Ms. Gabbard. Mr. Kennedy — oh, all
right — “Bobby” it is, then. Mr. Trump. Well, I thought we’d start with—hmm?
. . . Right, sure — Mr. President. So, I thought we’d start with a review of
some of your recent Truth Social posts, and maybe just go over a few Dos and
Don’ts, all right? All right. Here’s one: on September the first, you posted “I want
to thank the families of our Great Warriors who have been lost to us for the way they came
together as one, and thanked me for attending, at their request, the Celebration of
their wonderful family members who, because of the Incompetence of Kamala Harris
and Joe Biden, are no longer with us.” So, this post is obviously in reference to
the incident where some of your campaign officials started a fight with a staff member
at Arlington Cemetery who was attempting to enforce the rules of the cemetery, which you
and the other members of your campaign were in the act of breaking. You’re attempting some
damage control here, which I get, but just make sure that if this comes up during the debate, you
avoid discussing the incident using self-centered language. Like how you say “I want to thank
the families of our Great Warriors . . . for the way they came together as one, and thanked
me for attending” — that makes it sound like the most important thing that happened that day
was them thanking you for being there. And — . . . Well, it is going to be
a problem for a lot of people — . . . You’re gonna need some
of them to vote for you. And then, later on in that same
Truth Social post, you write, “Thank you for saying you wanted me to stand
with you at Arlington National Ceremony, and take pictures, that it was your request,
not mine, but it was my Great Honor to do so.” The phrasing of this is kind of obvious and
on-the-nose. It sounds like a five-year-old wrote a letter to his Dad saying “Thank
you for saying you wanted me to eat all the cookies,” then left it out where he knows his
Mom will see it. You see why that’s a problem? . . . You don’t. Okay, let’s move on. As of right now, the rules of the debate
state that — Mr. Kennedy — Bobby — what are you staring at, what’s over there? . . .
Oh! That’s Carlton. He’s the resident cat at this hotel. Isn’t he cute? Hi, Carlton! . .
. Um, no, I don’t think so . . . He lives in the building and the staff feeds him and sees
to his needs. Across from the men’s room on this floor there’s a janitor’s closet with a
little pet door built into it — I think he’s got a litter box in there. But I don’t
think anyone legally owns him . . . Oop, there he goes! And he’s headed that
direction, too — nature calls, I guess. Anyway, the rules of the debate — what,
Bobby? . . . The men’s room? Just down this hall that way, around the first
corner on your left. . . . Okay. Let’s work on practicing your not-talking,
just in case the mics aren’t muted. Tulsi, let’s have you pretend to be Vice President
Harris, and you’re giving your response to his answer about IVF. Okay? So,
you’re Vice President Harris. Go. . . . Okay — stop. So, A) You only let her speak
for about five seconds before interrupting, and B) Whether or not your mic is muted, calling the Vice
President a fucking bitch is inappropriate. . . . . . . I don’t think that is what Joe calls her. There he is! . . . Did you fall in? . . .
Don’t say you dove in on purpose, Bobby, because I honestly can’t tell if you’re joking — Okay, so you know how sometimes in these debates,
they’ll ask meaningless personality test questions because they think that’s what the public
wants to see? Let’s practice answering one of those. President Trump, describe Vice
President Harris in one word — not that word! — What was that, Mr. Trump President? . . .
You’re hungry. . . . Oh, you know what — yes, we did miss your snack time. Okay. Um, let’s
just break for lunch. I can order us some food. What — Yes, from McDonalds, where else? . . .
What does everybody want? . . . Two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fish, and a chocolate
shake — so, the usual. Tulsi? . . . I don’t know which items
on the McDonalds menu contain GMOs off the top of my head, I’ll
have to get back to you. Bobby? . . . How can you not be hungry?
We’ve been at it all morning . . . . . . When did you eat? — Hang on, hold still — you’ve got something on your —
. . . What is that? Is that . . . a whisker? . . . Carlton?! . . . Carlton?!!