The Handmaid's Tale Chapter 44

foreign things are back to normal how can I call this normal but compared with this morning it is normal for lunch there was a cheese sandwich on brown bread a glass of milk celery sticks canned pears a school child's lunch I eat everything up not quickly but reveling in the taste the flavors Lush on my tongue now I'm going shopping the same as usual I even look forward to it there's a certain consolation to be taken from routine I go out the back door along the path Nick is washing the car his head on Sideways he doesn't look at me we avoid looking at each other these days Shirley would give something Away by it even out here in the open with no one to see I waited the corner for off Glenn she's late at last I see her coming a red and white shape of cloth like a kite walking at the steady Pace we've all learned to keep I see her and notice nothing at first then as she comes nearer I think that there must be something wrong with her she looks wrong she's altered in some indefinable way she's not injured she's not limping it's as if she has shrunk then when she's near still it I see what it is she isn't off Glenn she's the same height but thinner and her face is beige not pink she comes out to me stops blessed be the fruit she says straight face straight laced may the Lord open I reply I try not to shut a surprise you must be offred she says I say yes and we begin our walk now what I think my head is turning this is not good news what has become of her how do I find out without showing too much concern we aren't supposed to form friendships loyalties among one another I try to remember how much time offline has to go at her present posting we've been set good weather I say which I received with joy The Voice Placid flat unrevealing we passed the first checkpoint without saying anything further she's Tech to turn but so am I is she waiting for me to start something reveal myself or is she a Believer engrossed in inner meditation has often been transferred so soon I ask but I know she hasn't I saw her only this morning she would have said I am off Glenn the woman says word perfect and of course she is the new one and off Glenn wherever she is is no longer off Glenn I never did know her real name that is how you can get lost in a sea of names it wouldn't be easy to find her now we go to milk and honey and go to All Flesh where I buy chicken and the new offline gets three pounds of hamburger there are the usual lines I see several women I recognize exchange with them the nods with which we show each other we are known at least to someone we still exist outside All Flesh I say to the new off Glenn we should go to the wall I don't know what I expect from this some way of testing her reaction perhaps I need to know whether or not she's one of us if she is if I can establish that perhaps she'll be able to tell me what has really happened to off Glenn as you like she says is that indifference or caution on the wall hang three women from this morning still in their dresses still in the shoes still with the white bags over their heads their arms have been untied and are stiff and proper at their sides the blue one is in the middle the two red ones on either side though the colors are no longer as bright they seem to have faded grown dingy like dead butterflies or tropical fish drying on land the glosses off them we stand and look at them in silence let that be a reminder to us says the new off Glenn finally I say nothing at first because I'm trying to make out what she means she could mean that this is a reminder to us of the unjustness and brutality of the regime in that case I ought to say yes or she could mean the opposite that we should remember to do what we are told and not get into trouble because if we do we will be rightfully punished if she means that I should say praise be her voice was Bland toneless no clues there I take a chance yes I say to this she does not respond although I sense a flicker of white at the edge of my vision as if she's looked quickly at me after a moment we turn away and begin the long walk back matching our steps in the An approved way so that we seem to be in unison I think maybe I should wait before attempting anything further it's too soon to push to probe I should give it a week two weeks maybe longer watch it carefully listen for tones in her voice unguarded words the way Auckland listened to me now that off Glenn is gone I'm alert again my sluggishness has fallen away my body is no longer for pleasure only but senses its Jeopardy I should not be rash I should not take unnecessary risks but I need to know I hold back until we're past the final checkpoint and there are only blocks to go but then I can no longer control myself I didn't know often very well I say I mean the former one oh she says the fact that she said anything however regarded encourages me I've only known her since May I say I can feel my skin growing hot my heart's speeding up this is tricky for one thing it's a lie and how do I get from there to the next vital word around the first of May I think it was what they used to call mayday did they she says light indifferent menacing that isn't a term I remember I'm surprised you do you ought to make an effort she pauses to clear your mind of such she pauses again echoes now I feel cold seeping over my skin like water what she's doing is warning me she isn't one of us but she knows I'll walk the last blocks in Terror I've been stupid again more than stupid it hasn't occurred to me before but now I see if auckland's been caught offline may talk about me among others she will talk she won't be able to help it but I haven't done anything I tell myself not really all I did was know all I did was not tell they know where my child is what if they bring her threaten something to her in front of me or do it I can't bear to think what they might do or Luke what if they have Luke or my mother or moida or almost anyone dear God Don't Make Me choose I would not be able to stand it I know that mother was right about me I'll say anything they like I'll incriminate anyone it's true they first scream whimper even and I'll turn the jelly I'll confess to any crime I'll end up hanging from a hook on the wall keep your head down I used to tell myself and see it through it's no use this is the way I talk to myself on the way home at the corner we turn to one another in the usual way under his eye says the new treacherous of Glenn under his eye I say try not to sound fervent as if such play acting could help now that we've come this far then she does an odd thing she leans forward so the stiff white blinkers on her heads are almost touching so that I can see her pale beige eyes up close the delicate web of lines across her cheeks and Whispers very quickly her voice faint as dry leaves she hanged herself she says after the salvaging she saw the van coming for her it was better then she's walking away from me down the street