I I once told a joke on the Telly that got 147 complaints and I'll be honest with you I'm still not sorry and I was this was what Jimmy car feels like every day about three and a half years ago in a huge news story hit the UK when an old woman put a cat in a bin do you remember this story and the country went mental we were like oh no you can't do that most people were really angry some people were just angry cuz she put it in the wrong bin that was what got there and go it goes in the brown one you death bastard like some people are just angry at that but everyone else is angry at the cruelty of it now at the time I was presenting the one show right if you if you've ever seen the one show where you've been at your naners you will know that they love animals in the second world war they love it right and these millions of videos just stacked up waiting to get used and we sat there right and we thought why don't we do something about the woman who' put the cat in the bin why don't we send our animal expert up to Coventry where the cat lives and he can meet its family and obviously it's Human family I got be bit surreal me me me me and that' be a bit weird so we thought oh the animal expert can go and have a day with the cat and we can film it and it'll just be lovely and and it'll give it nice food and treat it nice and groom it in the original meaning of the word to groom and that's that's changed it that's changed but more importantly we thought it was going to be 4 minutes long and that's very important that that's very important on a live show things need to hit the times you know me but but it wasn't it wasn't as interesting as we thought so it ended up being 2 minutes and they came back to the studio early we got an earpiece and the producer said you need to fill for 2 minutes and you think well you're a comedian you should be able to talk bollocks for two minutes and of course I can but this is 7:00 bbc1 so it comes with its own some set of guidelines you know so this is what I said I was trying to be dead serious like proper presenter I said um I said well Alex I thought it was horrendous actually one of the worst things I've ever seen a human do to an animal what a awful ordeal that black cat's been put fruit uh did you just sneeze or fart then fre out every me time I hear a sneeze now oh you dirty bastard laugh rewi me bra I said uh I said I thought it was one of the worst things I've ever seen a human do to an animal what a nasty vindictive thing to do what a terrible ordal that cat's been B through I've seen the footage three or four times now and uh every time I see it I just I just feel sadness deep sad sadness but I showed it the dog he thought it was hilarious now 147 people complained about that oh my God he's doing a joke about a cat and after the show he got us in a room all the producers he said look we need to chat to you I said what said we need to uh need to talk about something we've had 147 complaints I said what for said that joke you did about the cat I said what you on about said we need to apologize tomorrow I said no way I'm not apologizing he said you need to I said I'm not doing it what do these people think that my dog's got access to YouTube what think he's getting his mates around yeah Benji rex have a look at this man you will wag your tail like a bastard when you see in my God who are these people said you need to apologize said I'm not doing it it's over 147 complaints I said 4 and a half million people watch this show I take that as a win right you can't stop pandering to those 147 people otherwise you'll start making television for and that is what ITV 2 is for he said you need to apologize tomorrow so I'm not doing it went to the next boss you said need to apologize tomorrow so I'm not doing it went to the next boss you need to apologize tomorrow so I'm not doing it went to the next boss you need to apologize tomorrow I'm not doing it went to the next boss I was like how many bosses are at the BBC it's ridiculous felt like Super Mario was like the boss at the end of every level that what going on but in the end like anyone you just want an easy life don't you so you think all right yeah I'll apologize tomorrow not Bob not that Bob so I sat on the couch the next day and they said oh should we put on the auto queue I said no no I've got it up here the show starts the music finishes I said uh welcome to the one show this is Alex she said this is Jason I said before we start Today's Show and speak to today's guest uh yesterday we covered a story about a woman who put a cat in a bin and I thought like you it was one of the most horrendous things I'd ever seen a human do to an animal but I would like to apologize on behalf of my dog who thought was hilarious that covers it don't it yeah I have punished him though I said he's actually in a wheel bin at home now so El like it 850 complaints you can't win with these people my parents have been together 35 years now and they got together very young actually my mom was well my mom was young my mom was 16 and my dad was 24 there was an eight 8ye age Gap and now my mom's got to an age where she's starting to lie about her age she's starting to take two or three years off it and some women do this trying to make themselves out to be younger than they are and my dad had to take her to one side he went listen love um you you you can't do this uh you know I'm on dodgy territory as it is and uh you take three years off your life I'm going to get a phone call off of Jimmy savle police like I don't need it you know my mom will be in a mood with my dad if he did something to annoy her in her dreams in her dreams he'll wake up already in trouble just blinking awake she be sat over him all right think you're funny do you what bed up run around on the elephant with Robbie Williams and that blonde yeah well I cared all a shopping with me one arm and me [Applause] flipper what are you on about why the people do it why did they tell you the dreams my brother does it all the time oh J I had a dream last night you were there but it w you and like you were at your house when want your house I think I don't even give a about your real life if I'm honest I don't mind the stuff you made up in your sleep she's terrible at technology as well she'll text you like in the middle of the day ring me all in capital is like ring me and you ring her back straight away don't you cuz your mom and you love her you w to know what's going on ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring welcome to the O2 voicemail if it will out can that have happened but she just had it in her hand I've seen her move she don't move that fast the only explanation is she's going ring me send I'll do his heading for half an hour I'm sure that's what they live for sometimes and they do do me eding but I keep them around cuz good with the kids and oh they are they are good I've got uh got three little girls who's who's got who's got kids give us a Cher if you got kids yeah some is there is anyone I've got twins has anyone got twins few of you there you got twins there yeah lovely how old are your twins five lovely man are four so we're you're at the same age as roughly the same age as me where You' started to hate people with one kid haven't you you got to that point yeah you see him in the park you're out there with your spare hand yeah oh you piece of piss it's hard is it why are children getting up so early and why is no scientist trying to fix that that's what's doing my Ed that's the one question I ask myself every morning quarter past 6 daddy daddy daddy look it's quarter past 6 I don't love you till 8 all right I mean 8 a.m. not not the age of 8 that be h four more years you get a cuddle no who do