a few months ago I had the great honor of giving the commencement speech to Cornell's graduating class of 2024 I did I don't know why they asked me I did not go to Cornell past speakers have included presidents Biden and Clinton Maya Angelou and me the guy from hotb time machine 2o and while I gave an amazing groundbreaking some are saying life all dur in speech I had to hold back I did I was speaking to these fresh-faced graduates I sugarcoated things you know because I couldn't think they could handle the harsh truths of the world but I can tell you're all a bunch of salty dogs so I thought you might like to hear my unedited graduation speech what do you guys think all right let's do it ladies and Gentlemen please welcome your commencement speaker for the class of 2024 Kumil [Music] Giani hello casss of 2024 and congratulations not for graduating but for being young you've got about 3 years left where you can eat jalapeno poppers for every meal without dying enjoy them while you can also you know how your whole life teachers have been telling you that children are the future they should have been more specific you were not the children they were referring to those kids are all in India and China so don't worry about it I'll never forget the day I got my first bicycle I stole it from a kid up the street named Otis because I was bigger than him I still have it you Otis Otis is actually here in the audience tonight hey Otis you buddy have fun walking everywhere you know those silica packets and shoe boxes that say toxic do not eat that's a lie they're delicious I just ate a handful before I came out here and I feel amazing but enough bad news here is the good news between global warming looming nuclear war and microplastics none of you have to save for retirement that doesn't mean I don't have advice for your meaningless lives I do tip number One never give your real first name to a drug dealer to this day my Coke guy still knows me as Warren the other day he was like hey Warren did I see you in a Marvel movie great guy really great Coke tip number two tip number two when life hands you lemons make lemonade but don't put caffeine in that lemonade Panera did it and it killed a bunch of people tip number three make mistakes I've made my share but In fairness I was just trying to tour the capital on January 6th classic wrong place wrong time guys sorry excuse me a moment I'm a little [Music] hungry they said they were going to replace it with something edible but that does not taste sugary okay where was I um see why they use that stuff it is very drying tip tip number four lean into your strengths if you're really short become a real estate agent because all those houses will look way bigger see they don't teach you things like that in school because of woke and finally live to the fullest when you're on your death bed you're never going to say I spent too much time with family you're going to say get that pillow off my face dad so good luck out there and remember if at first you don't succeed you can always sell pictures of your feet to perverts I'm going to be slinging these puppies you want one 10 bucks a pop in the parking lot right after this eight bucks if you're nasty thank you to infinity and beyond [Applause]