The Handmaid's Tale Chapter 37

foreign we go along the corridor and through another flat grade door and another Corridor softly lit and carpeted this time in a mushroom color brownie pink doors open off it with numbers on them 101 102 the way you count during a thunderstorm to see how close you are to being struck it's a hotel then from behind one of those doors comes laughter a man's and also a woman's it's a long time since I've heard that we emerge into a central Courtyard it's wide and also High it goes up several stories to a skylight at the top there's a fountain in the middle of it a round Fountain spraying water in the shape of a dandelion gone to seed potted plants and trees Sprout here and there Vines hanging down from the balconies oval sided glass elevators slide up and down the Walls like giant mollusks I know where I am I've been here before with Luke in the afternoons a long time ago it was a hotel then now it's full of women I stand still and stare at them I can stare here look around me there are no white Wings to keep me from it my head shrone of them feels curiously light as if a weight has been removed from it or substance the woman are sitting lounging strolling leaning against one another there are men mingled with them a lot of men but in their dark uniforms or suits so similar to one another they form only a kind of background the woman on the other hand are tropical they're dressed in all kinds of bright festive gear some of them have on outfits like mine feathers and glister cut high up the thighs lower the breasts some are an olden days lingerie shorty nightgowns baby doll pajamas the occasional see-through negligee some are in bathing suits one piece or bikini one I see is wearing a crocheted affair with big scallop shells covering the tits some are in jogging Schwartz and Sun halters some in exercise costumes like the ones they used to show on television body type with knitted pastel leg warmers there are even a few cheerleaders outfits little pleated skirts outsized letters across the chest I guess they've had to fall back on the mainlandje whatever they could scrounge or Salvage all wear makeup and I realized how unaccustomed I've become to seeing it on a woman because their eyes look too big to me too dark and shimmering their mouths too red too wet blood dipped and glistening or on the other hand too clownish at first glance there's a cheerfulness to the scene it's like a masquerade party there are like oversized children dressed up in togs they rummaged from trunks is there join this there could be but have they chosen it you can't tell by looking there are great many buttocks in this room I'm no longer used to them it's like walking in the past says the commander his voice sounds pleased delighted even don't you think I try to remember if the past was exactly like this I'm not sure no I know it contained these things but somehow the mix is different a movie about the past is not the same as the past yes I say what I feel is not one simple thing certainly I'm not dismayed by these women not shocked by them I recognize them as trance the official Creed denies them denies their existence yet here they are that is at least something don't Gog says the commander he'll give yourself away just act natural again he leads me forward another man has spotted him has greeted him and set himself in motion towards us the Commander's grip tightens on my upper arm steady he whispers don't lose your nerve all you have to do I tell myself is keep your mouth shut and look stupid it shouldn't be that hard the commander does the talking for me to this man and to the other who follow him he doesn't say much about me he doesn't need to he says I'm new and they look at me and dismiss me and confer together about other things my disguise performs its function he retains hold of my arm and as he talks his spine straightens his chest expands his voice assumes more and more this spritelessness of Youth it occurs to me he is showing off he is showing me off to them and they understand that they are decorous enough they keep their hands to themselves but they review my breasts my legs as if there's no reason why they shouldn't but also he is showing off to me he is demonstrating to me his Mastery of the world he's breaking the rules under their noses thumbing his nose at them getting away with it perhaps he's reached that state of intoxication which power is said to inspire the state in which you believe you are indispensable and can therefore do anything absolutely anything you feel like anything at all twice when he thinks no one is looking he Winks at me it's a juvenile display the whole act and pathetic but it's something I understand when he's done enough of this he leads me away again to a puffy flowered soap of the Conde once had in hotel lobbies in this Lobby in fact it's a floor design I remember dark blue background pink art flowers I thought your feet might be getting tired he says in those shoes he's right about that and I'm grateful he sits me down and sits himself down beside me he puts an armor on my shoulders the fabric of his sleeve is raspy against my skin so accustomed lately to being touched well he says what do you think of our little Club I look around me again the men are not homogeneous as I first thought over by the fountain there's a group of Japanese and lightish gray suits and in the far corner there's a splash of white Arabs and those long bathrobes they wear the headgear the striped sweatbands it's a club I say well that's what we call it among ourselves the club I thought this sort of thing was strictly forbidden I say well officially he says but everyone's Human After All I wait for him to elaborate on this but he doesn't so I say what does that mean it means you can't cheat nature he says nature demands variety for men it stands to reason it's part of the procreational strategy it's nature plan I don't say anything so he goes on women know that instinctively why do they buy so many different clothes in the old days to trick them into thinking there were several different women a new one each day he says this as if he believes it but he says many things that way maybe he believes it maybe he doesn't or maybe he does both at the same time impossible to tell what he believes so now that we don't have different clothes I say you merely have different women this is irony but