs ]
Who does he think he is? The Pope. -Jenny, do you think that
happens a lot at Fenway Park? -Uh, is the Pope Catholic
and also homophobic? -According to
the Department of Agriculture, there's been a surge
in the country's number of Black farmers. -And this time,
it's by choice. -Amber! -Hey, you think there's
a lot of Black farmers now? You should have seen the 1700s.
-Amber! -But the songs were fun. -A dog shelter in Las Vegas
is overcrowded with 465 dogs. -I'm sorry. I'm hearing that's
just some lesbian's house. -Okay now.
Now, Jenny, do you have a pet? -No, I'm allergic
to dogs and cats, so I can't date a woman
who has either. And that's why
I shall remain single forever. -[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] -Sad because it's real. [ Laughter ] -The Virginia
African-American Cultural Center is launching the second season
of their podcast about Black neighborhoods. -That's my favorite podcast,
said gentrifiers. -A new documentary
explores the rumor that Abraham Lincoln was gay. -It's called
"Gaybraham Lincoln." -Now, Jenny,
do you really think Abraham Lincoln was gay? -I will say this.
He definitely had a beard. -Ah. -According to a new poll, 83% of Democrats have a
favorable view of Kamala Harris. -And I bet Joe Biden
must be rolling over in his... What's that? He's fine.
Oh, good for him. -According to a recent study, lesbians live shorter lives
than straight women. -Because unlike straight women,
at some point we all have an orgasm so good we just die. [ Laughter ] -Now, do straight women
really live longer? -I mean, if you can call
being straight living. -A new museum in Charleston
specializes in Black genealogy. -It's called
the Thomas Jefferson Museum. -Amber! Thomas Jefferson is Black
people's where's Waldo. If you look at your family tree
close enough, he's in there. -Hey, Seth, I have an idea. -I really don't think
I should. -Come on, just one.
-Why don't you tell one? -I feel like they
already are really on edge and I don't want to do one. -You should do it.
-I don't -- they're very on edge. -I think they're gonna like it. -You guys promise
I'll be okay? -They will love it. -Okay.
-It's gonna go great. -Thank you, guys.
I trust you very much. -Yeah. -This year, the U.S. men's
Olympic swim team had its first Black coach. There were no survivors. -How dare you?! -You told me it would be okay. -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -You wrote it
and you emailed it to me and you told me to say it! -I don't know what you're
talking about. -Black women and lesbians
or liars. [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] We'll be right back
with Demi Moore.