he doesn't acknowledge it it solves a lot of problems he says without a twitch I don't reply to this I'm getting fed up with him I feel like freezing on him passing the rest of the evening and sulky wordlessness but I can't afford that and I know it whatever this is it's still an evening out what I really like to do is talk with the women but I see a scant chance of that who are these people I ask him it's only for officers he says from all branches and Senior officials and trade delegations of course it stimulates trade it's a good place to meet people you can hardly do business without it we try to provide at least as good as they can get elsewhere you can overhear things too information a man will sometimes tell a woman things he wouldn't tell another man no I say I mean the woman oh he says well some of them are real pros working girls he loves from the time before they couldn't be assimilated anyway most of them prefer it here and the others the others he says well we have quite a collection that one there the one in green she's a sociologist or was then was a lawyer that one was in business an executive position some sort of fast food chain or maybe it was hotels I'm told you can have quite a good conversation with her if all you feel like is talking they prefer it here too refer to what I say to the Alternatives he says you might even prefer it yourself to what you've got he says this coily he's fishing he wants to be complimented and I know that the serious part of the conversation has come to an end I don't know I say as if considering it it might be hard work you'd have to watch your way that's for sure he says they're strict about that gain 10 pounds and they put you in solitary is he joking most likely but I don't want to know he says to get you into the spirit of the place how about a little drink I'm not supposed to I say as you know once won't hurt he says anyway it wouldn't look right if you didn't no nicotine and alcohol taboos here you see they do have some advantages here all right I say secretly I like the idea I haven't had a drink for years what'll it be then he says they've got everything here imported a gin and tonic I say but weak please I wouldn't want to disgrace you you won't do that he says grinning he stands up then surprisingly takes my hand and kisses it on the palm then he moves off heading for the bar he could have called over a waitress there are some of these in identical black miniskirts with pom-poms on their breasts but they seem busy and hard to flag down then I see her Moira she's standing with two other women over near the fountain I have to look hard again to make sure it's her I do this in pulses quick flickers of the eyes so no one will notice she's dressed absurdly in a black outfit of one shiny satin that looks the worst for wear it's strapless Wired from the inside pushing up the breast but it doesn't quite fit moita it's too large so that one breast is plumped out and the other one isn't she's tugging absent-mindedly at the top pulling it up there's a wad of cotton attached to the back I can see it as she half turns it looks like a sanitary pad that's been popped like a piece of popcorn I realize that it's supposed to be a tail attached to her head or two ears of a rabbit or deer it's not easy to tell one of the ears has lost its starch or wiring and is flopping halfway down she has a black bow tie around her neck and is wearing black net stockings and black high heels she's always hated high heels the whole costume antique and bizarre reminds me of something from the past but I can't think what a stage play a musical comedy girls dress for Easter in rabbit suits what is the significance of it here why are rabbits supposed to be sexually attractive to men how can this this bed raggled costume appeal more does smoking a cigarette she takes a drag passes it to the woman on her left who's in red Spangles with a long pointed tail attached and silver horns a devil outfit now she has her arms folded across her front under her wired up breasts she stands on one foot then the other her feet must hurt her spine sag slightly she gazes without interest or speculation around the room this must be a familiar scenery I will her to look at me to see me but her eyes slide over me as if I'm just another palm tree another chair surely she must turn I'm willing so hard she must look at me but for one of the men comes over to her before she disappears already the other woman with her the blonde and the short pink bed jacket with the teddy fur trim has been appropriated has entered the glass elevator has ascended out of sight moita swivels her head around again checking perhaps with prospects it must be hard to stand there unclaimed as if she's at a high school dance being looked over this time her eyes snag on me she sees me she knows enough not to react we stare at one another keeping our faces blank apathetic that she makes a small motion of her head a slight jerk to the right she takes the cigarette back from The Woman in Red holds it to her mouth lets her hand rest in the air moment all fingers outspread then she turns her back on me our old signal I have five minutes to get the woman's to the get to the woman's washroom which must be somewhere to her right I look around no sign of it Norse can I risk getting up and walking anywhere without the commander I don't know enough I don't know the ropes I might be challenged a minute too Morty begins to saunter off not glancing around she can only hope I've understood her and will follow the committed comes back with two drinks he smiles down at me places a drink on the long black coffee table in front of the sofa sits enjoying yourself he says he wants me to this after all is a treat I smile at him is there a washroom I say of course he says he sips at his drink he does not volunteer directions I need to go to it I'm counting in my head now seconds not minutes it's over there he nods what if someone stops me just show them your tag he says it'll be all right they'll know you've taken I get up wobble across the room I Lurch a little near the fountain almost fall it's the heels without the Commander's arm to steady me off I'm off balance several of the men look at me with surprise I think rather than lust I feel like a fool I hold my left arm conspicuously in front of me bit at the elbow with the tag turned outward nobody says anything